way of responding to the problems with his ex and his children that I have even begun thinking of suicide as a way out. I know I won't do this, however it is a reoccurring thought. He never stands up to the children when they are acting out and telling me to shut up.....I never act like their parent and therefore I am being told to shut up over things like...what would you like for dinner....which usually means three different menus....I do it. His ex is always trying to break us up....he really rarely makes a stand....and now he is saying if I can't make friends with his children, who are the best things that ever happened to him....he doesn't know what he'll do. I feel that I am in an impossible situation because these kids are never going to want to be my friend with all of the basing going on in their custodial parents home......What should I do...should I keep trying for the sake of our marriage or leave.
2007-10-17 05:30:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Don't listen to the person who said he should put his kids before you...that's absurd. You and his children have different needs - if he can't balance the needs of his children and the needs of his wife, then he simply isn't very good husband material. Don't put up with his children treating you the way they do - establish rules and don't try to be their friend - they will never learn to respect you that way. It's hard to ask for advice regarding step famiy situations on this forum, a lot of people will answer you who have NO CLUE what is like to be in a step-family situation. My hubby and I have arguments because he doesn't like the way I handle certain situations with his daughter - i nicely tell him to go @#$% himself - and that if he really cares about his daughter, he will trust my judgement when it comes to her, that if he lets me lead her down the right path, she'll be a better person for it. One solid peice of advice I will give you is this - when you have an issues with his children - step back and think about it for a while - make sure your motives for wanting to complain to your hubby about it are genuine. I have found myself upset because I didn't like something my step-daughter did - but my reasons were stupid for not liking it, and I let it go. but if I feel my concerns are genuine, I take it to my hubby. It causes fights sometimes, but he knows I only come to him with things that really mean something to me - make sure your hubby knows that somethings are for the best interest of his children, and how guiding them properly will benefit him in the long run. IF he continues to be unreasonable when it comes to his children, you may want to consider leaving. Don't let him try to force you to allow his children to walk over you by implying he may leave you - honestly, you should pity the next person he would become involved with. If he continues to push you away for the benefit of his children, he may very well find himself alone - and that isn't your fault. In a nutshell - you need to work on your hubby - and no matter what your hubby thinks of it - when your step-children disrespect you - make them aware that they are crossing boundaries that aren't allowed to be crossed in YOUR home. Plain and simple.
2007-10-17 06:16:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
One thing that sort of popped out to me was that you don't make the rules. It's sort of optional just like what's for dinner.
In my house, MY kitchen is NOT a restraunt! This is what we are having for dinner and that is that. Don't like it? Go hungry. Sooner or later they will eat!
I will say it only once, very quietly and very controlled, "YOU do NOT have permission to address ME in such a disrespectful manner!" and then I will go out of my way to ignore the child until appropriate behavior is shown. I have a wonderful way of looking past a person as if they did not exist. It is moment to moment. The very instant appropriate behavior is displayed, I acknowledge the child. They do learn that if bad behavior does not get your attention and good behavior does, if they want your attention they act accordingly.
Misconception: You do NOT make friends with children. You are an adult. They are children. You treat them with respect, offer guideance, support them, protect them, but they are not your friends! They are your (step)children. I hate that word: step!
If your husband can't handle it then it is HIS problem. You take the control. Children are not supposed to be in the driver's seat!
If it really gets to you. Put down what ever you are holding, turn the oven/stove off and leave the house. Go to the mall, the library, a friend, whatever. Be gone! No time limit unless of course your husband is not present to supervise his children. Then I suggest just go outside and count blades of grass or roof shingles! When you can breathe without that tight feeling in your chest, go back. It is okay to take a break! Plaster a smile on your face and turn to the children.
I never said in any of this that it is easy! It is extremely difficult when you just want to yell back or even spank! Just remember, when you lose control... they gain it! Do you really think it is appropriate for a 10 year old to tell you what to do, regardless of what your husband thinks?
2007-10-17 06:41:20 · answer #2 · answered by peggy m 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE!!!! I was once in a relationship similar to this one and the bottom line, if you dont make YOU most important, who will? You dont need someone elses baggage and honestly this guy does not sound like he is willing to go to bat for you.
Think about it, if your mom or your sister were in this situation, what would you tell them to do? Be honest because answering that question, you are speaking from your head and not your heart.
Whats better, feeling this way and actually letting suicide cross your mind at all, or eliminating this unhealthy situation from your life altogether? When the thought of suicide is running through someones mind, you are not a happy camper right now- regardless of whether or not you would act on it. This is not how it has to be! Know that!
I have so been there and you are not alone!
2007-10-17 05:42:51 · answer #3 · answered by Jessie M 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
He is a loser so if you lose him as well, you are better off. First with children like this, you may have have to act like the parent to the children - and the husband. make one meal and if they don't like it, let them go without. Tell your husband it is not your job to discipline his children and you cant make friends with them if he doesn't lay down some rules and make them respect you as his wife. you might even tell the kids that you don't want to replace their mother but you would like to at least be a friend, and then leave so that the father and his children are left alone to think about that. If they are there for a weekend, pamper ourself at a hotel somewhere that you can relax, perhaps in a pool or steam room if they have that,
and treat yourself to a dinner that you don't have to cook.
He will either do something to make the kids treat you better, or if not, he only married you to have someone to help him raise his kids, and you are better off without him or them, and by getting a divorce you will find someone to love you without the baggage this man is bringing into the relationship.
2007-10-17 05:53:43 · answer #4 · answered by Al B 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i'm sorry to hear what you are going thru.
i know everyone is saying leave, but if you love this man you owe it to yourself and the marriage to at least try something new to see if it can be saved.
whatever you have been trying in ways to communicate with your husband ( and children for that matter) isn't working and you need to approach things in a manner or way.
if you and hubby can not have complete open communication then you don't have much of a marriage to save.
he must understand what you want, what u need, how you feel in diff. situations, and how his behaviour of not standing up for you is affecting you, and where you wanna go with your lives. you need to understand all of these things from his point of view as well.
take a new approach with the kids (how old are they u didnt say?)
they absolutely need to know that they can no longer walk all over you. they need to know you demand and deserve respect. if you want to only make one meal do it. they will be p.o.'d but that is only because they have had you wrapped around their fingers for some time and they like the control.
try some other waysto let them experience some control.
i'm not sure what u mean by hubby says to make friends with them. i am guessing he expects you to make them like you? or are you not trying
have a sit down with them one on one maybe and ask them what they would like you to do differently. tell them you want them to like you, and you cant force it, but you also cant be better to them if you dont know how
You are in-fact a step parent and therefore you do need to act like a parent and that can be done without trying to be or replace their birth mom, or taking over any roles that dad does.
being told to shut up is totally unacceptable. discuss with your husband what will he do if you explain that to them and they still continue. is he parent enuf to act like a parent? does he let them talk like that to him? Will he take action and discipline them?
would he be willing to see a marriage councellor
talk to him.
like i said, if he cant talkk with you and be a real man, then tell him you really dont see any other options, because you love yourself more than that and you deserve not to feel so stressed and even suicidal....and you cannot make a marriage work all by yourself.
i hope maybe some of these things help.
if you try any of these suggestions brace yourself for some hard to hear answers and truths
good luck to you
you really do deserve better
2007-10-17 06:34:25 · answer #5 · answered by tj 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dead does not solve any problem, it is a form of avoidance.
your man needs to understand and recall the reason why you 2 got married.. . . if he can't make a stand, then he will not even make any stand moving on.... the relationship is between the 2 of you, not about his ideal of you and his children being good....
he needs to be clear, else if I were you, I will choose to leave.
but, no harm try seek help from counselling, the 2 of you.
2007-10-17 05:46:04 · answer #6 · answered by lost man 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I were you I would leave. Your husband does not have any respect for you and neither will the children. Why deal with this heartache and they are not even your kids?? Move on you'll be alot happier
2007-10-17 05:51:40 · answer #7 · answered by FRECKLES 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think that this marriage is over . . . I agree that he should put his children before you but I completely disagree with him allowing them to disrespect you. One person can't create a relationship and he is doing nothing to encourage that relationship. Move on, find someone with no kids. This person is not the ONE for you!
2007-10-17 05:41:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Leave you are never going to be your step children's friemd you will always be that lady that took my dad away from my mom. I suggest you tell your husband what is going on at that he needs to get some pants put them on and let them kids know that you are his wife and they need to respect you and if not you do not need to be mistreated.
2007-10-17 05:44:02 · answer #9 · answered by Lost 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need to start over with the kids. Love them to death. Your husband will loose all the love he has for you if you keep treating them coldly. Do everything possible to keep the peace and harmony. Start going to church together. All the ex wants is for you two to break up. She is desperately waiting for that to happen. She is a devil--- ignore her. Don't let her win by loosing your family.
2007-10-17 05:42:26 · answer #10 · answered by Lucci 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋