I recently discovered that my wife has been having an affair with a work college. We tried to work things out but shortly after I found out that she would not stop seeing him and is now pregnant by him, I decided enough was enough and told my wife I wanted a divorce. As expected this other man wants nothing to do with the baby and has advised my wife to get an abortion. My wife now wants us to make our marriage work and raise the child together. The problem is I just cant do that. To me the pregnancy just represents all of the lies and pain that this whole affair has brought about. My wife now tells me that she would get an abortion to save our marriage but the viewpoint of her friends and family is that I should stand by my wife and raise the child together if I really love her. Now I feel so guilty for my decision but I just cant raise the child as my own knowing that I'll resent it for other peoples mistakes. Am I really the bad guy here for not standing by my wife?
2007-10-17 05:23:47 · 72 answers · asked by still ill 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
YOU are the one feeling guilty??? She betrayed you, got pregnant, left you, only to be left out in the cold and come back to use you for a SECOND time, and you're the one feeling guilty? She only came back to you because Plan A failed and you were her backup plan---and you feel guilty?
She chose to cheat. She chose to put your health at risk by exposing you to possible STDs, have a child. She chose to leave your marriage, instead of working things out. He chose to dump her. She came back to be taken care of and fall back on you. In reality, the other guy is the one in charge of everything that happened, then her, then you. You're the last decision maker in this situation and YOU feel guilty???
He and she have put themselves before you, why can't you give yourself permission to take care of yourself? You're only obligated to take care of yourself, not other people's mistakes. Standing by people who have betrayed you over and over again is not loyalty, it's stupidity.
Be strong, keep your self respect, give it some time and you'll be happy in a few years when you have moved on to a better life.
Good luck!
2007-10-17 05:37:25 · answer #1 · answered by Lioness 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are not really the bad guy but not necessarily the good guy either. There are many husbands raising a child by another man so a bigger question is whether you love your wife - aside from anything else, including the affair. Were she not pregnant and wanted to save the marriage, would you do that or continue with the divorce because you don't love her? What kind of husband were you before this all happened? If you were like many and did not pay enough attention to your wife, perhaps the affair was because of your lack of attention to her and something that he started and she needed the affection you were not giving her then.
you can stay together and raise this child if the child represents a time in your lives that was trying to you both, but that you survived, and the child then becomes a symbol of the strength of the marriage, and you can even get a bit of revenge on this guy by making him pay child support for the next 18 years as you raise a child I am sure that you would learn to love in time. To not try to make this work because of a matter of principle - the fact that she made a mistake - may be the right choice, but it may also be a way of losing a lot of happiness and love in the future.
My personal choice would be to raise the child just so that the other guy would know that I was a better man than he was, or at least I would know that even if he didn't.
2007-10-17 06:16:06 · answer #2 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I do not feel that abortion is the answer. To abort this child would be essentialy that... aborting a child. There a re many couples that want a child to love and this could be it. If you and your wife can work past the affair and if you cannot raise this child as your own--- adoption is always an option. None of this is the fault of an innocent child. You r wife needs to re-evaluate her feelings and her life... the fact that she is now willing to work on her marriage because the other man does not want anything to do with her tells me you are just the settlement which is not fair for you. You need to ask yourself if she really loves you and if her loyalties will ever lie totally with you and your marriage. Sounds to me like she is using you to fall back on and nobody deserves to be the fall guy. A separation to sort everything out and while she figures out weather to keep the baby (abortion or adoption) could be a good thing. What if she regrets aborting the child a year or two down the road and turn to you for blame? These are all questions that you should consider. Hopefully you are a Christian and can seek others to pray with you about this. I don't know your name but God does and I will pray for you, your wife and the unborn child.
2007-10-17 05:36:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your wife had made a "mistake", gotten caught, and made a change from what she was doing because she was really sorry and really loved you, I'd say you should stick by her, or at least try. However, she DIDN'T stop seeing him from what you're saying, and then ended up pregnant by this man. Now that she has NO OTHER OPTION, she wants to work things out and is willing to get an abortion? I'm not convinced that the only reason is that she's SCARED. She has no one to "support" her, so now she's running back to you because she knows your heart, and what you're all about.
My advice is do a thorough soul searching. The fact is, many people have been in this situation, and you'd be surprised at how easy you can accept that child as your own when you see those little eyes looking up at you for the first time. However, I agree that if this has injured your love for her to a degree that you cannot stand by her, you are COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED in walking away. I guess the questions are:
Can you ever trust her again? Do you love her enough to love her unconditionally and stay though your gut is wrenched inside? Can you ever live in peace and contentedness if you stay with her?
You shouldn't feel guilty if you decide to walk. The people saying these things are saying it because it's NOT them!
Only YOU know what you can and cannot live with. She made the decision to create this mess, now she has to stand up like a big girl and live with the ramnifications of her actions.
This is your life too, and YOU are YOUR responsibility.
There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself from the people that have proven they will not only hurt you and betray you, but do it on the deepest level.
Good luck to you. Go with what will be best for YOU.
She did her thing, now you have to do yours.
2007-10-17 05:36:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you are not the bad guy. To commit to raising another man's child would be a huge issue between you and your wife for the rest of your lives; and what about the poor child? this is no-one's business but yours. Your wife can't have her cake and eat it. This is a very hard decision for a woman to make, but why does she have to have an abortion?
Let the pregnancy continue; get talking now to social workers, and have tha baby fostered or adopted. Could that be a solution?
Or do you feel you could never forgive your wife anyway, that the affair would always lie between you? It takes a superhuman effort to put betrayal behind you, and you may not feel it would be worth it.
I know a case where this happened; the husband agreed to try and make the marraige work after his wife's affair; but she too was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby. He told her, much as you did, that he could not look at the child's face every day knowing it was fathered by another man. She agreed to give the baby up for adoption to save her marraige. They planned to tell relatives that the baby was stillborn. She gave her baby girl over just after delivery, and went home, totally heartbroken, lying in bed, weeping. the husband had second thoughts, and contacted the maternity hospital next day to ask if he could see the baby. This they allowed; to cut a long story short, he accepted the baby girl as his own and they are working hard at their marraige. the little girl is now 5, and the odd thing is, the bond between her and her "dad" is stronger than between any of their other kids.
I'm not saying that this could happen; I'm just saying there may be alternatives to disposing of a human life.
2007-10-17 06:47:48 · answer #5 · answered by marie m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not "the bad guy." This situation is, however, between you and your wife and no one else. Whatever you decide as a couple is best for your marriage and that poor baby will have to stand with family and friends. I don't think it's right for you to essentially force her to have an abortion if she wants that baby, though. Keeping the baby or not should be her decision, and if she wants it, it's not fair of you to give the ultimatum. Think about this. Is she willing to put your name on the birth certificate as the baby's legal father? Are you willing to get a paternity test done to make 100% sure that this baby is a result of the affair? What if that baby is really YOURS? How would you feel then? I really think that you need to close off your ears to outside opinions, and get you and your wife into couple's counseling. There's more than just a baby at stake here, and the baby is innocent in all of this.
2007-10-17 06:00:06 · answer #6 · answered by ♛Qu€€n♛J€§§¡¢a♛™ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off let me say that I am sorry for your troubles. That is a hard pill to swallow. It takes a certain kind of man to be able to raise a child that was created as the result of an affair. I myself don't know that it would be something that I could do. Number 1 she cheated!!! Number 2 she only came to you after the man that she was having the affair with didn't want her or the child. Do you think that she would have come back to you if he hadn't. There are many questions that you need to ask yourself before making a life changing decisions. If you can't get past the cheating, then don't try to. It would make things even worse, people make mistakes. We are all human. But you shouldn't have to live with her mistakes either. Don't know if this helped at all but I truly wish you the best of luck!
2007-10-17 05:43:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was your wife standing by you and respecting you and your marriage vows when she went out, had an affair and then got pregnant? Don't feel guilty for something she got herself into. Sometimes you've got to live with consequences when you CHOOSE to do the wrong thing. If she doesn't want to be a mommy she can always put the baby up for adoption. There are so many couples out there that would LOVE to have a new baby and it is a much better option than abortion.
2007-10-17 06:33:32 · answer #8 · answered by lahockeyg 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell your wife that she needs to decide what she wants to do regarding the child without your influence. If she wants to keep the baby then she will always regret having an abortion. That alone would affect your relationship if she has an abortion to "save the marriage".
Your marriage could already be over, but it's up to you to decide that. If you want to go to counseling, then you should. But if you believe it is too damaged, then you should cut your losses.
Don't feel guilty for not wanting to raise some other man's child. You are right when you say it will be a constant reminder of the betrayls and lies. It's horrible that you are in this situation.
2007-10-17 06:00:03 · answer #9 · answered by blue eyes 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No way are you a bad person...i would not raise the child of another man if that child was the result of an affair...your wife just found out that the grass is not always greener on the other side and now wants to give your marriage another go because she knows it is either that or be alone...see if this as a guy we were talking about we would all be saying he has run home with his tail between his legs...the child would only be a reminder of her cheating...any arguements in the future and you can point to the child and use him/her as the focal pint of the arguement...i am sure you don't want to have to do that but it would happen...your wife would sooner or later get tired of being reminded of her cheating...yes it would be hard for her to terminate HER child but she is the one who made the mistake of cheating and allowing herself to get pregnant...yes allowing herself to get pregnant so if she wants to make a go of the marriage she has to respect how you feel...as for family and friends ignore them...they are not the ones dealing with this...i doubt many of the men in the circle of family and friends would accept their wifes affair and resulting child from the affair...real easy for people to say it's a sin and crap like that but unless you are faced with something so great you have no right to condemn what you feel...good luck whatever happens
2007-10-17 05:40:14 · answer #10 · answered by hanz2602 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are using good judgment when you say you cannot raise this child. It would be so much worse if you accepted it and then the three of you had a miserable life because you were pressured into something you did not want to do. Your wife needs to grow up and accept responsibility for the bad decisions she has made. The decision about a abortion is hers to make and has nothing to do with you do not let her make it your decision so she can have you to blame for the out come. You should not feel guilty for removing yourself from this mess you did not make it go on with the life you deserve and let the others that made the mess decide how they want to clean it up.
2007-10-17 05:36:11 · answer #11 · answered by puzzled 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋