Is this a good reason for not getting married?

Question

My boyfriend and I have talked a little about marriage. He says that he doesnt want to get married because his grandfather, father and brother have been divorced. Also that everyone that he knows that has been married their new wife acts like they own the man and he doesnt want to be trapped like that. I told him that was the most BS reason that I have ever heard.

From my side why would I want to stay with someone that is never going to want to marry me? Never move forward in our relationship just stay idle. Granted I love him very much and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him but I feel like he just isnt willing to fully commit himself to me.

Answer 1

He is scared of commitment. Everybody knows people who are divorced - thats not a good reason to not want to get married. Doesn't he know any happily married couples at all?
You have to question his love for you because you seem to love him & be willing to commit to him for the rest of your life but he doesn't seem to feel the same way about you.
There are many good reasons to get married and it is important too if you want to have children in the future and create a stable loving environment for them.
Talk to him again and explain how you feel about it. Maybe he just doesn't realize that marriage is important to you.

Answer 2

First, ask yourself these questions: What does marriage mean to you? Why is it important for you to marry this guy?

Then, talk to him. If he's worried about divorce, he may actually be worried about abandonment. His family has a track record for being unable to make marriage work, maybe he feels it's a bad luck charm and doesn't want to ruin the relationship. He mentions the women act controlling, does he feel you'll change when you marry? Or do you control him now, but he has the out of dating?

My father is twice divorced. When he started dating his current girlfriend (also once divorced), he told her he would NEVER marry again. Having been through the pain and heartache and financial burden of divorce, he didn't feel it was necessary anymore. He felt he could love more freely if he wasn't worried about losing half his assets one day. She understood (after a loooooong discussion). They have been together for 13 years (people even casually refer to her as his wife).

My husband and I are children of divorce. When we started dating, we decided to tackle the issues that usually bring on divorce. Different ideas of money, having and raising kids, religious preference........ even how laundry is sorted. We started the comfortable dialogue early enough that we felt we had a handle on the relationship. We asked ourselves why marriage was important. We had different ideas of what married couples did and what marriage was. We had to reconcile those before a serious discussion of if and when to marry.

And one last question: how do you two annoy each other? My mother had some sage advice for me when I started dating my husband- Whatever annoys you now, will be the reason you divorce later. And after a year of dating and being open and honest with what annoyed us and what wasn't really an issue as much as a hot button we had grown up with (religious intolerance vs. turning socks inside out before washing them kind of things), we were able to let some things ride and work towards change of other things without feeling the other was being bossy.

Seriously, you need to talk to him. No relationship is idle, even if you don't walk the aisle. But you need to talk to him and really, trully see the issue from his side.

Answer 3

i think its not really valid but remeber that he is a man and it is important to him so you need to respect that.

Im not sure what all is happening with you guys but if he doesnt even know you enough to think you will try to treat him like a dog on a leash then somethings not entirely right and you guys should try working on those trust issues.

i have a freind whose parent had a really bad relationship and now she also says she doesnt want to get married cos she might end up like them. It is a real fear and you need to support and help him through it.

It you think he is just using these excuses as a cover for something else you should try to get to the real reason. Also if he doesnt try to constructively move forward and at least ty to resolve the issues then maybe it may be best not to get stuck in a relationshaip thats going nowhere, but give him a chance first at least. Im guessing hez probably just scared that getting married will be hard (which it is) and then he will end up losing or resenting you. Remember that this is also out of love, maybe a bit misguided but nonetheless out of concern for the relationship.

its either that or hez just not at the same point as you in the relationship and is trying to use excuses so that he doesnt have to tell u that he doesnt yet quite want to marry you.

Im sure your intuition will tell you if thats true.

Answer 4

He is right, if a family has track record of divorces, then he is most likely to get divorced as well. So his reason is not entirely BS. But not getting married doesn't solve his psychological problem. It just makes it easier for him to not work hard on the relationship and more convenient to break up anytime.
It seems to me that he is not ready. What do you think? Are you willing to wait around until he is ready or do you think you might have a shot at marriage with someone better eventually?

Answer 5

You're not looking at it from his side. All he has seen is failed marriages and he doesn't want to put YOU or himself through that.
And what are you talking about the relationship not moving forward? What do think happens after you marry? There is no more moving forward, so is that being "idle"?
I think he is fully committed but he's scared. If you don't love him enough to work it out with him and help him to see how things can be then leave now.

By the way, I know lots of women that do TRY to control their husbands. So that fear is real also.

Answer 6

When you get married it's a big step for a man or a women.Some men and women have the same things go on in there life too.He maybe thinking the same thing will happen to his marriage too.Thing is men try to run the wife after getting married too.And he maybe getting a little help from his family telling him the same thing will happen to him if he gets married.All I can tell you is to help him understand that your not going to run his life like he thinks you will.But to understand his feeling put your self in his place think how you would feel if this happened to you.But if your just wanting to marry him for money then your not going to understand were he is coming from.Some men try to run the wife and some wifes try to run the man,I know that part well,do things to show him your not going to be that wife.

Answer 7

if he really wanted to marry you he would have done ANYTHING to do it.
It seems like the lamest excuse ever. Maybe he is just in doubt so it is your job to convince him that you are the perfect life partner and that no other woman will make him happier. can you do this?
start tonight by preparing a nice dinner for him: all men want a wife that cooks and takes care of hi
Also be extreemly sexy and surprise him because if he is going to spend the rest of his life with someone she better not be boring
Next be easy going no one want a person who constantly creates problems. Let him know that you don't ask for too much and that you can do things his way.
I am sure that if he loves you he'll propose
don't panik, there is no man on earth that is not afraid of commitment

Answer 8

Your boyfriend is a separate man from his grandfather and all other men whose marriage ended in divorce. My ex boyfriend thought the same way, though he was the one who wanted to get married, he also believed that I would try to control him or something like that because he sees other men who do everything for their woman. I don't think it means a guy is being trapped but rather, that is just how people so in love are. It is the same for women, we do everything, only men find it perhaps emasculating to do the same. I wouldn't stay in a relationship for which i know holds no future for me. If he loves you, none of those reasons would matter and he would trust you not to treat him like you own him. Marriage is a partnership, not ownership. I hope you work things out =)

Answer 9

If you two are happy the way it is, although it sounds like you are not, then why change anything. If you are not happy and think that marriage is a must and he does not you might be with the wrong man.

I am married for the second time (first was practice?) and I think that we were doing better before the marriage and that without that license/leash, expectations of each other are different. It seems to me everyone changes with that paper and life would be simpler without it also.

Answer 10

Or, you could be thankful that you've found someone you get along with so well and be happy with that. He's scared. Divorce is like a plague in his family. As long as he isn't dating around and running personal ads behind your back, if he's true to you, why not love him? Yeah, you want the relationship to "move forward", but once you are married, where will it move from there? Sometimes you're good right where you are. I'd say, if you have a good thing with this guy, let it be. It's hard to find a good match.

Answer 11

For the fact that he says he doesn't want to get married, then that means that he isn't willing to commit at all. You need to move on with your life and that will be without him. I've also seen happen that a woman will stay in a relationship with a man that does not want to get married and when years have gone by he will turn around and leave her and marry someone else. Don't let that happen to you.