Im 20 and divorced?

Question

Im 20 and divorced, wondering if anyone else feels the same. I rushed into my marriage and realized i didn't take it very seriously. Im not sure id ever want to get married again. I have no children but i deffinitly want a few in the future, but at this point i dont feel the need to marry the father of my future children. Id much rather have children before i get married again. Does anyone else feels this way or has someone gone through this?

Answer 1

Sounds like you don't need to rush into either. Your still only 20. You have a LONG road ahead still. If you find yourself in a situation where you are pregnant and not in a serious, heading for marriage relationship, don't feel like you need to marry that person. Marrying someone strictly on the grounds of being pregnant is absolutely the most ridiculous reason to "tie the knot". Obviously since you have already been married and divorced are very aware of how serious a marriage actually is. So, imagine going through what you already have with children in the equation. In short, I do not think having children before marriage is not a bad thing just remember that having children is a different kind of "marriage" that you cannot divorce.

Answer 2

I do not suggest moving in with a boyfriend. That is selling yourself short. You will wind up giving him sex, doing all the household chores, paying half the bills, and taking most of the risks of sex... and he will have absolutely no impetus to go ahead and marry you because you are already giving him the full benefits of a wife without the commitment.

On top of that, living together as a couple for "X-amount of time" makes you common-law married in most states. You can be saddled with his debts. If he dies, you don't have the ability to collect the life insurance, and if he is on life support, you don't have the ability to pull the plug... yet they can hold you responsible for all the hospital bills. So there you have all the risks and none of the benefits.

Don't move in with your boyfriend without at least an engagement ring and a set wedding date. Don't make any babies without a solid committment. This stuff never works out. Families are best made with complete cooperation.
Besides, divorces are cheap.

Answer 3

The exact same kind of situation developed with me, with the same end-result conclusions. I feel the same way in all respects, except the having kids part. If my marriage had resulted in children, I would be tied to that awful woman forever in one form or another because there were children involved. I wouldn't want kids because of the risk of having to be involved with another monster-like human being indefinitely. I'm happy being single and want to keep it that way at almost all costs.

Answer 4

I haven't been in that situation but I just want to say that everyone isn't perfect, and don't worry about the next time you get married. Worry about yourself, right now is the perfect time to get to know yourself. You are worth moving on. You belong to you, be your own reflection.

Answer 5

If I can say anything to you.. it's this..

First.. rushing into a marriage isn't why a marriage will fail.
You're young age, however was probably the reason..

Please don't be offended by that.. but from my life experience I know that the guy I loved at 15 wasn't the guy I loved at 18, or 21 or 25. By my mid to late 20's I knew what I was looking for.. and had been through my share of hurts from past relationships, which made me stronger..

In the end.. at 29, I met my husband, married him on our 3rd date.. and we've been married for almost 7 years now.

So age and experience have a lot to do with it.. and honestly when I was 20, I thought I knew what I want.. but trust me.. when you get into your late 20's early 30's.. everything becomes a lot clearer.

As for children.. I, like you, wanted children, before I found my husband. But I held back.. why?? Because I recognize how important a stable family element is for a child.. to have a mother and father who are married living under the same roof creates an incredible stable foundation for a child.

To deny your child that, would be selfish. (#1)

So many younger people in the late teens, early 20's rush into having children.. and not only do they deny their child a stable family foundation of a mom and dad living under the same roof.. but they also deny THEMSELVES.. the opportunities of a higher education, a stable and good job, and owning a home...

All of those things.. higher education, good job (working your way into one) and owning a home.. all those thing, help you progress and grow as a person.. a better person.. which means you'll be a better wife and mother in the future.

If I could suggest anything it would be this..

Your first marriage was a mistake.. move past that now and recreate YOURSELF !

Go to your local community college and start on just getting your AA and then transfer to a 4 year school and work on getting your BA.
You learn a lot about yourself at college.. not partying.. but discipline, budgeting, dealing with stress, time management (juggling), getting alone with different people (age or ethnic), etc.. there is so much you will learn academically but what you will learn as a person is far more valuable if you ask me.. and I don't think you could learn it anywhere else.. well, maybe the military.. but that's not for everyone.

Secondly.. rediscover something about yourself.. take on a new hobby or project.. and learn it and do it.. it can be sculpture, or scrap booking, etc.. but it will give you a chance again to progress and grow.

But start there. If your religious go to church .. if your not, then figure out what you believe and go from there.

But if you do these things.. between work and school and your hobby.. you will redefine and rediscover yourself.

These are things you can't do or can't do easily with a child.

And as for a social life.. hang out with friends, date casually.. (nothing serious.. avoid sexual relationships.. it will complicate your life right now.) But basically have just good clean fun.

And then give yourself some time.

You'll know when the time is right to get serious with a guy .. you'll marry and have children.. and you'll be glad you did it this way as opposed to having children and then finding a father figure.

My personal life.. I had on and on bad relationships.. the longestly lasting 10 years off and on.. finally I just concentrated on my college degree, and working. I lived alone but I had some stable friends .. who I hung out with.. we'd go to the movies, or eat out.. sometimes go dancing.. but just clean fun..

And for me.. it took me quite a few years to come to the point that I was ready to get serious.. but when I did come to that point.. I married him on our 3rd date. I had my college degree, I had a stable place I was living, and I had a really good job.

My husband and I then didn't rush into children.. we wanted time for each other.. and so we didn't start on getting pregnant until 2005 (we were married in 2001). We lost our first 2 pregnancies due to a medical disorder I have.. but our 3rd try.. was a baby girl who was just born this past January.

I have no regrests of marrying at 29 1/2..... and having my first child at 35. I wouldn't change my life.. because in the end I was ready.

My husband and I are older parents.. but we're both stable and loving and patient and kind, and intelligent.. we have that to offer our daughter and each other.

Now on the other side of the coin, I look at my niece who had a series of bad relationships.. and then gave up on men and decided to have kids. She is now 25 with 3 children, all from different fathers. She is now married for the second time to the father of the 3rd child. And let me tell you..
she has no education, she has a job that is okay .. but she'd not be able to make ends meet if not for her husband.
People still look down on her for her having 3 children from differnet men..
but she's angry all the time.. doesn't treat the kids or her husband the way she should.. and the sad truth... we can see that this marriage for her will end to a divorce with in a year or less.

Point being.. she never gave herself time to heal and recreate heself from her first failed relationship.. before she rushed into having kids.. etc.. which she had the first one.. because she wanted too. To me, that's not a reason.

Her two older childern suffer academically.. seriously.. her new born son who is 5 months old.. is behind in his development.. as well as seriously underweight..

not everyone ends up like her.. but I've seen too many people your age, making these same mistakes.. all of them or some of them.. and years later they regret it.

Take some time for yourself.. find yourself..

Avoid serious relationships (sex included) for a year or two.
Avoid having children until your married, and have been married for a couple years..

Children are around forever.. but that time alone with your spouse.. if you can get a couple years in together.. before kids.. then do it. You'll appreciate it more when your kids are grown.. it won't be so weird when all of a sudden it's just you and your husband.

Anyway..good luck. I hope you make the right choices..and heed my advice.




So for now, I would say.. go to college.. get your degree.. don't worry about children..

Answer 6

well its all up too you what you do with your life.. no one elses. ;you do what you think feels right to you.. and if marriage and kids are not in that right now well thats great at least you see that before having them ... enjoy your life right now coz it can end at any moment.. good luck

Answer 7

Let me guess. When your parents said, ' Honey, we don't think this is a good idea', you blew them off, because they didn't have a clue, right?

Answer 8

Just not met the right guy yet, is all. Your feelings will change, when you do.

Answer 9

ah snap.....