Help me with my marriage please....?

Question

My husband closed on refinancing his house today. He filled me in on bits and pieces of what he was doing but never really explained his decision to me. We have only been married for 3 months and I gave up a free home, a corporate job and my extended family in another state to move here. I learned about the closing yesterday, confronted him about it, he felt obligated to invite me this evening to it. I have been struggling to find the right job here and when I first moved he made me feel as if he would help me out much more than he has...his life has continued while I am worried about my future. I felt I made the right decision, not for money or my own materialistic gain. I doubt my decision now. He refinanced to pay off all of his bills and rebuild his credit, not discussing it with me. I said I was worried about my future he said he would try and help me rebuild and "see" if he could put me on his life ins. policy. He is leaving it to his 28 yo hx of drug use son. Help pleas

Answer 1

See this is why people say don't give up anything of yours until your positive he's stable enough and is working just hard as you are to make your life easier. you gave up a good job, a home, family to move miles away to have what a husband? he needs to step up and help you out. explain to him the agreement you made before you left everything behind. stress to him the fact that you gave up everything to move with him you love him yes but you need to know that you'll be taken care of if he suddenly dies. whether that has to do with you working or not you need to have that secure for the future.

Answer 2

This is another example of rushing into a relationship with a man not to be trusted. You need to get an attorney to look into that, and then see if you can still get the free house, the corporate job and the extended family back. you sound like a very good person who trusted the wrong man and someone who needs counseling to find some self esteem for yourself because although you didn't do this for money or materialistic gain, it is clear to me that he did. By refinancing the house, he may have been able to get some money from the bank and if he were to leave now you would be stuck paying the house off possibly. get an attorney as soon as possible and then leave this loser!!

Answer 3

So you are in your 50's? And you haben;t figured out by now that if he wasn't completely up front about his finances and if there was not a prenuptual agreement, that he has a seperate financial life from yours? Wake up sister.

I don't care how "in love" people are before they ever say I DO they need to say, WHO ARE YOU?

You should find a financial counselor or an attorney and sit down with them and go over your own finances right now. Then you should make your new husband sit with the cousnelor with you and tell him he needs to bring along every single financial account detail he has.

If you are in a no fault divorce state and this husband has debt you did not know about and he just refinanced his life while he was married to you AND he leaves you then YOU are responsible for HALF his debt!!!!!

NO fault states consider every bit of debt that was incurred WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.

"His" house, before he refinanced it, was a debt he incurred prior to his marriage to you and it would have remained his debt if you two split up. Not now. Even if you were not invited to the closing of a refinance deal.

The life insurance really shouuld be something that is for HIS CHILD-or children. Not you. YOU just showed up in his life recently. THEY have been in his all along. And whether hsi kid is a loser or a multi millionaire, he has the right to decide who gets that money when he dies.

If you two can sit down immediately and sort through ALL your finances together- honestly and openly- then look into purchasing a second life insurance policy for each of you where he is your benefactor and you are his. Perhaps a smaller amount or if you can afford it, get a healthy amount in a Whole Life policy that you can actually use for cash later if you need it.

It sounds like you two did not bother to ask the really hard questions before you sigend up for a life together. I expect that from teenagers. Not from people half way to 100.
If his finances are being kept at arms length from yoou, you can bet your butt there are other things you haven;t bothered to ask about and he, obviously, has declined to share.

Ask NOW. Ask EVERYTHING. And if you don't like the answers then get out of this relationship right now. It won;t be getting any better then this very moment. And if you're too chicken to ask, then shut up and swallow your poison. YOU poured it.

Answer 4

How well do you know this man? He should have discussed any "moves" he makes in your marriage, regardless if it was his house alone or you were both on the note. I'd seriously rethink the entire situation if you don't know him well. By this, I mean less than a year. (How long did you date before you became engaged?) before I married I had a private investigator friend check on him. It was actually 3 months after we began dating. I had a child, I didn't know his friends or family and he was from another state. I got his entire dossier. I did this as a precaution. Good luck and proceed with caution.

Answer 5

Starting off a marriage on such dishonesty can only a precursor of things to come. Financial decisions that major should be a mutual thing. As a married couple you form a sort of financial corporation. A partnership, as it were. Partners need to know what the other is doing.

Answer 6

There is a lot of manipulation going on here... keep your scopes up.

In abusive relationships, it usually starts with the man separating the woman from her support systems (family, friends, church, car, job, etc,) then beginning with the smaller put-downs, then into verbal abuse, then it goes into physical abuse. After each beating there is a make-up honeymoon, then the subsequent beatings get worse and worse in intensity until she either bolts in fear of losing her own life or winds up in a hospital bed.

He has already manged to get you away from most of your support system, and has tried to completely keep you out of any benefits. He is probably laying a bunch of little put-downs on you to shake your confidence.

When you get a new job, take your first paycheck and open your own checking and savings accounts at a bank, and have your statements going to a PO Box. You need to stow some cash where you can get at it quickly if you need to bolt... I would suggest a Kotex box tucked in the back of your closet.

Answer 7

I think you REALIZE you're in deep trouble! The fact that he doesn't have his own wife on his life insurance policy speaks VOLUMES about his true feelings about you. The fact that he doesn't even include you in a major decision (like a home) also speaks VOLUMES. Now, what else do you need to know. Bluntly speaking, it's crystal clear, he doesn't love you and certainly isn't thinking of you as a life-partner.

Answer 8

You can still annul this marriage if you want. Was it for love? Seems like you gave up your life to move with him and he's not compromising. I would rethink your move because he's being selfish and not considering your feelings or financial security. See if your job is still available and if you can move back. I don't see a promising future for the both of you when he's gone behind your back to refinance his home.

Answer 9

I think you gave up a lot to a man who is not putting you first. He doesn't need to "see" if he can make you a beneficiary on his life insurance...he just needs to DO IT. You need to have a serious talk with this man before you invest any more of your life into a possibly dead-end situation. Marriage counseling seems to be needed to help you blend your lives into a more happy and satisfying union for both of you. God bless.

Answer 10

I'm not sure it's even legal for him to do that without your consent since you are married.
If he's doing this, God only knows what else he is doing without telling you. Call a lawyer and get out now. Also please make sure you file separate income taxes and have all your own finances in order.