i had an affair when i knew my marriage was not going anywhere.?

Question

I broke with hubby and now my lover is seeing someone else because he never got a commitment from me. I feel vindictive and I want him to see how hurt how I am, even though he is still nice to me. I don't want to get back with hubby ever. I want to move on but I can't seem to get anywhere. Lost interest in sex, become unsocial.Nothing to look forward to, becoming a hater.Am I depressed? Is there a way out?

Answer 1

Ah.. I am in the same boat. Only, you could say that I am a bit of both sides. I was ending a marriage and so was he. He was wonderful, and I spent a year living with him. We had found that we were absolutely soul mates. After a year, he was not talking to his wife, he had his head in the sand, he was still paying all of the bills. His kids were grown. I had one son who absolutely loved him. He was trying to play it "safe" waiting for her to be ready for the divorce. So, he kept quiet and out of the way and out of the picture which was hard on his adult children. I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I wanted our life to move ahead and start, and I felt like were were just borrowing time and it was such a waiting place. We couldn't buy a house together etc.. because he was still married. So, after a year I ended it with him. He fought for me for a year. I dated other people. Finally after a year of proving to me by trying to file for divorce, however, she was able to scare him into signing a "motion de squash".. and watching him and listening to him tell me that he was not staying here to lose, I came back. But, it was to late. There was no other women, but he had become very close to a group in his church, and he wanted to live right now. Which meant that we could be together but it had to be somewhat "on hold" again, but now until his divorce went through and he was not ready to file because he was waiting for the right time so he wouldn't get screwed financially. We stayed together like that for a year. No sex, which made me feel just like his x wife, because he couldn't have sex with her.. it just was not a desire for him. I went through so many emotional states over this. Finally in March we ended it romantically, because there wasn't any romance, only rules and regulations, tho we deeply cared for one another. So, I started to date around to keep myself occupied and busy. I ended up seeing another man for 8 weeks and I got pregnant. Now, my soul mate that I met so many years ago is standing right beside me. The other guy left of course when he found out I was pregnant, but the one person that I wanted so much and had such little patience or understanding for why things couldn't just happen for us the way I felt they should, is standing by me. He is still the best father in the world to my son, who's own father is MIA. He has proven to me what unconditional love is. I chose to look at the "committment" issue and the "no sex until marriage" issue with selfish eyes. I have certainly lost the only man I have ever met that never turns his back on me. The stinger is that just the other day as we were driving out to a new house that I am planning on moving to, he asked, what are you going to do if some day I fall in love with someone else? That brought me to my knees in my heart, because I see the error of my ways and how much I hurt him by leaving, and I simply said, "oh I couldn't handle that." and he asked "well, are you going to tell me to go pound sand if that ever happens?" and I replied, "no, but I won't be involved in your life because it will hurt so much to see the joy and love that I lost and walked away from given to another woman. It changes our relationship

Answer 2

No, it's absolutely not fair to keep this secret from your husband. It's not fair to him to just lie and say that your "feelings have changed," when the real reason is that you've been screwing around with someone else. If you want a life with your husband, you owe him the truth - and then just pray that he wants to work on the marriage with you, rather than just dumping you outright. This isn't a "rough patch" - this is you outright cheating on your husband and then lying about it. None of this is your husband's fault. Everyone makes mistakes, sure. But you're judged more on how you handle it then on the mistake itself. So sit down with your husband, tell him the truth, beg for his forgiveness, and tell him that you will gladly go to counseling and do whatever it takes to earn back his trust (and that is probably going to take YEARS. Or it's possible that he may never fully trust you again.). Don't be surprised if he wants a separation for a while to think things over, or if he says that he's not interested in a reconciliation and wants an immediate divorce. If you love your husband even a little bit, then you owe him the truth. If you can't do that, then fess up and tell him that you had an affair and you think that a divorce is necessary.

Answer 3

You are depressed but it will only be temporary, ok? Don't worry too much. Let's say you made a mistake a) by commiting an affair when you're married and that guy is now with someone else and b) marrying someone not suitable for you. Just take that as a lesson. At the present being, you are feeling unloved because suddenly, you are alone. Think:
Is having a man equals to happiness in life?
Is sex everything to life?
Does one mistake equals to failure?
No. Life is so much more than this. You are going to be a better person the next time, you are going to enjoy life, and you are going to meet someone even better because you have become a better person. For the time being, just stay calm and enjoy being yourself. Everyone is important in the world and this including you. The society out there needs you, do not start with hate but love, and you'll soon see the rainbow in the sky after the storm.

Answer 4

I am not here to judge you. But as you are still in contact with your lover, why not talk with him about it all. You say he is seeing someone else; is it serious or is he just dating this person? And the truth is, if your lover really cared deeply for you, he would rush back into your arms as you aren't with your husband now and seem ready to committ to him. And yes, you are depressed. Sure you have much going on in your mind. Always the guilt of cheating on someone and now the rejection from the other man.

You are healing, right now; that is why you are depressed and have lost interest in everything. Force yourself to go out and do things, be with friends, do the things you are passionate about in life. As you have ended your marriage, it is a new start for you; time to meet new people and move forward. Truth is, you really don't want someone to be with you if they don't wish to do so, no matter how much it may hurt. Why enter into another relationship that will be doomed to fail? The way out is to keep busy, cry and heal and time will take care of the rest.

Answer 5

I am going to assume you got with your lover after you and hubby broke. Did he ask you for a commitment? He may never see how hurt you are.
And you also say he is still nice to you. You don't want hubby back. Your lover is not taking you back
Honey move on, It sound like you may be depressed. You have lost interest in too many things. Hon go see your Doctor and tell him how you are feeling emotionally He can help. Take care of yourself because if you don't who will? NOBODY!!!

Answer 6

You are becoming a hater,not of men, but yourself. You are feeling low because your lover essentially rejected you. Rejection is always the hardest thing to get over, women especially get severely depressed,,,doing the second guessing thing and the what if....what if I made a better choice, what if I were prettier, better in bed.....etc. The up side,there is always a way out. Prepare yourself to move on with your life. You didn't say if you were still living with your husband or if he knows about the other man....either way, you do need to apologize for screwing up. Put your energy into work and your own place and starting on a new life. Be prepared for the cosmic hand to come down and slap you....Karma is miserable, however, once you atone and take your licks, everything will workout for the best. Best of luck, and cheer up.......you are human and everyone makes mistakes.

Answer 7

this is nothing to do with karma. you're very clear about not wanting to be with your hubby: good. and obviously you didn't feel you could commit to your ex-lover so soon. if you can have an honest chat with him about your feelings but being clear you're responsible for them, that might help. make sure you still see friends and go out. you need to look after yourself and with time you'll be able to move on. good luck.

Answer 8

"now my lover is seeing someone else because he never got a commitment from me. I feel vindictive and I want him to see how hurt how I am"

You think you are depressed? I think you are feeling guilty.

You know you don't have to get back with your ex-husband to just say that you are sorry, and that you now understand what you put him through.

Put it behind you and walk away.

Answer 9

How can you possibly expect someone who slept with you when you were married to respect any relationship they had with you. They've already proved that they don't.

Maybe this will be a learning experience for you. Otherwise you can just keep going on making the same mistakes. Best of luck.

Answer 10

you need to talk to a counselor to help you put this behind you... fighting and arguing with him will do no good for you or him. hes going to do what ever he wants.. so take this as a lesson learned and move on..try to find a new mate and be happy.. you have to be willing to put it all behind you that is only way out of it..forgive him and forgive yourself.. good luck