Cheated on wife. Try to make it work or leave for something better?

Question

I have been with my wife for 9 years,married for 5. We have a 2 year old daughter. Things have been rough for 4 years now. I love her but have fallen out of love with her. We fight all the time, mostly about stuff that I dont think that I can change.
I started working with this girl, Lucy, about a year ago. Shes 18, I'm 30. We were friends. Then we started having strong feelings. We decided to kiss one day to see if there were sparks. It was like the fourth of july. We fell in love and were together about 4 months before she decided she didnt want to live a lie to her parents. She said to look her up when i get separated. In the meantime she started dating a guy that pretty much stands for everything she is against (ie. smoking pot and drinking) She tells me she wants to be with me when all is done with my wife. Now she cheats on him with me. I know I can fix things with my wife...but it wont ever be as good as it was with Lucy. Any advice? Stick it out or divorce?

I have never felt this way about anyone and i have been in 3 really long relationships. Not once have i felt this strongly about anyone. This isnt a lust thing as all we have done in 4 months is kiss and hug. Its not about being with an 18 yr old who by the way is a devout christian and virgin.

To the people that call this girl a skank. dont bother answering. say what you want about me. i may deserve it. but do NOT attempt to feel better about yourself by putting other people down. to those of you that have never been in this situation, try to put yourself in my place. i regret marrying this woman. even before i met Lucy. it was pretty much over and still is but i dont know how to tell her that it is. I dont want to hurt her more than I have to. and just because someone is 18 doesnt make them a skank.

Answer 1

From the beginning of time we are tempted for the forbidden fruit that is what Lucy is, work on what u have at home ...

Answer 2

Well! I have heard this story many times over the years. First of all Lucy is too young for you. Not only age wise, but maturity wise as well. Believe me, you have nothing in common. It's fatal attraction on your part. Any eighteen year old will dump an older married man if they feel that it's not going anywhere. Of course this type of problem surfaces in all men a bit later in life. It's called "male menopause." This sudden onset is sparked by a new member of the family, in your case. Fatherhood is a tough road. You long for the freedoms of no child to bog you down. To feel eighteen again without the responsibilities of adulthood. Unfortuanately, you are an adult and Lucy is not. Think about how your wife is bogged down. I'm sure she would long to be eighteen again herself. Your skirmishes with your wife probably have been more like three years, not four. Around the time of your daughters conception.

Think back to all of those fantastic, loving attributes you saw in your wife. The reasons why you married her in the first place. They are still there! They are only hidden by the temporary fussing over raising a small child. Thirty is also a very tough age to reconcile - for both of you.

Don't give up the ship. Just remember the words to the song that goes like this - "Today I met the girl I'm going to marry, she means the world to me and even more."

While you reignite the dying embers - stay away from Lucy. Don't try to pull this again. Get involved with raising your daughter. She'll bring all of the joy you'll ever want. After all, she's Daddy's little girl.

Be absolutely certain that you can "fix" things with her. If you're wrong and tell her, forget everything I told you. Your out.

Answer 3

Ugh I don't like you or Lucy right now..... why would you ever put a ring on your wifes finger and promise to devote all your love and attention to her and then so easily stray? Who cares what religion Lucy is, she knows she is a homewrecker and she is continuing to do so - plus fooling around with two men at the same time - she is as big a $lut as you are. You do not deserve your wife, you are scum. Keep trying to convince yourself that this Lucy girl is wonderful, notice I say girl - bet she isn't taking this nearly as serious... at 18 you are not ready to get in a serious committed relationship with a 30 old!!! Tell your wife what you've been doing behind her back, I am certain she will make up your mind for you.

If she can by any chance find it in her heart to forgive you - although you betrayed both her and your daughter (PIG!), then you need to completely discontinue all contact with this Lucy.... take out the temptation. Think about what you have done, I feel like crying for your wife!

Answer 4

I think when you are in a dying relationship, anything out of the realm will feel like fireworks. I think one need to be logic and realistic about this situation. Look as the key factors that are making you happy with Lucy. Is it because she just happen to be there when you needed her; Is it cause she is young and vibrant and such a new feeling to the burden that your wife has been making you feel. If you decided to leave your wife for her, arent there going to be other issues to over come, maybe with her parents not finding you to be a good suiter.

I think this is a moment to reevaluated your marriage and the relationship you have with Lucy. In the end, its whats going to be in the best interest of not only, but to your wife and child. An unhealthy relationship shouldnt be witness by the eyes of a growing child. Trust me, child always know, or best, feels when there are turmoils between mother and father.

However, which ever path you choice, there will be consequences and sacrifices.

When all else fails think about what would be best for your child for her fundamental upbringing. Staying isnt always wise, however, not trying to work at it and giving it your best try to seek that last hope..

Answer 5

If you fought all the time about stuff you didn't think you could change, the logical conclusion would have been that you were at an impasse and required the services of a professional mediator -- a marriage counselor, in other words.

However, rather than take the logical step, you decided to take the immoral step and cheat on your wife instead. You chose to compound the problems with your wife rather than work toward resolution.

Naturally, my advice is to attempt to undo the mistakes you have made. Cut Lucy loose, and get into counseling with your wife. However, that recommendation would assume a certain moral foundation for it to have any likelihood of being done. Since you apparently have no moral foundation, I think the only thing anyone here is going to tell you to do to which you are actually going to listen is, "Follow your heart."

Makes me sad for your wife!

Answer 6

I think you owe it to your wife to tell the truth about your affair.

And then I hope she considers a divorce because your wife and daughter deserves better than this.

And if you KNEW you could fix things with your wife- then why didn't you do that BEFORE your affair? Pretty much because you are selfish. Cheating is a purely selfish act.

A question for you- why do you think being with Lucy is "something better"? Esp when she knowingly cheats with you on your wife and cheats on her current boyfriend with you? It sounds like she is an immature little girl who doesn't understand how affairs can devastate families and destroy lives. That said- it sounds like you and Lucy deserve each other.

Answer 7

You have 2 different issues here. Can you be happy with your wife, who is appearently forgiving or at least willing to look the other way, or Lucy who will possibly cheat on you if you do get together.
My advice is to separate from your wife (not divorce) and stay away from Lucy completely until you know your own mind.

Answer 8

I don't care if it was just a kiss you cheated on your wofe I think you need to get a divorce and put a brain in your head becuase you can not just cheat on that person that washed your clothes cleans your house take care of your kids you fight that is what you are suppose to do dimwhit duh part off life I fight with my husband all the time that does not mean I am going to go out and kiss another and that lady she should have some shame she new you were married and once a cheater always a cheater she is with some guy and she is cheating on you with him when she is with him she is going to cheat on someone else with you. Go away

Answer 9

What makes you think that being with an 18 year old whore is better? You must not have any self respect and obviously aren't much of a REAL man. I'm figuring that "Lucy" is a hell of a lot smarter than you are and is using you for what she can get out of you otherwise she wouldn't be dating someone else. *snicker you're being bullshitted and you can't even see it because of your ego...

Answer 10

Oh please.... Start thinking with your integrity rather than your gonads. You may or may not be able to work things out with your wife. But take care of that situation first. Either do what it takes to make it work or end it with respect and integrity. Love isn't fireworks...love is a decision. Decide.

Once you decide what to do about your marriage with or without the other woman, then you will know how to start behaving like a real man.

Answer 11

You sound like you need to grow up a little. Get a divorce once a cheater always a cheater. Even if you stick it out you will end up cheating again. I feel sorry for your wife and daughter!