It is mean to say that I am turned off by some of my husband's personality traits?

Question

I posted a question earlier and someone hit the nail on the head. I am turned off by some of my husband's personality traits. I feel so bad in saying that but it's true. We are like night and day in the personality department. Where do I start?

He is very non-chalant and care-free. If it doesn't affect him directly he doesn't care, but it usually affects me. For example, we may have a bill that's due and limited funds left. He'll throw a fit because we have to pay bills and there's not enough money to eat out with or mess off. I have to come up with creative ways to get around that to make him happy, therefore I do all the worrying.

He is a mama's boy to the heart. His parents live an hour away and he has to see them regularly or he gets cranky. We go there all the time and one day he asked if I wanted to go. I agreed but wanted to know if it would turn into an overnight trip (as usual) or if we'd be coming back. That's all I asked. He then told me I didn't have to go.

But what did I do wrong by asking. When it comes to mama he doesn't want any questions. He likes to play all the time. He goes overboard and when I say something about it or get upset he puts it on me and gets mad at me for getting mad at him.

I feel so trapped because I can't talk to him about anything. Not bills, not anything. His way of dealing with things is getting mad and becoming silent. While I'm banging my head up against the wall for answers, he's staring at the floor.

All he wants to do is play and have fun. I realize that we only live once but business is business. You have to take care of home first, right? Wrong. I take care of home while he blocks all worry out of his mind.

He doesn't know how to take constructive criticism. You tell me my breath stinks and I'll ask for a mint or brush my teeth. I say it to him, in a nice way, and he'll flip out on me. He'll tell me I'm imagining things and that I always have to say something about something. But I truly did smell breath.

We're coming back from a restaurant with all the windows rolled up in the car. He's picking his cavity with a toothpick and I can smell the odor (I had cavities so I know the smell). Again, I ask him to stop until we get home so I won't have to smell it and he tells me to shut up and that it's all in my head.

I can't ever say anything without being brushed off. If somebody tells you something, especially constructive criticism, they're telling you it for a reason.

Answer 1

LOL. Girl I hear you! My husband and I have really different personality characteristics as well. For instance, he's like totally obsessed with work. He works seven days a week which is one thing, but then even when he's home all he talks about is work and the people he works with's lives and the second I try to talk about anything else he either ignores me, just sits there starring at the wall like I'm not saying anything, or he'll just fall asleep altogether! I also like to do stuff together like play a game or watch a movie but he'll sit there and complain about it because he's not doing anything he wants to do. He'll want to go do stuff that I can't do and he will do this stuff a couple times a week, but when I say, "We haven't watched a movie together in about 2 months, do you want to watch something with me?" and he acts like it'll just ruin his day. He's also a complainer. He'll complain about allergies but won't take the medicine I offer him, he'll complain about working 7 days a week but then refuse to take a day off (self-employed), or he'll complain that he's cold but when I offer to get him a blanket or turn on the heat he tells me no. And even after offering these things and him refusing he'll keep complaining! My husband is also a momma's boy but his mom lives across the street. My husband and I will make a descision on something for our son and his mom will come in and decide the opposite and my husband will then take her side! He'll also do things like if I ask him if he wants breakfast or something he'll say no and then go to his moms house and she'll ask, "Did you eat breakfast?" to which he says no and then she'll feel all sorry for him like I don't feed him and she'll make him something. He won't bother to tell her why I didn't make anything & when I ask why he would eat her breakfast and not mine he'll say, "I didn't want to hurt her feelings." like mine don't matter. The list goes on and on. It's all part of being married and as long as there are more things you love about your husband then dislike you're doing ok. :) And talk to any woman and she'll say her husband is more likely to gauge his eyes out then to talk to her and listen about her feelings. Just get some girlfriends to tell all this stuff too and blow off some steam when he gets on your nerves and all will be good.

Answer 2

It is not mean to say "You are turned off", for this is what you truly feel. The way you present this feeling to your husband is in the form of an attack... find a different way to present the feeling you are feeling. Writing a letter is a great way to do this... it give you the room to put it all on paper and the possibility of uncovering some feeling that were hidden.

I have been married for 14 years and as a man had a hard time accounting for the business of the family... a question was presented to me to write a letter to my wife on this subject... letters were exchanged and a new understanding came to light for both of us...

Now it wasn't always like this... we've had our problems and will continue to have challenges thrown our way... each of us may have a solution; but, we discuss it before moving forward... This type of communication was taught to us by a very giving group of married couples at "Retrouvaille".

Every day we each have a set of experiences together and apart from our spouse. Each of us must find a way to share these with our partners and build a stronger bond.

Find a way to get your husband to truly open up and share everything with you; and you must do the same...

Answer 3

Oh girl, you sounded all right until the moment where you overreacted for him picking his teeth. That sounds like pain in an *** and if you do such constructive criticism on a constant basis, no surprise that he gets upset.

Your husband doesn't seem to be perfect but no one is perfect. Neither are you. You should try to focus on his good side, the reason why you married him in the first place. Was he any different when you dated?

You should try to relax and lay back a little bit.

Answer 4

Lack of communication and money issues are the two most threatening challenges to a marriage.

If he would talk to you about anything, you could ask him how he would like to handle the problem of wanting to spend more than is possible on fun.

If he won't talk because he doesn't know how, see if you can get him to come to counseling with you. Tell the counselor you both need communication lessons, and ask if (s)he teaches that sort of thing regularly.

If he won't talk, and won't say why, and won't try to learn to, you're kinda stuck. Get some help for yourself. Avoid having children, the one you have is enough.

Answer 5

It is only mean not to recognize it and suffer in silence. You will find it a very hard life to stay married to someone you don't like. And that sounds like the situation here. Yes, you love your hubby and he does have some good qualities about him; however, they are outweighed by the negative traints that are super irritating and his ability not to take your complaints serious are a good indication of his sensitivity and love for you. 'SOME PEOPLE ACCEPT AND STAY IN THIS TYPE OF MARRIAGE FOR YEARS...OTHER COP OUT AND GET DIVORCE FOR HOPES OF A BETTER RELATIONSHIP. THE CHOICE IS YOURS. BUT, DON'T EXPECT HUBBY TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IF THIS IS THE WAY HE HAS BEEN SINCE DAY ONE. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 6

lemme start by saying , you only think hes not concerned about the bills , he works doesn't he . and its not a bad thing to want to spend a little of the money he works hard for once in awhile . and I'm sure you do things he doesn't like and maybe he doesn't wanna fight with you so he never complaines . and as far as his parents go , listen those are the people who brought him into this world , yes he loves them and it wouldn't kill you to just go along with his overnight stuff sometimes , his parents arent gonna be around forever , just lay off a little will ya , your making the word nag look like its true

Answer 7

No one says we have to love everything about our husbands!

My hubby and I are total opposites too, but it works for us.

From what you're describing I have to wonder...how did you two hook up in the first place? Those are traits you would have seen before marriage.

In any case, you're married now, so the two keys here are communication and compromise, and it needs to come from both of you.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

This is so whiny, I didn't even want to finish reading it. You cannot control anyone else's behavior. If you nag someone to death, they are going to tune you out. Jealousy will eat you alive if you let it.

Get some counseling, you've got victim down really well and need to stop playing that game.