My bf has two children, one 5 and the other 2. They live with there mothers. The 5 year old is a girl and I think she feels that somehow I am replacing her mother and she is begining not to like me. I do not in any way force myself on her. For people who have step children is it worth all the drama and do things get better? Are the children well adjusted? What should I do? I know that we are married but we plan to get married. In addition, the child's mother said today that my bf puts "other people" meaning me in front of the child...
2007-10-18 04:55:38 · 8 answers · asked by honeyluv_2010 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
your gonna have TWO exs and 2 seperate dramas !!! yikes , for me one is enough lol . if you really love your bf then yes it is worth it , id be lost without myhubby , even though there are days , im thinking JUST WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO ?!?!?! things seem to have remained the same with my stepchild and his ex , drama everytime they have a chance. did the ex say this to you , that he puts other people in front of the child? best thing to do is start out by not engaging her in any convo or conflict. before you do get married, lay down the law, that you expect respect out of the children , that you expect the hubby to discipline them , let the ex know you wont discipline them , that the children come first , and that you would like to have a civil relationship with her, so that her children wont have the typical mommy-stepmom drama, that you feel this is not healthy for a growing child, if shes a decent mom she will agree with you and figure out your not that bad. i think the most times for conflict are dropping off and picking up the kids, i honestly think , that the step parent should stay out of that time, if you feel you really must go , then sit in the car and mind your own biz unless your spoken too. good luck
the above response about being friends, dont do that, this is a child they are to have respect for adult figures in their life, would you be friends with your own child ? being friends will only confuse the child later on , and they will think , why should i listen and follow the advice, directions of my "friend" what you need to be is just another adult figure that helps guide this child into adulthood, NOT A FRIEND! this is the biggest mistake a step parent can make.
2007-10-18 05:24:13 · answer #1 · answered by ♥ஐDanielleஐ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the mother did actually say that, then it probably is more of a case of the child not wanting to upset the mother, than the child actually not liking you. Since she is 5, I would suggest treating her like you would a sister or a young friend. Play games with her, make her feel included in everything, and just be a friend to her. Make sure your boyfriend is also a part of the playdates. Eventually the mother will see that you make not only her children happy but the father of her children as well and she should come around! In the meantime, it is very easy to get a 5 year old to be friendly. Good Luck!
2007-10-18 05:01:01 · answer #2 · answered by Susan F 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi...
children sometimes have problems accepting the fact that their parents have a new partner.. this makes you the enemy, even though i'm sure you are not one.
the five year old probably feels she has been abandoned by her father, and that you have replaced her in his life...
we have to understand that with divorce, and a bitter mother, a child can develop emotional problems. It's not the child's fault, but the situation (and if the mom is bitter and makes comments, she is actually abusing the child). I'm sure the little girl feels she has been thrown aside in some ways.
please remember it's not your fault, and this isn't drama, but it's real life... an innocent child, who doesn't understand any of this. when you were five years old, you didn't know much about life either, if you can remember.
perhaps some day when you get the opportunity, you can tell the child that her father loves her more than anything, and that if she is scared or has problems, you will listen. keep it simple, she will remember it.
when the little girl and her father have visitation, urge him to take her out somewhere and do things with her.... and spend as much time with her as possible. also, doing things as a group once in a while is ok, but you really need to gain the child's approval first, make sure the child has HER special time with dad.
these things take time. just act like a lady, don't pay attention to the ex, and treat the little girl as you'd like to be treated. she doesn't know better.. but as grown ups, we really need to try and be understanding, give the child time and space.
take care.
2007-10-18 05:05:49 · answer #3 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I am not a step mother but my dad did remarry when I was young. And I do not get along with his wife at all. My advice is if you stay with this guy there are few things you should try with his daughter. First never say bad things about her mom in front of her. My step mom did this and I lost respect for her at a very young age. Second she maybe feeling like you are coming between her and her dad, so maybe her dad should take her places without you every once in awhile. Don't make the father chose sides between you and his kids. This is another problem that I had is my dad chose his new family above me. And I know some people are going to say that I just saw it that way but they don't know what I went through. And I think you are doing the right thing if you are not forcing yourself to be liked, it takes awhile for that and if you don't force it she will be willing to give you a chance.
2007-10-18 05:10:37 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I helped raise a stepdaughter, she was also five when we started dating. When I say ignore the mother and be the bigger person put it to practice. Just put each other (boyfriend and self first). Always do what is in the best interest of the children. You will be able to respect yourself in the end. Don't turn it into competition and hurt the kids. Your the adult. If you can't be a positive influence on those kids then don't marry him. It makes me soo mad that innocent kids have to deal with adult ism's. Just isn't fair. They didn't ask to be born and the parents need to be adults. We mold them into productive adults. Don't look at the temp. look @ the big picture. Bottom line be adult use logic not emotion.
2007-10-18 05:25:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
They will adjust- this is just as new to them as it is to you. The only difference is that you, being the adult, are the one who has to try and win their love.
It is also new for their mother. She isn't used to having to share her children with another woman.
At first, it will be full of stress and drama but once everyone gets into a routine and starts to feel more comfortable it will cool down.
I went over to my husband's ex's house with him. We all sat down and chatted- it wasn't some intense conversation or anything, just getting to know her, letting her get to know me, and my husband there as the buffer. Now that we have a better understanding of each other and our intentions the drama has stopped.
Good luck!
2007-10-18 05:06:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether or not it's worth the drama, only you can decide. My answer would be "definitely not worth it" - there are plenty of guys out there without kids to choose from. But everyone's different. You're already seeing the friction - do you feel it's worth it to you in the long run? Imagine yourself 10 years from now, having to deal with the same things over and over. Are you ok with it?
2007-10-18 05:03:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I think you should stop worrying about being a 'stepmother'. This guy has two children from two different mothers and now he's with you.
i'd find another guy.
2007-10-18 05:01:02 · answer #8 · answered by lady_phoenix39 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋