Women.. isn't putting a man in the "friend zone" a very selfish thing?

Question

A lot of women will have several men that want to date them in their lives that they just string along for the attention, favors and ego boost.

Isn't it messed up to know someone has feelings for you and stay friends with them and give them hope that one day you will date them when you know you never will? They are wasting time they could be using to meet a woman that actually likes them.

Have you noticed that very few men do this to women? Men are not usually friends with women they don't like.

NOTE: If you make it clear that you have no interest and probably never will thats ok. But not when you say stuff like.."I don't know.. I'm not ready for a relationship now". You should say something like "I'm not attracted to you" or "your not my type." Then if they stick around, thats their own fault.

"Melfie" No.. these guys DON'T know nothing is going to happen.. thats the whole point. It needs to be made CLEAR that nothing will happen. Do you really want a friend who is only your friend because he wants to sleep with you? I think not.

"Baba Yaga" Why would you move on if you think something is going to happen?

"Rebirth" I used to think that way too, until it happened to me. Its not that easy when you have feelings for someone. You'll see.

"Lioness" I agree. But I can't see boosting my ego at someone elses expense. It makes me very uncomfortable to be friends with a girl who has a crush on me who I am not interested in. I just can't do it... it feels wrong.

"Lioness" Thats why the "friend zone" is a problem. No good comes from a relationship where both people have completely different expectations.

Answer 1

Here is the deal. Any woman who is somewhat attractive knows that the majority of her guy friends wouldn't turn her down if she one day dropped on their lap, regardless of what they say and who they are. We also know that some of them don't really want to be friends, they are only sticking around hoping to one day get some luvin'. I don't think it's nice or cool to lead anybody on about anything, especially if people's feelings are involved. This is why I make my boundaries very clear from day one without going back and forth. I don't necessarily say that I'm not attracted to the person (why mess up their ego?), but I give them a compliment and at the same time give them a general reason why nothing will ever happen. Now, interestingly enough, the majority of those men stick around. Some for a short time, others forever. I can't control that. I did my part when I clearly stated my intentions, if they think they are going to stick around for me to change my mind, then it's their issue, not mine. I tell them "good luck" in my mind. I rarely ask people for favors, but everybody likes attention and ego boosts, so why should I feel guilty? Besides, if they are the ones misleading me regarding their intentions and playing to go along with the "friendship for the sake of friendship," then they are the ones being dishonest, why should I feel bad?

And it takes two to tango. A grown man can't be somewhere he doesn't want to be.

EDIT: Actually, I think it deep inside irritates me when men stick around, hoping for me to change my mind. This means they have no respect for my wishes, thinking they can impose their wishes on me, so I think a level of bitterness gets involved when I sense that.

EDIT: The majority of my male friends are around because they are either intelligent or we have other interactions and things we can offer each other. I don't have time and frankly get annoyed to have dudes around for the sake of worshipping me. Not to sound cocky but if I need attention, I can just go to the supermarket and walk around and smile and get my attention. There have been situations where I cut people off because I thought they were getting hurt by seeing me witth someone else etc. but most of the time people keep those agendas/wants hidden too, which is not my problem. I think as long as I don't lead anybody on, it's their responsiblity to make a decision whether or not they want to stick around.

EDIT: Honesty, I get pissed off sometimes. I think I'm offering someone my friendship which is not to be taken lightly, while the person is just thinking with his penis and doesn't care about my friendship unless he gets to touch me--like my value is just reduced to a piece of meat. So I'm sure, I subconsciously may play out my anger probably in some form or shape in the relationship.

And again, I don't mean to sound cocky, but if I was to cut off every friend who has an attraction or romantic feelings for me, I would end up pretty friendless or I would just have to keep my married or gay friends around. Just because someone is attracted to me doesn't mean he's suffering either. Some attraction is needed for people when they interact, whether it's on a mental or physical level.

Answer 2

Wow, I really don't know what to make of this.
So with the male friends I've made here on Gws and elsewhere, really, I'm being selfish because I see both men and women as human beings and they(men) may think I'm stringing them along?
That's not the case at all. When I am chatting with a guy, it's out of friendship, there's nothing else going on in my mind and no ulterior motive. I'm not stringing them along or pushing them for compliments. If a guy does compliment me, I just take it as that, not as that he's actually interested in me and I don't string them along either. But I have been caught out when a guy who I just see as a friend turns around and starts taking an interest. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place because I make no secret of the fact I'm married but I don't wish to hurt anyone either and with guys, I can't tell half the time anyway whether they're serious or not. I do try to let them down gently.
Like I said, I'm just friendly with everyone, male or female.
Am I wrong to think so?
Lioness, I hear what you are saying. :)

Answer 3

Everyone here is pretending that we girls are all innocent. Bad people come in all shapes and sizes, and there are girls who enjoy getting the girlfriend treatment just for an ego stroke. Happened to my husband all the time. Girls would ask for favors, expect dinners and even stay over at his house, cuddling in his bed. When he'd ask about becoming a couple, they acted surprised and offended. After all, just because a girl sleeps against his ***** all night, struts around his place wearing his towel, asks him to get her dry cleaning and pick up her kids from school, asks for back rubs and money, doesn't mean she owes him a relationship.

When I came into the picture, these gals HATED me. Send him messages claiming I was "getting in the way of their special friendship". He no longer picked up their dogs from the groomers. He had the nerve to talk about how happy he was with his loving new girlfriend. He wouldn't let them sleep over out of respect for me. What a jerking, right?

Answer 4

Well, there's a lot of benefits to having friends, you can never have too many friends I think. So why sweat it if the girl can't make up her mind. She's not ready for a commitment. There's nothing wrong with that. Why do you think she is lying when she says she just isn't ready for a relationship now. That's a perfectly valid reason. If it drives you crazy or it hurts you to be "just friends" with her, then you have to consider your intentions too. If you don't want to be friends with her unless there's going to be a romantic relationship in the future, then maybe you shouldn't be friends at all. But why would she hang out with you at all if she didn't like you? It's probably exactly like she already stated, she isn't ready for a relationship right now. And I tend to disagree with your generalization- I actually think plenty of men string women along, too.

Answer 5

Hmm...I understand what you are saying, but I disagree. Women are not friends with guys like this just to boost their own ego...they are friends with them because the guy is a good friend. I don't think it's selfish to want to maintain a good friendship.

Also, I don't think women should necessarily always be obligated to assume that her guy friend wants to date her. Friendship is very important to women and maybe she assumes that her friendship is important to the guy as well, so why would she automatically know that he wants to be with her? It would be weird and awkward for her to just up and say "Hey dude just so you know I am never going to date you" out of the blue. She shouldn't have to assume that he wants to date her.

As far as when the guy actually comes out and asks...then yes, I agree that she should be honest. I have been vague in similar circumstances before and I feel bad about it. We don't want to hurt the guy but not hurting him NOW will mean he ends up being hurt more later. It's so difficult.

Answer 6

Best solution, unless there are clear and unambiguous signs of interest in the first or second meeting, treat her as you would under the assumption that she HAD said, "You have no chance with me."

If you do that, she's more likely (but still not likely) to take an interest in you, since you aren't chasing her like a puppy dog.

And in any case, you'll keep your dignity and save time and energy for better prospects.

EDIT

Women and men both need to take responsibility for letting their own wishful thinking cloud their perceptions.

If you're in the "friend zone", you're choosing to stay there.

Answer 7

Quite the opposite, in fact. By making the guy a friend, you show that you genuinely do enjoy his company, but not enough to go out with him. Faking attraction is even more hurtful than putting him into the friend zone. Any guy who sticks around just because he thinks she'll change her tune is out of his mind.

Answer 8

Yes, it's not a nice thing to do, for a man or a woman, to give the opposite sex false hopes. I think both women AND men love attention from the opposite sex. I do let the flirts know that I have a boyfriend, and let them know nothing's going to change that. If they want to still flirt or give me lame little gifts, it's their problem, not mine. And yeah, I've told them they are wasting their time.

Answer 9

If she forbids you from seeing anyone else and just wanted to be friends expecting you to be single until she comes around then yes she is selfish.
People who are that selfish will only drains the life out of you, because they are emotional vampires without consciences and super ego's.

Answer 10

If this is what both want then each individual benefits. Like I tell my children: boyfriends and girlfriends come and go but a friend will always be there for you.
I would say that it is more of an honour.