Daughter going down a distructive path... any help i can get please!?

Question

I'm a desperate mom of a 15 year old girl. She has been skipping school recently, and i actually blame this one on the school. The school she attends is no good at all, and they judge her for everything she does. I know this because i get phone calls constantly from them trying to get me angry with her in some stupid way or another. Today for instance she had got assigned an ISS for having her midrift show as her shirt slid up as she was walking up the stairs. She also hasn't been eating lately, she thinks she's "chubby". She weighs 105 pounds, that's underweight! We can't get her to eat anything except for dinner. She also came to me day before yesterday and opened up to me about how she has been sleeping with her current boyfriend of 3 years. I know they have been together for quite some time, but that's no excuse. She also has recently told me she is a bisexual. I'm just confused as to where i'm going wrong here. What can i do, what should i do?

Her father had walked out on us when she was 3 years old. He got put in prison and just got out about 4 years ago. They had been calling eachother and talking and what not, untill she asked him if he could get her a pair of shoes. He now refuses to talk to her over it. He is one of the most dead beats i have seen in my life, could this be half her problem? She tells me alot how she is so angry with him and doesn't want anything to do with him.

Answer 1

Awww... those wonderful teen years. Mom, when you get a call from the school, take a closer look at what the school is reporting instead of chalking it up to another thing the school's criticizing your daughter for. Whether or not the school has too strict dress code rules for your liking, they still have to be obeyed.

A lot of teens experiment with a lot more than teens did in the past. The environment now invites teens to spread their wings and "fly" where it was not quite that way. Parents hands are tied which brings on a lot of this "experimentation".

Become an intricate part of your daughter's life so you can get to KNOW your daughter and guide her more closely.

Answer 2

About the deadbeat dad, yes, that can well be possibly half the problem. Children who grew up without a mother or father (especially girls without a dad) are much more prone to have social, emotional problems, get into trouble constantly, and are likely to be victims of abuse, or be self-destructive, or seek out intimacy that she never expeirienced (this is one of the causes of premarital sex or promiscuity) with someone else.

While I do agree fully sometimes, alot of times, that whenever the school speaks against your child to not always jump to the conclusion in that it must be your child's fault but to first get the big picture and the whole story of really who is being unreasonably at fault. In your case, that might be too far on your behalf. Lots of schools have dress codes, and they have to be consistent in enforcing them(I don't like to say it, but that's just how it is-I support freedom of expression that people should dress however they please). It's unreasonable such as if she's wearing a normal non-low cut T-shirt and they freak out at the first sight of any bit of skin just because she was walking upstairs. People overreact. This is entirely different than if it she was wearing a obvious midriff baring shirt. See? You need the full story before judging who's right and who's being wrong. That would just be you needing to be a little more strict, or appealing to her why she needs to dress accordingly to school policy even if you don't mind.

If it be a different story, such as saying your daughter has an emotional problem or she's failing without extensive reason as to why, you do want to look into that further and not always assume the schools are right. Choose your battles wisely. If they're just going through with a reasonable policy, there's nothing wrong. If they're not being reasonable or get all judgemental on your child, you do want to inquire further.

Your daughter may be coming down with an eating disorder if she refuses to eat and sees herself as fat even if she's not. Don't worry about it, lots of teens have eating disorders and negative image. Seek medical help, support programs, or counseling therapy (psychological/behavioral/cognitive) for her if you can't first convince her to see and love herself as is. The teenage years is also about self-identity. If she's comfortable to come out to you that she's bisexual, then as a loving parent you would just have to be understanding and love her still regardless. It's okay to feel shocked, confused, or wondering if you didn't bring her up right, or disappointed, or angry, but it's not the best approach. Thousands of parents feel the same way.

As for her skipping school, lots of people do it. But it is a problem if it becomes habitual. You need better discipline and enforcement. But as a parent, there's so much you can do. Ground her, take away her privileges, so forth. Seek counseling/support programs or administrative action at the most. It's not like you can follow her through the school day-though mortifying enough to the unsuspecting ditcher, some schools actually DO that, making a parent stay with the child all day. You shouldn't blame the school for this either, but confront the problem to her as need be whenever you hear from the school that she didn't show up.

Be thankful. At least she's not shooting up drugs, or binge drinking, or acting suicidal to go along with it, right?...

Answer 3

wow, I"m 15 years old, so I'm going to try and give u what may be her point of view. First off, it's amazing that ur daughter is that openly honest to you. I cant really talk to my mom about things like that, so u are at an advantage. She may feel under-appreciated somehow. About the boyfriend--she may really like him, and he probably influences her, and he might be saying something to her about her weight and looks. She's very insecure if she thinks she is chubby, and she's really not, so i would compliment her every day on her looks--tell her she's pretty, that she looks great in an outfit--it'll help, trust me. I used to be so insecure myself, and it worked for me. Talk to her about what she wants for the future, and ask her what problems are at school that make her want to skip. Maybe bullying? Talk to her about her eating habits, and ask her why she might think that she needs to lose weight. When she sees that you care, she'll probably start getting better. Make sure u don't pry too deep at once, though. I know i hate it when my mom asks me too many questions at once. Hope this works out for you!

Answer 4

This sounds so much like me when I was her age. She's skipping school, not eating like she should be,and having sex? So there's many thing that you could do. For example,if you really wanted, you could enroll her in PINS (people in need of supervision). My parents did that to me, it only made matters worst. But this is what I think you should do: talk to her,or get someone who has been in her same position to talk to her about what she's doing. That worked for me. If you really don't want to do that,maybe counseling? Just be strong Mom, and know that many parents have went through the same thing that you're going through right now. But I'd just like to warn you,make sure that she knows that you love her, but just do not support the choices that she's making.

Answer 5

Well, being bisexual isn't a sin. But skipping school is not the school's fault, I don't care what you think about it, she needs to go, it's for her own good. As for having sex when she's 15, that's GOT TO STOP! You need to make sure that the boyfriend comes over to the house when you are home and can monitor them, don't let them be alone, adn they won't have sex, problem solved.

Answer 6

It's a miracle she is that open with you. Make sure she's on birth control, change her school and get her into counseling if she continues to not eat, that can be a very dangerous thing! Bulimia/anorexia is very hard to deal with once you have started on the path. Good luck, I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Answer 7

Run to Barnes and Noble and buy Reviving Ophelia. Read it!

Go look in the mirror, you're looking at the answer and probably the problem.

Get help from a child psychologist. In particular the weight thing is something you have to keep a close eye on. She has self esteem issues, they manifest themselves in different ways.

She's in a dive and it isn't going to be cheap or easy to pull her out of it.

Answer 8

You may be in over your head with this matter. It sounds like you need some form of intervention with her. Think of ways to try and communicate your concerns with her. Education can be a very valuable tool. If you think this is not a good idea then maybe you should try to find some kind of professional counseling services.

Answer 9

honestly, trying being a little more strict with her, and get professsional help. also the more you try to stop her, the more shell keep doing it. its good that she trusts you but she shouldnt be doing all that in the 1st place. and also, ALL schools have a dress code that you ahve to follow. she know what is breaking the rules. my high school had a very strict policy, and EVERYONE knows how there school works. but if her school really is that bad, transfer her to another school. also its hard to be tough on her, but you jsut have to be. my parents were so strict with me, but im glad they were. so try setting firm rules, and tell her that things shes doing are wrong and that they have to change.

Answer 10

You did not do anything wrong first of all and secondly try chaging her schools. try keeping her out of a private school those are the worst for judgement and try talking to her and tell her how you feel and let her tell you how she feels and try talking it out. Good luck.