My shortened, improved version of my old 'poem'...any suggestions..opinions?

Question

My life is going down; this frown continues to stand its ground. Life was going great; I had things to appreciate, like my friends and my life. But now I've lost all appreciativeness, I moved with my family half-way across the world, and though I've got my siblings, I feel like there’s a vast emptiness. Every day I log onto this site to talk to you guys, and for some reason, it feels like I’m home. I can remember the days, when I was crying, when I was angry, and when I was sad, ya'll guys would be there and I would be glad. But now I’m here in the Netherlands, and I remember how I would brag, I would tell everyone that this place was my home, where I came from, and nonetheless, now I feel that it is the place where I ran from... These are my feelings of the past and the present, of the future undone.

sorry for not posting a 'real' poem in poetry...I have made this context into a poem so, and have posted in poetry..so please make suggestions and state opinions on that!

Answer 1

I like the poem a lot. there is great emotional clarity, the narrative is straightforward, honest, and simple (for me simple is good) . In a lot of ways I think its fine as it is, as confessional poetry. Now If you wanted to you could change the structure and ditch some of the little words that may be holding back some of the images. I always do some "trimming" to my own poems; it just seems to add weight and intensity to the words that remain. If I had written the above poem this is how I might trim it and alter its physical shape. It's not really that important whether my version is good or bad what's important is that it gives you a chance to see your poem from a different perspective. Good luck with your feelings about the move, it must be hard.

My life going down;
this frown continues
to stand its ground.

Life was going great;
I had things to appreciate
like friends and siblings.

there’s a vast emptiness
Now that I've moved half-way
across the world,

Every day I log onto this site
to talk to you guys
it feels like I’m home.

I can remember the days
when I was crying
angry
sad
ya'll guys would be there
and I would be glad.

I’m in the Netherlands now
remember how I bragged ?
Told everyone that this place was my home
my heritage..

Home was where we moved from.

Answer 2

I view poetry because of the fact the expression of unfastened spirits occupied with prevalent subjects, whether or no longer they're inspired via religion or via profound secular concept transcending common realities. i might opt to indicate you study a poem via William Blake "Tiger", beginning with "Tiger, tiger burning dazzling ...." the 1st stanza by myself introduces a metaphysical question from which the poet never departs. you will hit upon it on the information superhighway or i ought to deliver it to you in case you opt for. What I see expresses your deep and in all probability non secular sensitivity, and it may be magnificent if the international adhered to 3 of your concepts. yet for my area it is not reasonable as there is no area for human nature as that's, even at its suitable. What I see is a itemizing of do no longer and SHALL no longer, and poets are human, no longer saints. You intimate "do no longer try this and that making use of words which comprise, mock/ridicule, envy, disrespect, accuse, do no longer declare ... better half. in the different case, "WORSHIP fellow poets/do no longer positioned your self above different poets etc." i presumed one worshipped in simple terms God in spite of everything, and many poets previous and cutting-edge are intellectually a techniques above others. i'm hoping you notice my factor and don't regard this as a poetic criticism of any type. that's with deep appreciate for somebody such as you that I took the liberty of expressing my reactions to what you have written.

Answer 3

this is not much of poetry. the poetic words are capitalists, arrogant, individualistic, they shine, each one alone and form the night's sky. on the other hand your words are socialists, working together, hand in hand, they are beautiful but there is not much poetry in them. read more until you gain the special magical feeling of poetry.

Answer 4

Kind of "whiney", adolescent, meter could use improving.

"y'all" is the correct spelling.

Answer 5

im sorry to say this but it sounds like you are just complaning not writting a poem.