Dark poems.. give your input?

Question

Screaming in the dark and scared out her mind
her soul is out of body and hovering behind
the dreadful pain that is foreseen
will be her demise at only eighteen
tied to a table and squirming to get free
shivering cold from an intolerable degree
as the mask man walks in with knife
she begs god one last time for eternal life
he slices her flesh and the blood starts to flow
by her hair he pulls her head back and wont let go
he moves in closer to smell her fear
tells her that her last breath is very near
her milky white neck is sliced with ease
the blood starts to gush as she begins to wheeze
her spirt leaves the body and upwards it soars
she’s finally entering those heavenly doors

As I walk alone one step at a time
I know I’m about to enter the dreadful scene of a crime
From a distance I hear the blood curdling scream
I try to snap out of my lucid daydream
I hear the awful sounds of someone being tortured
knowing that the women I hear is now being butchered
I put one foot in front of the other
Hearing ripping and gushing one after another
As I walk up to the door to peer inside
My heart races as if I’m committing suicide
I ease my fear and walk threw the door
I look at the man and the gushing body on the floor
As my heart drops I start to fade away
I tremble at the horrific evil display
I take a good look at the disembodied girl
The shock enters me like a supernatural swirl
The women on the floor is me
I can finally see the light
My soul is free

Answer 1

Freckles, Wow! You really did it? You wrote this? that's freaking awesome. I love dark poetry. I want to be able to write things like this. What inspired you to write this? Please teach me!? I'm going to star this because your awesome and so is your poetry, especailly this one, you have a God given talent and your using it to a great extent. Forget what the guy above said, it's not morbid nor gross, its wickedly sweet!

Answer 2

Nice one freckles. My truly honest answer is (I'm no classically trained poet, mine comes straight from the heart (well it would do if I had one), so I'm perhaps not the best one to comment on technicalities): it works considerably better in some places than others. The metre at times seems to get lost (perhaps my weakest element; I have my own natural feel and rhythm (which might not be as accepted by academics) and, at various sections, it didn't quite gel with me). Liked the rhyming of tortured and butchered; gets the blood flowing (again, it would if I had any) and imaginative juices asquirting. All in all, a good effort, you have something there so keep at it; that said, it's never going to be generally understood or everyone's cup of tea. Oh, you misspelt through (threw?).
I've never written such an epic (one day perhaps); mine tend to be more in the way of ditties (there's one on the go as we speak; have a gander, but be quick; closing soon).

Answer 3

Well, there is some interesting rhyme scheme and the word choice is amazing. But the style still pleads a more innovative form.
I thought the second poem (the Addition) was a continuation of the first. Then I realized that the first one is one endless yarn with no fullstops while the first lines of the second begin with capital letters.

Take this kindly as genuine personal comment.

Poetic expression should not merely employ rhyme as an end in itself unless one is composing lyrical carols or lullabies. The rhyme, in my opinion, should not be merely ornamental but enhance or contribute to the overall meaning. Poetry, after all, is just but one form of conveying a message. For example, the actual meaning of these lines is rather quite elusive:

he moves in closer to smell her fear
tells her that her last breath is very near
her milky white neck is sliced with ease
the blood starts to gush as she begins to wheeze

"milky white neck". . . . "begins to wheeze"
Minus punctuation, it is as if the poet is trying to shoe a running horse with the reader in hot pursuit!!

One is rudely and crudely reminded of the relevance of Samuel Crothers' sarcastic comment:

"A prose writer gets tired of writing prose, and wants to be a poet. So he begins every line with a capital letter, and keeps on writing prose."

Good luck

Answer 4

Wow! U r really good! I can say I love dark poetry. I will star it, and whenever I look at it I will see the work of a true poet. U should try making poems that don't include events, too. I think u would do great. A song names fear or something like that. Wonderful.

Answer 5

Always a shame when someone turns art into a circus sideshow.

Answer 6

I loved it I give u a 10. GOD BLESS

Answer 7

Dark is one thing
Morbid is another
This is gross and disgusting, and totally socially unacceptable.

Answer 8

great job! Those are really good!!!

Answer 9

these are great.i was really scared!!!!