Will my boyfriend divorce his wife for me?

Question

I (23) met my bf (33) in Jan 07. We started seeing each other in June, and shortly after I moved into his house. He is currently seperated. His wife left him Oct 06 after starting a relationship with a man she met online.
My bf has told me that he loves me, wants to be with me, and eventually marry me. He got divorce papers 3 months ago and has done nothing with them. Whenever I ask about them, he goes silent and leaves the room.
He wont hear a bad word said about his wife because she is the mother of his 2 children (7 & 2) He uses that line a lot. And it really hurts, because we accidently fell pregnant and after several weeks of him saying everything would be ok, we would be a family one day, I had a termination at 15 weeks. When I agreed to it, I asked if he would start the divorce so we could start planning our future and he said yes. But it's been 3 weeks since and he has done nothing.
Do you think I'm an idiot? I cant help thinking He's never going to divorce her.

Answer 1

He's with you not her remember that. He's chosen to be with you and I'm glad he still respects the mother of his children. That's important for the children's sake. Divorces are very final and take some getting used to. It will happen eventually won't it. He's got the papers and ok so he might not have done anything with them but there's plenty of time for that.

You don't say what his reaction was at the news that you were pregnant. Not sure about that one to be honest. Married or not, divorced or not he has already committed himself to you by living with you so my advice would be not to push him. That bit of paper doesn't matter

Answer 2

I think its complicated , shes left him perhaps hes hoping its a blip , hes met you and has deep feelings for you , but marraige and two children are simply something that wont go away , and since she left him and not the other way round , its going to take a long time to accept the finality of it thats very difficult when you havent been married you dont realise until you are ,how things are nothing is straight forward , its very final for divorce , and he may well love you but removing those years of your life with your family whom you loved at the time doesnt happen over night , it not like they were together 2 years .
I think it would be hard for anyone to truely state whats going on , but i have found with people if there is an avoidance of a matter there is an issue , even if they say that there isnt., otherwise they would have acted , i believe actions speak louder than words...words are just empty sounds until they are backed up with firm action.....
On the other hand it depends what you want....i dont think your an idiot, i thin kyour hopeful and you may be in way too deep , but you have to weigh up what you really want , are you prepared to wait until he finally accepts that his marraige is over , and come to terms with it , or leave now while you still can and start a less complicated relationship.
Easy on paper not so easy in real life depending on your personality.

Answer 3

Babe, if you hadn't had that termination, I'd say to give him some time and he'd do it when the time is right.
Now, you've had a really hard time, so he had no choice but make up his mind and at least show more concern about you than about his wife.
True, she'll always be a part of his life, with children, it can't be otherwise.
He would seem that if he had a choice, he would have kept her despite her betrayal.
You have to stop being a door mat.
What he is doing is not right.
BECAUSE you had to go through that termination at 15 weeks, and obviously, he doesn't sound like he was there for you all the way.
So, you need to move out, because, you too, need to grieve properly and take some time to lick your wound.
You're too close to him at the moment for him to notice your pain and give you the TLC you need.
On the contrary, he is self pitying and you have to suffer in silence. Well, break the chain and take some ME TIME out, and if he truly wants you, he'll have to let go of the past.
Good luck.
xxx
I feel for you for having had to make such a difficult choice.xxx

Answer 4

At the risk of sounding patronising, I am afraid that by moving in with him, you are putting your future with him at risk. He has you where he wants you i.e. in the house but without any commitment. It was also very rushed and I wonder if it wasn't his way of getting back at his wife rather than enjoying your company. He obviously isn't ready for another marriage and children or he wouldn't have agreed to the termination. He shouldn't be rushed into a divorce he may not want either and you and his ex wifes boyfriends are potentially preventing this couple from getting their marriage back on track. This is one of the reasons I wouldn't date a man until he was divorced. I know you don't want to hear this, but the best advice I could give you is for you to move out just now, carry on dating him, give him time and ensure that he is divorced before you make any serious commitment to him. You are not an idiot but at 23 you wont have seen the ins and outs of this sort of thing before whereas a great many older people like me have seen it all before. I wish you luck and joy.

Answer 5

Your boyfriend is still not over his wife. Sorry, he may like you a lot, but the fact that he does not take action and sign the divorce papers shows that he does not want to accept the reality that his marriage is over.

You need to stop asking about the divorce papers and reduce the time you spend with him by about 75%. He'll get the message, by the space that you leave. Maybe then he'll come to his senses and realise what he is losing. He may not, though.

You need to take into account that this man has been through a tremendous amount of personal stress in the past year and re-marriage may not be the first thing on his mind right now, even if he says he wants to marry you.

Also, you had an abortion that you didn't want to have. Neither one of you are ready yet to start a family, but, still, that is really hurtful for you to have gone through that.

I hope it does work out for you and him, but, until he is over her, you are only going to get a part of him.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I wouldn't say that you're an idiot, just desperate. Many of us lose ourselves waiting on others. You've already placed yourself in a bad position. You were pregnant and had an abortion already. Do you think you can just meet people, get pregnant and have an abortion and this won't affect you in the future.

He's been talking to his wife on a regular basis if not seeing her. Her little situation probably didn't work out and he is probably wondering how to get rid of you.

You don't want wake up in a depressive state when you are too old to realize what you have allowed to happen over the years.

Don't let him use you. This is YOUR life. He's a married man.

By the way, I admit that I've been pretty idiotic myself. So don't feel like I'm judging you.

Take Care!

Answer 7

You are probably right---he may never get a divorce and marry you--it does not sound like he is moving in that direction. He cannot say a lot about his wife, because that may cause him to lose visitation rights with his kids--and....maybe he is having second thoughts about wanting to divorce. Out of the blue, a bf will go back with the ex---this might be on the horizon.

You are falling victim to the reasons why you should not wait on a married man---give it some more time, but move on soon--you probably are throwing your time away...you have suffered enough too.

Answer 8

Personally i dont think that you are an idiot or a rebound like everyone else keeps saying...I think that he has feelings for you but he also still has feelings for his wife. It's understandable...she left him so apparently the feelings were gone for her but maybe not him....It seems like hes standing in front of a hole in the ground and his wife is the part of land that hes standing on and you're standing on the other side. He's afraid to make the jump because he cant let go of the past. You need to just give it time and let things take the path that they want....I wouldn't rush things or he might get the idea that you want him to divorce his wife for other reasons.....just give him time to sort through his feelings....If it's right it will happen but rushing things will only put a longer delay on them....

Answer 9

O
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What did you think was going to happen???

I read the part about the abortion ( I feel dirty just typing that word) and I can't even type anything like "I told you so" to you....this whole situation sounds HORRIBLE!

Girl, in the future, do yourself a favor and THINK!!!! Even if this guy DOES divorce, he is not going to want to jump from one women to another.

Forget a future with this guy. Go find someone who is single.

Better yet, write off ALL men for a good while and seek some type of counseling for yourself. You need to sort out your own emotional mess as to why you allow married men to use you and ultimately convince you to terminate a pregnancy HE DIDN'T WANT!

Good Heavens!

Answer 10

I wouldn't say you are an idiot because I have been there. I dated a guy that was seperated from his wife for 10 months then out of the blue I call his house and lo and behold she has moved back in. My ex & his wife finally did split up for good 4 years later.

When I talk to him now about our relationship he tells me he was never truly over her and he still had feelings for her that is why he would not divorce her. That is just what happened to me, hopefully your situation is different.