How do you deal with this situation?

Question

My now ex husband decided he was not happy after ten years of marriage, had an affair and left. We have a ten year old son who lives with me and visits his Dad every other weekend. My ex usually did the disciplining. Our son has been acting out lately and having trouble in school. My ex is full of advice on how to handle things. The problem is I am the one who ends up dealing with the bad behaviour, extra homework, etc. It is just so frustrating and seems so unfair! My ex seems to want to help but in all reality - what can he do? We have separate lives now. He made choices that resulted in us barely speaking or seeing each other. We talk only when it is absolutely necessary. How do you raise a child like this?

Answer 1

With the help of a court-appointed mediator and a therapist for both of you...ACT NOW!

Answer 2

Children have a difficult enough time when raised in a loving home... Some is due to his age but some is going to have to come to the "parents" accepting their responsibility of this child together... As some may have also come from what he went through perhaps seeing his dad disrespect you, so he is carrying on with his own way as he did not have security a child needs...

MOM and uh um, DAD need to for the sake of son, meet together over lunch in a safe location for emotions from your son or one of you... Both parents need to come clean, admit mistakes, and allow room for this child to know he can come to either one of you, with truth and not be ridiculed for it... Not to say he should get off easy, but he is ten... How can a child feel like he has open communication with parents so quick to judge and just fix things, IF THEY Do NOT listen to HIM , his side, his fears etc.....

And for the two adults, put the past behind you... Move on and love your son.... Seperate lives or not, this son is Daddys too... And allow for him an opropriate amount of privacy and space to make his mistakes, because we learn from these... How can he become independant if he has no space for errors?

LOVE your son... Be there for him.... Your ex should too, He should Not just say it but DO IT.

Answer 3

Well the two of you need to get past your past and at least communicate civilally when it comes to raising your child.

Bottom line - you have to lay down the law with your 10 y/o. if you fail to do it know - it will only get more difficult as he ages into the teen years.....

You need to be "joint-parents". This means that if he gets in trouble @ your house - the loss of privelges / punishment continues when he goes to visit his Dad.

This is where you need your ex's support. Sounds like he is giving advice, so hopefully he is willing to back you up on these issues. Your only other choice is for your ex-husband to take over custody and YOU have the visitation if that would result better behavoir in the child.

You have to be willing to put the child's best interest before your own interests or before getting back at your ex for cheating and leaving.......

I'm sure its hard to do - but its the only way to raise your son to be a man.

Answer 4

Okay, start with setting RULES and setting PRIVELIGES rather than handing him everything. Make it clear that in order to have time for teleivsion, video games he has to EARN that time with his behavior. He doesn't behave he doesn't get priveliges. He does NOT need either a television or a computer in his bedroom...if they are in there get them OUT of there. All he needs is a televsion in the living/family room where his time and what he is watching can be monitored by YOU. The computer can be placed someplace "public" in the home as well so that his actions online can be monitored by YOU. Then DO monitor what he watches, where he surfs, what games he plays. Make sure that he knows the consquences (no priveliges)when he disobeys and don't make an issue out of when he does disobey (which he is going to from time to time). When he behaves make sure you praise him. Do NOT argue with him Do NOT negotiate. Make sure from day one that he understands the rules are the rules and there will be NO BENDING of the rules. When he starts to argue walk away. Keep in mind that he is probably entering puberty so you're not going to have it very easy for at least the next five years...

Answer 5

So you are tired, confused and finding it difficult to cope? Well its affecting your son the same way. He too is feeling the consequences of the separation from his Dad, and is still trying to find his way.
This is a hard time, and all parties involved need to find some equilibrium, some balance, in this new type of family. I suggest some counseling might be of help here.

Answer 6

I suggest taking your child to therapy. The separation of your parents are very hard on children especially around that age. My younger brother behaved the same way when my parents split and he was 10. It takes a great toll on the emotional to see their parents separate. So the best thing might just be getting him to talk to someone about what is going on in his head. Best of luck.

Answer 7

Gee, I see it all the time. Mother and Father can't stick it out. Father leaves (what else can he do? Law aint kicking her out!) Mother files for child support and ruins her sons life over her gold digging his father and screws him up for life over money. HE NEEDS HIS DAD! Stop thinking of yourself and let your EX gain custody of his boy. If your child was a girl we all know it would be different.

Answer 8

Your child is acting up most likely out of anger...he doesn't understand the situation...I would suggest counseling for all three of you or at least you and your son..that way you can work on his angers and fears.

Answer 9

try to get into the church together sunday school bible study change his schuldle around see if it helps the both of you maybe talking to a priest might help

Answer 10

ur son is 10 god sake, of course he gonna play up, have u thought maybe its because u and ur ex have split that hes acting this way. talk to him........ as for extra homework blah blah, we all have to do it......... thats life