Help me to paint with words please.?

Question

Thanx for looking.
I recently got an assignment to write an observing essay for my English course. Mine is about a bird. Please tell me if the intro is catchy Please

In a room with dimmed lights and large tinted windows I found a pair of binoculars, a row of benches and number of plaques with pictures. An odor of freshly opened bag of potatoe chips was filling the room as a little girl enjoyed her snack. Surprised and full of desire to tell others the girl said “Look, look mommy a bird” as she was looking outside through the window of the bird watching room. Outside, among standing tall green mature trees on a small grassy area, nearly twice the size of normal living room, in a nice calm weather birds she saw bird picking on fresh meal of their favorite seeds. Two waterfalls and three bird feeders make a heavenly environment for all creatures that enjoy fresh sip of water and a meal.

Answer 1

What were the pictures on the wall of? If not relevent, why mention them? I like the line about the potatoe chip odor. I think standing tall green mature trees is a bit too much, a little redundant, and too obvious. Of course the trees are standing and you expect them to be green. Maybe: Outside, the trees were tall and lush in their maturity. Not the best line, but better I think. A "small" grassy area wouldn't be twice the size of a normal living room would it? That whole sentence is too long and doesn't quite make sense. Maybe it should be seperated into two sentences. After the above sentence maybe: Their long limbs made a canopy for the birds to sit under and enjoy their favorite seeds.
Overall, it's okay, but it doesn't really make me see everything. I can see the girl when I read it, but not the beautiful outdoors, and not the birds. It needs a little tweaking ,and yes it needs something about how the birds look.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

I like it, it's a bit catchy! But why not describe the birds as well?

Answer 3

yes u should also write about more about the birds and in words put down exactly what they look like and what they are doing. who do they represent in your mind and put it words too but while talking still talking about the birds.

Answer 4

catchy enough...

listen to them and describe the bird(s) vividly as if we're seeing it through your eyes.

Answer 5

nice attempt. try to sprinkle it with more adjectives that appeal to the sense of sight.


good luck