I'm in love with a married man at work. Should I quit my job?

Question

I'm also married. Just when I think I could be over the guy at work, I fall for him all over again. I'm debating whether or not it's worth it to quit my job. I like my job and I need the money and health care. I'm afraid that if I quit, then it might just make my obsession with this guy even stronger because I won't see him anymore. Or it could be the other way? I don't know.

I also don't like the idea of starting all over again with finding a new job.

Answer 1

You got one thing right, it,s an obsession-not love. What do you know about your co-worker? Love is a bond that takes time and work. Do you think he feels attracted to you? Do you know how he feels about his wife? Do you even know how he acts outside of work? If changing jobs is what it takes than do it! But I think what you really need to be thinking about is what is wrong with your marriage. Why are you even thinking about anyone but your husband? Is your marriage worth trying to save? If so,great, do it. If not, stop looking for some knight in shinning armor to come save you(especially a married one) save yourself!

Answer 2

It is not uncommon that people develop fond feelings for each other at work, even if they are married. But the key word in your comment is 'obsession'. An obsession is not the same as love and is not very healthy. I would recommend that you get individual therapy and/or marriage counseling to learn how to understand and manage the root of your problem. Ideally, you should be able to avoid forming an obsession from just fond feelings. If you simply find another job and run away from the circumstances then you will be setting yourself up for a repeat incident (or incidents) of "falling in love" in the future.

WK

Answer 3

Yes.

You should quit your job for a few reasons. First, you're a married woman. Your feelings for this man are detrimental to your marriage, and that's your primary obligation. You ought to be able to treat this man as a colleague and consider him a colleague. However, if you don't have the fortitude and discipline to do that, you need to prioritize your marriage. You took on that obligation.

Second, he's married. If you can't behave appropriately at work, you're putting him in an unacceptable position. He should be prioritizing his marriage, regardless of its success, He shouldn't find himself the object of inappropriate attention in the workplace.

Third, if your marriage is actually going to fail it should do so without external assistance. If you divorce, your next relationship deserves to have no connection to your current marriage. You'll have personal issues to address in order to make the next one work, and it's not responsible to involve another person.

Fourth, your employers have a right not to have this sort of issue in the workplace.

Starting a new marriage is harder than starting a new job. Starting a new life as a single woman is harder than starting a new job. It would be best to simply behave appropriately at your current job, but if you can't do that you must quit. If you've already engaged in inappropriate behavior while at your current job, QUIT. The issues of sexual discrimination and harrassment are enormous, and can't be ignored.

I mentioned discipline earlier because it's the real issue. Calling this an obsession absolves you of power, but you do have the power to control your thoughts. You can analyze why this man caught your attention, and why you enjoy permitting him to hold it. What pleases you about thinking about him? What does it let you avoid considering and dealing with in your marriage? It's like you're on a desert island fantasizing about a nightclub instead of fixing the motor on the boat in front of you.

Answer 4

Are you sure it's love? Maybe just a crush. Are you and your husband having problems? Maybe your coworker says things to you the way your husband used to. Or he makes you feel special or makes you laugh the way your husband did. Find out why you are attracted to him. Something is missing in your marriage that needs to be found again. You & your hubby go on a mini vacation & talk things out. Or spend a night at a local hotel will rekindle the spark. Please try counseling first. Don't quit your job. You'll regret it. Don't have contact with him unless you have to. Focus on fixing your marriage. Try everything before giving up. Leave the coworker alone. His wife won't appreciate it. You don't want to be responsible for their marriage breakup. Maybe you & hubby can work things out. God bless.

Answer 5

First of all you do not leave your job. But you sit down with him and terminate this relationship that is not going any where. You are both married and appears will be making no effort to dissolve your marriages. And if you do the chances are ;he will not dissolve his.
You are two adults and should be able to conduct you selves as professional during working hours.
Reevaluate your situation, look at yourself and find a good counselor to help you with your feelings of obsession which cannot sustain any relationship .
Please seek counseling professional who can help you to identify what you are feeling and why you have chosen to go outside of your marriage
Keep your job because it may be the only thing you have left if your husband discovers your infidelity.

Answer 6

Get over your crush. It's not about you anymore. You need the job and insurance and you have a man and he has someone else too. There are too many innocent people involved for you to do something like this that you know will NOT end well for a LOT of people.

Find another job and seek therapy to fix your self if not your marriage.

Answer 7

You are a married woman. You may have a big crush on him but it is not as though whoops we are having sex. You have to make a decision is it your marriage or your job. You made your vows with your husband to promise to be with him till death do you part. There is nothing in the vows that states till another man comes between us. The grass always seems greener on the other side. Say things were to work out with this man you will never be able to trust him. You need to really think about this one.

Answer 8

I wonder if that is all you or he is causing that? you said when you think it is over, you fall for him again which to me means that he is doing something, whether he means to or not, to cause that feeling that perhaps your husband is not doing, like listening to you, making you feel important, and if he know you feel that way, he may just be hoping to cheat on his wife with you.
you need to compare him with your husband and your marriage and if the husband and marriage do not outweigh the guy at work, then work on that. find the love that caused you to get married and try to strengthen that love, do things with your husband, get some counseling if need be for your marriage, and hopefully you will find the love you once had wnen you got married and not worry about the guy at work.

Answer 9

I don't know if you need to quit your job but I know that you need to NOT do anything with this man no matter what. If it means you have to quit your job, then quit the job. Your marriage commitment is more important than anything else. Not to mention that if you get involved with someone at work, it will be a lot harder to deal with both work AND the relationship.

Believe me, I was in the same boat and I did the wrong thing. I wasn't married but I was in a relationship that I thought was loving and happy, and then I thought I had these amazing one-of-a-kind feelings for someone at work, and I did NOT listen to what is right like you did, I went with the guy at work and got out of my formally happy relationship. Now I just feel completely miserable and guilty. The other guy at work was married although "separated pending divorce." I regret doing anything with him even though my feelings (both physical and emotional) were so strong at the time that I felt that I could not fight them. (If you want to talk more just email me.)

I think sometimes working closely with people, or being in challenging situations with people we admire, etc., creates some kind of bond that feels like love or excitement or happiness, but it is really just an escape from our mundane reality at home, and NO reason to ruin an otherwise awesome relationship.

Do not cheat. You can never undo something like that. You will always regret it like I do. Please listen to me. There are so many reasons NOT to do it -- it is not going to turn out pretty if both of you are married to other people. I know it is tempting but it will only lead to complete and utter downfall for everyone involved. Eventually you and this married man would NOT work out as a couple no matter what else happened with each of your own marriages... and it is so hard to disentangle yourself from a relationship with someone you work with. I do not mean to moralize or preach -- there is the moral reason to stay faithful but there is also the emotional reason that you need to stay far away from married men and from people at work in general.

If you think the only way to remain faithful to your husband is to quit your job, then YES, quit it. But if you can have self control and tell yourself that it's wrong wrong wrong and it will only lead to misery for you, then just don't do it no matter what and keep your job. I would recommend you think about what it is you're "missing" at home and try to spice it up a bit. And think about how you would feel if your husband was pining away for some chic at work, you would want him to turn all that creative energy in your direction instead of emotionally or physically cheating on you.

I know you will do the right thing. Good luck. ~Nadia

Answer 10

What about your husband??? How do you feel about him?? By what you have stated, it seems that you two might have had your fling and it's all over, at least for him. Are you sure it's not lust?? Is that guy really worth you quitting your job, money, and health care? Seriously, think about it!