My boyfriend and I have been thinking about having a baby lately. He is unsure because he doesnt think he will be a good father. His father abandoned him and his mom when he was younger and his mom told him it was his fault. So he lived at home and took care of his mom and sister until he was 23. We've been dating for a long time and want to start a family. How can I convince him that he will be a great father? He is so afraid he will turn out like his dad.
(please dont answer if youre going to say we should be married before we have a kid.)
2007-10-18 07:45:23 · 30 answers · asked by La Tua Cantante 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
Ready for a moment of truth? Tell him - politely - not to be a wus. Having kids is awesome, and those who think they aren't ready are usually wrong.
Not to be impolitic, but ask him to look at some of the people walking around with kids at the local mall. And he's gonna claim HE'S not sure he's ready?
Life is short, we gotta go for it!
2007-10-18 15:17:58 · answer #1 · answered by Jas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband had a pretty crappy father and my husband is an amazing father. He decided he didn't want children and I had one and didn't want another and surprise we got pregnant. Him becoming a father was and is a chance to do it right. He gives to his son and my daughter what his father never gave to him. Himself, his time, his attention and yes his money.
I am not telling you to go ahead and get pregnant, we were truly surprised but what I am telling you is that we don't have to parent the way our parents did. You have to think before you speak and act. You have to understand the developmental stage they are in in order to deal with the challenges that come with that age.
You don't say how old you both are but if you are young enough to wait a few years than maybe that will work for you. He may feel different at 30/35 than he does now. My husband became a first time Dad at 42 and hopefully he will become a second time Dad at 46.
Good luck!
2007-10-18 14:57:43 · answer #2 · answered by New England Babe 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you go to church? If so you can always talk to your minister. My dad and his 3 siblings wer severely abused by their alcoholic father and he turned out to be a WONDERFUL dad. I am the youngest of 4 kids and we ALL have a very close relationship with him. He may benefit from talking to your minister, or a family counselor. If she knows where his dad is, he should confront him and get his feelings out, or even if he doesn't know he can write a letter. Even if he is not going to send the letter is feels much better to get your feelings out. Also, parenting classes are a great idea for someone that has had things like this happen in their childhood. It is NOT, NOT, NOT his fault that his dad left. He left because he was a coward!
2007-10-18 14:56:01 · answer #3 · answered by Ryan's mom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO ONE ever knows for sure if they're going to be a good parent until they ARE a parent. There's just no way to know. You love kids, that's a good start, but beyond that, it's all hazy until you hold that newborn in your arms. Then you just go day by day and try to do the best you can. Your boyfriends feelings are very valid. What about you? Do you think you'll be a good mom? How do you know? Give boyfriend a chance. Listen to him and validate his feelings. He may very well turn out like his father, but there's just as much chance he won't, and even moreso because he knows what he DOESN'T want to be like.
good luck!
2007-10-18 14:53:43 · answer #4 · answered by denali3004 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he turns out like his father that means he'll abandon you as well which does not seem likely. Second of all what type of mother tells thier child it's there fault for there father leaving and then has them take care of them and thier other child. He shouldn't be afraid, he should no that he won't abandon a family. If he was great with his family than he should be great with being a father. Patience is key on your part and with being a parent.
2007-10-18 14:51:53 · answer #5 · answered by bigfav 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Why don't you and your boyfriend go to a parenting class or get a parenting book and read it together. It will probably be beneficial for both of you and get your boyfriend more comfortable with a baby. Then, if you have a friend or family member that has a young child, ask to keep the baby for a couple of hours. Allow him to become comfortable with a baby by exposing him to them. And give him lots of encouragment. Tell him that he has learned from his childhood and there is no reason for him to repeat what his father did. Tell him that he will be the best daddy in the whole world. Good luck!
2007-10-18 14:51:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's normal to have fears but this is something he needs to work out first. Have you suggested getting him some counseling for it? his fear is not uncommon. Everyone is scared of becoming there mother/father but at different levels. My husbands father was around but not involved. He over compensates by being over involved with everything. My father's mother was abusive and my mom didn't find out until after my brothers were born that my dad was worried that she would turn into his mother. He was scared to leave my brothers home with my mom for fear she would beat them or starve them. They went through years of counseling to get through it but it was worth it. My dad was over compensating by over feeding my brothers when my mom wasn't around. The older of my two brothers ended up having bad weight problems because of it.
It really is something you need to work out really well before having kids. He has a reason to be concerned even if you think he will make a good father. His fears will really get in his way.
2007-10-18 15:01:04 · answer #7 · answered by Melissa S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's many guys out there that feel that way. Because he's so worried about being a "bad dad" he just might be one of the best. He'll come to terms sooner or later. Maybe u should suggest both of you seeing a counselor or something. If he's a great man and has a great heart, he couldnt be evil to a baby. It's not like he'll transform into this mean person everytime the baby is around. He'll be fine. he should have gotten therapy as a kid to help overcome those scars. good luck. p.s. been with my husband 16 years UNMARRIED and have 4 children. no one should judge u.
2007-10-18 14:50:13 · answer #8 · answered by Best Mom!! 5 · 3⤊ 2⤋
hmmm. i kind of understand. my father left me, my sister, and my mom at the age of 2. i think he feels that way because he is related to his father. you need to tell him that he needs to and can be a better father than his own ever was! try to point out his strong point and tell him with honesty. do you think he will make a good father? if so ask yourself why and then tell him yourself. also, there is a chance he feels having a family is too soon. it is a big step in his life, and that requires major dedication. so naturally he will need to think about it.
good luck and i wish you 2 the best.
2007-10-18 14:52:56 · answer #9 · answered by Dominic P 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is normal for someone to feel that way. He just need to realize the past is the past his father's mistakes are his father's mistakes and he has the power to change the cycle.
You shouldn't have to convince him but you do need to talk to him. Once you and him have communicated well you will know where he stand and if he will change his mind about having a child.
I wish you luck but I know everything will work out fine.
2007-10-18 14:54:06 · answer #10 · answered by Blessed and Happy 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋