What is a "fair" curfew time for my 16 1/2 year old daughter?

Question

My daughter has a boyfriend that is 18 and drives. Even though I took her to the doctor's to get birth control, she ended up getting pregnant and terminating the pregnancy. I have been very strict with her (even before the above mentioned) regarding where she can drive with her boyfriend and that I want her to not drive with him at night. My ex husband thinks I'm too strict! She and he think I should let her stay out until 9 pm on weekends. It's not the "time" that's the prob., it's the fact that it gets dark here around 7 pm now and will get dark earlier as the months past. He only has 1 year of driving experience and has shown that he's not "responsible". I don't want to be too rigid but I worry about the choices she makes. Thanks for your honest, caring answers.

Answer 1

I was going to say 10 until I read the rest of your explanation. You are her mother and protecting her is your job. If you don't feel comfortable with something...don't allow it. It's not your job to be her best friend. She doesn't need to like you all the time. There's a fine line that has to be walked though because you don't want to push her away either. I'd say 9pm on weekends is fair. I would also have a nice chat with the boyfriend and explain that he is breaking the law by having sex with a minor and if he isn't respectful of your rules you'll be forced to report him to the police and restrict him from seeing your daughter all together. I wish you luck...

Answer 2

Ok I have an eight year old daughter and the thought of all the sex at 16 1/2 thing scares the crap out of me. I pray God helps me when it is my time, because I remember what I was like as a teen. I would say if she is in a grounded situation where she is revalidating her right to have a late curfew and earn your trust back, having an early curfew is not a problem. Your ex husband and you both need to get on the same page, your daughter messed up big time. She showed a great level of immaturity. You are not being too strict with your curfew. If that had happened to me when I was a teen, I wouldn't even be able to still see the boy, or if I did it would have been monitored, meaning the boy would have come to my house and doors would have stayed open and there would have been some serious consequences before I even got to see him again. Like grounding for a month, and volunteering after school at a hospital or a shelter to show her what happens when kids don't take responsibility. You bailed her out of this situation by allowing her to terminate the pregnancy, but the habits have not been changed, that needs to be reevaluated or it will just happen again.

Answer 3

i completely understand how worried you are but unless you're specifically punishing your daughter for getting pregnant (which i wouldn't recommend) 9pm on the weekends is really early for someone her age. i think 11pm would be more reasonable for someone who is almost 17...keep in mind that in a little over a year she will be 18 and possibly going off to college or moving out, and at that time she'll be able to stay out as late as she wants. you need to slowly let go of the control as long as she shows you that she's being responsible. even though her getting pregnant wasn't a good thing, i wouldn't necessarily say she was being "irresponsible" if she was taking her birth control properly. you probably want her to stop having sex, but she isn't going to...that's just the reality as much as you may not want to admit it. and teens don't just have sex at night, so if that's the reasoning for wanting her to have an early curfew, you won't be stopping her. growing up i had a lot of friends who's parents had similar rules and thought they were keeping their teens from doing "bad" things but trust me if they want to get away with something they will. that has to be terrifying for a parent but it's true. the best thing you can do is help your daughter be more responsible and make better choices. if she got pregnant on birth control, maybe she isn't taking it every day at the same time. talk to her about how important that is and try to get her to use condoms too. good luck! i'm only 21 but i can imagine how frustrating and difficult this all must be for you and your daughter. just try to keep communication open with her and let her know that you're there for her no matter what.
ps. i'm sure you'll get some "abortion is wrong, you/your daughter/her boyfriend are going to hell" kind of answers...try to ignore them. you made an extremely difficult decision and did what you all thought was best for your daughter and your family. that's all anyone can ask.

Answer 4

You are in all your right to be worried you are her mother you love her and she is being very irresposible one for aborting and you are okay when it is 9pm and if she comes home late then you ground for a week and she will not go keep more control your ex does not no becuase he is a man he is okay with it becuase he wants to look like the better person in the picture. To get on your daughter better side but I suggest to keep it 9:00- too 9:30 no latter and I would suggest you investigate on a birth control called the mierna it will help for her not to get pregnant it is not a pill for a shot is is a T shapped device that goes into you uterus and you will not get pregnant for 5 years this is good just for her not to get pregnant. Ask her doctor. Do it before you have to see her suffer and kill another human being.

Answer 5

Well I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm 17 and i only have 1 year of driving experience and i can stay out until 11 and it gets dark around 8:30 over here. But my mother doesn't know I'm having sex and she also doesn't know I'm hanging out with my boyfriend.

I think that you should band your daughter from seeing that boy. She is only 16 and she has already gotten pregnant and gotten rid of that poor little baby. She needs to stay at home and learn about life a little. You are being too lenient to even let her even be around that boy anymore.

All i can say is good luck and try to find her somebody better!!

Answer 6

You are worried about the choices she makes.... at 16.

So it is your reaction to limit the choices that she can make. However, people learn from making choices. We make a choice, and its good and we learn from it. We make a choice and it was bad, and we learn from it.

It sounds like throughout your daughters life, he choices have been limited, and therefore her learning curve has been limited. When she was 10, making a mistake could result in a bruised ego, or a bruised knee. The stakes are much higher now. And they only go up from here.

It is rough allowing your children to make their own mistakes. Parental instinct says that we must protect them. However we must also teach them.... and allow them to learn and grow.

9pm on weekends is probably a bit early. Most high school sports games get over with around 9:00 and she would never make it home in time. I would guess that since you live somewhere that gets dark early, it also gets cold, and therefore the kids will want to make it to the movies, which also get out between 9-10...

So allow your daughter to make some mistakes while you are still around to catch her when she falls. And in the mean time, explain to her boy friend such terms as "Statutory Rape", "Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor", etc. He is an adult now, and you should make it plain to him that he must step up to the plate, or get out of the ball park.

Answer 7

9 on weekends is really early! I'm not sure where you are from but here there are MOVIES starting at 9! I would give her till 10:30 or 11! With all do respect... I mean birth control didn't stop her from getting pregnant... a curfew isn't going to keep her from sneaking out and seeing him!

Answer 8

A fair curfew is whatever you say it is. If you trust your daughter and her boyfriend then 10:00 pm on school nights and 11:30 PM on weekends sound fair to me but That was mine growing up when I started driving. Fortunately now we all have cell phones and if she is going to be late I'd make sure I got a call.

Answer 9

I find no problem with 9PM at all on weekends.

I am a mom of a 19 year old daughter. When she was 16+ she had a boyfriend 18 that also drove. They both worked and Friday & Saturday evenings were their time to be together. In fact her curfew was flexible on weekends depending on what she was doing, who with, etc. There were school functions that ended at 11PM for example that I had no problem with her attending.

Answer 10

I was going to say ten or eleven, so I'd say that nine is fine. You're definitely being too strict. It's against the law for her to be sleeping with someone who is 18. That, you allow, but she can't stay out late? She's going to find a way to do what she wants anyway, so you may as well let her make choices for herself that you are aware of. I'd let her stay out until ten. The minute she's late, that's when you take the opportunity away from her.