serious mother-in-law problems, need advice?

Question

I'm caught in the middle of serious problems with my husband's mother. He is the only child of divorced parents and was raised by his mother. She is very controling and has had a hard time letting her son move on to adult life. Before my husband and I met he purchased a condo and allowed his mother to do most of the paperwork. She loaned him $30k for a downpayement. For the past 3 years she has been mailing in the mortgage payments on his behalf. Now that we are married (5 months) I've been demanding that we need to take control of our payments and I refuse to allow us to keep sending her a "rent check" for our own mortgage each month. This has caused a huge backlash from her. We had a huge fight at her house where I told her off - which was not a good idea but I've had enough of her contoling ways. Now my husband is mad at me for disrespecting his mother and his mother is trying to convince him to leave me!?! How can I get my husband to put me first????

also I looked on my husbands phone yesterday and saw several text messages from his mother - she's seriously trying to convince him that because I "disrespected" her he should leave me. She has basically told him that he needs to choose between us?? How can I get my husband to see that she's very twisted??

other than this situation my husband and I have a great relationship. Literaly EVERY fight we've ever had has been because of something his mother said or did.

Answer 1

He's a mama's boy and will never change. Either you learn to live with controling your life or you leave him.

Answer 2

WOW. He needs to grow up, be a man, and like you pointed out, take control of his own payments instead of sending Momma a rent check every month. Are you even sure that your condo is even owned by your husband? It may be in your mil's name, which makes all of this a much different issue. The fact that you went ahead with the marriage knowing that he wasn't making those payments himself says something too. You're learning that marriage doesn't change a person--if they do something before you marry them, they'll do it after you marry them.

What I'd want to do, if I were you, is move out and get your own place together. Get something where you're completely not dependent on his mother. That might be the simplest solution here. Just tell mom that you guys are going to start looking for a home together, one that the 2 of you decide on.

However, you were wrong in telling off his mother--obviously you've realized that. In the future, let him handle all issues with his mother. He's her son, she'll take any critizism or bad news from him a heck of alot easier than she will from you. You do need to apologize to her, not for what you said, but the way you said it.

You cannot force your husband to put you first, either he will or he won't. If he won't, and continues to cave in to whatever his mother wants, you've got your pattern for the rest of your marriage. You might want to consider marriage counseling for this as well--your husband needs to understand that right now there are 3 people in his marriage, you, him and his mother. Marriage is a 2 person event--period. A qualified therapist can give him some solutions to help cut off from his mother, not allow her to control him as much (she controls him because he allows her to), and to break away from her without seriously damaging their relationship.

Answer 3

First of all never, ever let anything escalate into a full blown argument with your mother in law. She is his mother and she raised him. She is going to be right even when she is in fact incorrect, in your husband's mind. She is for the most part going to win every time and he will almost always take her side. When you marry a man like your husband, you are also marrying his mother, pain in the as* that she may very well be. Sometimes she can turn out to be your best friend. In your case, she's your Nemesis. here's the way to handle it: Talk with your husband about this, not with his mother. It's his business to handle his mother. You apologize to him for your reaction, if you want to get what you're after. Then you explain your case. Do it in a productive way with neither of you interrupting each other. If she wants to be the 'landlord,' and he won't budge either, just let it go. Pick and choose your battles. You get a lot more with honey than you do with coffee grounds.

Answer 4

letterst said the best thing that can be said.

Perhaps you found this out after your marriage, but sounds like everything was done long before you came into the picture.

I to have had horrible issues with my EX step mother and it is very hard and a very bad situation.

Bottom line, your husband can't choose between you and his mother. Either make peace and live with his relationship with his mom or leave, because this is just the first in what will be a long series of issues.

Answer 5

Your husband created this situation all by himself, before you ever got married.... he accepted the 30K loan for the house, and allowed his mother to control his mortgage. He created this monster. And apparently, does not have any personal boundaries when it comes to his mom, either.

It's not your fault or problem, when it comes right down to it. It is HIS mortgage and you didn't say that your name is on it.

If your husband wants to refinance the mortgage he can do so if it's in his name only. This would solve the issue... however, if her name is on the mortgage too, he's screwed until he can get her to sign off.

I can see your concerns here, but i think you may have overstepped your boundaries. This "arrangement" between your husband and his mom took place before you even met, so it was something which needed to be discussed and/or changed before you got married.

Maybe apologize to both husband and mother in law (even though she is controlling, your husband and his mother had this agreement before you met), and then after things smooth over, see about refinancing?

that is my best answer. i hope things work out.

Answer 6

Don't quit! persevere if u love this guy. it's him who u will spend forever with(if that's in the books), not his family. mothers always forget their sons are grown up & find it difficult that their sons now adore someone else. i say carry on treating her the way u want to be treated, everything will backfire on her in due time. don't get pressured in getting married straightaway. this won't solve the problem & neither will it make your mother in law walk away. Stand strong & firm in ur place. How about our bf? what support does he give u? He needs to stand by u too. u can't be in this battle alone. A friend i know was unaccepted by her bf for the 5 years they were together because she wasn't of the same race as him but they lived together during that time & eventually got married. now the whole family loves her & spoils her to bits. It's hard to do but it will pay off when they see how well you treat & love her son. She just obviously wants to be sure he's in good hands. when u have a son too albeit that's how you'll feel in the future. Good luck!

Answer 7

You need to ask him if he wants a wife of a mother of both.If he's going to leave over that then he needs to act like a man not a child. Every mother wants to help but to far is to far. You need to explain that every body has there own feelings. If you and your mother in law have problems then that should not have any thing to do with him. Tell him she is trying to make him choose even though he doesn't realize it.Point out the fact she is the cause of the problems.

Answer 8

He is mad at you for disrespecting his mother huh? Hmm. Is he mad at her for disrespecting you? Likely NOT. He is a mamas boy, he will never put you first. Maybe when you threaten to leave him, he may attempt a change. This will only get worse. You cant GEt him to put you first, that is manipulation on your part, and SHE is the queen of manipulation as far as he is concerned. Concede. Leave. Hopefully he will grow up ( and grow some ba**S).

Answer 9

oh not good......no offense but you married a "mommas boy" and you may never be able to make him change his views. The only thing that I can recommend is write him a letter this way you can express yourself with out him tuning you out or it turning into a fight were you may not be able to get a word in edge wise.....be kind and be careful in the words you choose cause once they are out there they cant be taken back.... work it out with him first than the 2 of you should go to his Mom......Good Luck with everything

Answer 10

Wow. Quite honestly, you may never get him to. He needs to grow up and cut those apron strings. Tell him you thought that you married a man, not some spoiled child. Good luck.