Question about being charming vs. being flirtatious?

Question

Sometimes we (men and women) are accused of flirting, when we’re only (as we perceive ourselves) being charming. I have a friend who’s very charming as I see him, in that he is interesting, and draws women to him with his charm, but he never flirts in that he doesn’t make passes at any of the women (he’s very happily married), nor does he make specific sexual references, only humous sexual innuendoes. Yet many people say he’s a big flirt.

Being raised in the South, we were raised to have good manners, but with a little charm thrown in. Sometimes I am also accused of flirting, yet nothing I say involves making a pass at a man.

So what do you see as being charming versus being flirtatious? Does speaking in sexual innuendo make charming turn into flirting?

All thoughts are welcome.

The reference to sexual innuendoes was just one example of going from being charming to being flirtatious. You need not focus on that specifically.

Great answers from everyone so far!

Answer 1

Being charming, IMO, suggests that one's manner and demeanor is appealing to the opposite sex, making them feel especially good about being in your presence, and suggests you feel the same way.

It usually applies to a man's approach to dealing with women rather than the reverse, but it could work either way.

Making sexual references certainly crosses the line from being charming to flirtatious, to answer the question.

However, a wife may feel that her husband is being flirtatious simply based on the effect that his manner (aka charm) may have on another woman, even if he has not said anything that could even remotely be perceived as inappropriate.

Technically, he is only being charming, but if she perceives his "charm" to really be flirtatious, he'd better turn the "charm" down a notch.

It's the manner, demeanor, and feeling that is created by the "charm" rather than exactly what is said. It can have a greater effect, in a more subtle way, than outright flirting.

Answer 2

I think it depends upon other's perceptions more so than the person in question's intent.

I have been accussed of flirting with girls I just met, when I actually was just being myself - kind, polite, well mannered, and making good conversation.

The problem is that when I first approach a girl that I eventually will be flirting with, I start out the same way, but then it gradual turns into flirting when I get the "interested" vibes. Flirting involves more touching/laughing/compliments. I don't know that the sexual innuendos have too much to do with it. I think it more about the compliments and casual but deliberate touching that make the leap from being charming to flirtacious.

Answer 3

Well I use charm and smile, etc, but I don't use sexual innuendos, or try not to use them if my intent is to not flirt. I mean when sexual innuendos are used towards the opposite sex, especially men a perception could be brought up that the woman is flirting with him. But if like the guy you said just uses them in a comical way then I guess it's just being humorous, then yeah I would think that would be more charm and not flirting. But I guess it depends on how he says such things as far as body language goes or facial expressions, etc that one might not think about or realize but what could be perceived as in a flirtatious manner.

Answer 4

You get my thumb up,
if we were in a more free sexual Society (consequent and interacting)where everyone could be a player in the Arena and not an spectator with much to criticize and little to keep dry in the benches.
He is Ok,my thumb up too
...or shouldn't he,or you?be as you wish without harm.

Thumbs down would always happen too,you know.
And there is more than just sexuality that is also considered not "charming" but provoking.With the same radars

Answer 5

A great question! To me being charming means being very complimentary toward people you are associating with at that moment, which has a very pleasing affect on these people by making them feel better about themselves. Flirtation is based on charm. However it isn't simply complimentary in general sense of the word, it has a sexual undertone. I personally enjoy both, as long as they are harmless and done in a good taste.

Answer 6

B I don't know a method, but I tell U this man - DON'T LET HER GO!! You'll regret it so badly when U're older - it will KILL U. I sent a hair cutter (is the vocab correct?) 12 white roses, 1 red on in the middle - she ADORED it!! Mine was a Muslim Afgan girl unfortunately - her mother told me to never see her again!! PS One more thing B. Reading E's reply I just remembered this important lesson I learned - DON"T, and I mean DON"T try to be coy or tough guy or political about this - just do things to remind her of her father or brother, etc.

Answer 7

Most of the time if you just smile at a guy or look at him a certain way, he'll think you want to have sex with him. It is naive to think that throwing sexual innuendos into a conversation would be perceived as being charming as opposed to flirting.

Answer 8

all peoples perceptions are different some see things as danger signs or maybe they are hoping that he "wants" them.
I have worked with people that were screwing 5 girls at once in the office and I only saw him whisper with people while one of my married men friends was boisterous, rowdy and playful.
What I saw was the married man felt "safe" to be more open and since people new he was married. and the player had to hide what he was doing to keep the others from finding out.
however that said people will still see what they want to see and the growing trend out there is to try to "steal" a good man instead of finding there own, in my opinion if he can be stolen then he was not a good man.

Answer 9

I can tell you how I perceive charm and flirting when comes to me. I'm sure everybody is different.

Charm can't exist without a very small hint of sexual tension in the background. Charmers individualize their attention, and appeal to your needs with (subtle) flatteries etc. They make you feel good. In most cases, your sexuality is "tickled" in one form or shape--whether it's to boost the manly ego or make you feel mentally/physically attractive as a woman.

The trick is to keep the sexual part at bay, far in the background-- as soon as it's brought to the forefront or any kind of pressure is applied, it'll turn into flirting.

EDIT: Then you have professional charmers ( I always have a private & professional version of everything lol) like politicians, whose job is to appeal to the hearts/emotions of people--nonetheless, it's still a form of seduction.

Answer 10

I suppose being charming is not directing it towards either sex. But when you flirt, you're flirting with whatever sex that you're attracted to. So, if you're only charming to the sex you're attracted to, you're probably flirting, even if it's not consciously.