What do you think of my short text?

Question

-The glory of love-

Every morning I wake I think of her, this morning especially! Mystic thoughts keep going away making my life agony. I live in reality, where she is not mine, even though I wished so. Dire is my love, and so I think of it, hoping it to go.
Why do we fall in love, and make our lives misery. When being so, I think of it only, ignoring the others around me. Even though I know, that she is just another, I think of her only. What will happen to me, I dare not think of, honestly.
Betrayed I have a few that I care of, and because of that I curse on it. Still love is something dear to me, and I thank it for thee.
How I wished you were mine, then would I change? Behind the wall, would you see the one meant for thee? If not so, then I wouldn’t change, and would not give my heart to thee.
Either way, you will not be mine, for you are only imaginary!

By Mitic Alexander

Answer 1

I like it, but if I was writing it I will make a few changes.

1. Every morning I wake thinking of her
2. Would you see the one meant for you (as the entire text is more casual thee is not appropriate)
3. Instead of either way you can use, But I know

Good work though, keep it up

- Wannabe

Answer 2

Mitric, your short text shows promise. Consider going back through each sentence and cutting away the fat and the unnecessary. Pay particular attention to proper punctuation rules, and stick to one medium of expression--either modern English or biblical, but not both.

The most difficult job for a new writer is to cut away the unnecessary verbiage that is thought to add to the passion of the manuscript. Be ruthless in elimination and your text will be for the better.

Answer 3

NO NO NO ... As a CW teacher I am not buying it - not for one second.

Sorry - you are writing like you think an author should sound and not using your own voice. As a result it sounds silly and fake. Mystic thoughts? What is a mystic thought exactly? It is also terribly repetitive. You say the same thing over and over again. Who says falling in love makes your life misery? It honestly makes no sense to me whatsoever. This is what is called "purple prose" - pure rhetoric covered with a thick layer of honey mixed with maple syrup and topped off with a jar of cherries. It is meaningless.

I wold like to hear how YOU would tell me the same thing if you sat down and told it to me aloud. I wold bet my house it wouldn't sound like THAT. In one of my writing classes you would get this back with a note saying "in your own voice, please". This is what I call JKRowlingitis - young authors who are trying to write like they think famous authors should sound. It never works. Not even James Joyce would get away with writing like this. Not even Shakespeare.

Sit down and calmly write what you are trying to say as though you were talking to someone and telling them your story. THAT is how good writing works. This is beyond purple prose this is aubergine prose.
----
They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.

Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.

Pax - C

Answer 4

I had to read it again after seeing the ending, then it made more sense.

Answer 5

Is it supposed to be a poem? Becuase it reads like one if its not supposed to be.

It is a little, strange.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, but i thought that it was self indulgent, ill thought out tosh.

We have all, at one time or another, felt like that. Please, don't spew it out into the world.

For gods sake, "thee", really!

Answer 7

It is so special. The end is surprising too!
Good work.

Answer 8

kool ♥