Marriage going down hill and we have a new baby...?

Question

I posted yesterday, but didn't realize the question would close if I picked a best answer.Oops. My husb. & I have been together since 1992. He was diagnosed bipolar in 2004 and had percocet & coke addiction. We separated & got back together in the end of '05. He has been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideations ('05 and '06). During his coke stint in '05, he also got close to a female coworker who he used it with. On 10/8, I found email in his yahoo acct to a girl and it mentioned $200 if she did coke. He denies writing the email and denies ever meeting the girl. I wrote to her & she said he paid her for a bj around 4/07(I was preg. then) of this year at a hotel in the area. He denies this, too. We have our 1st marriage counseling appt today. I REALLY would like the marriage to work and he says he does, too. I just don't know if he can change. Logic says I should leave.Love says try to work it out. I'm very upset and he STILL denies any affair EVER. He told me to prove he did it

My only proof is her email. But she said she does this regularly and only vaguely remembers him. But, she did give me the name of the hotel. He got sooo angry that I implied he was a "John" when I talked to him about it. I have spyware on our computer now, but he's not using the computer. I gave him a drug test and he passed. I just don't know what to do. He also said he wants us to be happy and that he is going to keep secrets from me and we will move forward with each other and our son.

I really hope the counseling can help. My emotions are torn because marriage is for better or for worse and we took vows. I also want my son to have his dad. They are so good together and my husband really loves him a lot. He's only 3 months old. But, my heart is so sad. I also know how important it is for a child to have a dad. Mine wasn't around and I don't want the same for my son.
This is very hard, right now. AND, I don't want to tell our families about this.

Are there any thoughts on some things I should bring up with the counselor this afternoon? My husband said he has nothing to say and he doesn't want me to talk to him, again, about this yahoo email to the girl. In his email on 10/8, he wrote that he had picked her up before and that this time, he'd give her $200 if she did coke. She emailed me and said he gave her $80 or $100 for the bj before. Everything seems really out of control.

It's possible I'm afraid of the finality of what a separation could bring. I really don't want anyone in our families to know about this. They all pry and I can't handle their comments.
Oddly, this is not like me. I'm generally a very strong-willed, tough cookie who deals with anything that comes my way. It's just a lot harder knowing I have our son and that I do love this man.

If anyone is interested in chatting about this further, please email me at [e-mail]. I'm open to talking because I realize I may not be the most rational person, right now. I welcome insight and guidance based on experience and wisdom. Thanks.

Answer 1

I see some real trust issues here. You can not trust this man. you have to ask yourself can you live with this mistrust going forward and can you forgive his past record. If the answer is no then you should break ties with this man. it will hurt in the short term...but you and your child will be better off in the long run. good luck with marriage counseling... watch your husband carefully and see if he is really trying to change... if no change... then you will know what to do.

best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 2

If he is getting annoyed when you bring the subject of the email and this girl up that strongly implies he has something to hide and therefore he is going on the defensive.
If you want to give it one more go, if he is willing to stay faithful and make a concerted effort in your relationship, then this may have been the shock to kick him back into action. But in this case you may have to accept that you may never find out about what went on and draw a line underneath it. Or you could tell him you are willing to give it one more go and start afresh, so if he comes clean now you can deal with it, but if it comes up in the future he lied to you then it will be over. If you threaten him with leaving or give him an ultimatum then you need to stick to it. If you keep changing your mind then it's giving him an open invitation to walk all over you.
Where your baby is concerned, if he is a good father, he will still be if you are not together. Children can pick up on moods and bad memories can be etched into their memory. So sticking with it if you are still unhappy and things don't get resolved will not be beneficial for him.
If your husband does not make an effort to sort out the relationship, even if it puts him out or inconveniences him, then his feelings are clear and even though it will be hard to take you will only drag yourself down if you stay.

Good luck

Answer 3

I am a firm believer in "u have to be in that persons shoe in order to to understand" im not here to judge you....or anyone....but my opinion is as follows.....u seem to be young and with a whole life ahead of u.......make sure this is the man u want to be with and raise your child with......counseling seems to work for some that are actually open to it.....but for others it makes no difference.....i understand u love him and u want to make it work for the baby.....but why bring up a baby in a household where there is drugs involved and parents argueing and so forth......try counseling and give it one more shot but if u see no change than i think its time to move on before its too late and regrets.....your happiness is most important.....and one more thing who cares about the opinions of the family its your life and your living in it so do whats best for u!

Answer 4

It is good that you are going to counseling. All is not lost if you can both be honest and try to heal your marriage.
Your husband is an addict and not in control of himself. He has to want to change to get the help he needs.
Work with your counselor to set limits for yourself and your child. If safety is not an issue, you can be supportive of his recovery while working to rebuild trust.
Whether you stay together or not, you will still have to deal with him because of your child.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

I answered your question yesterday, too.

I sure would like to see you do what is best for YOURSELF... and not him ... you and your child should come first.

I have a feeling that you might look into codependency (do a yahoo search). You might be displaying codependent behaviors when it comes to the husband. You're the only person who can figure this out.

If it were me, i would separate until i see what he does with his life. You can not live in an uproar forever, and it seems to me, you've lived in one for too long, hon.

take care of you first.

Answer 6

I believe that you need to separate until you feel that he is trustworthy. This is not a safe or healthy enviorment for your son or yourself. Take you baby and go stay with some relatives until you can trust him again.

Snooping will tear you apart. You need to take care of you and the baby. He is not your responsibility. Please understand that you cannot control or change anyone.

Go to counseling and take care of yourself and the baby. With a lot of work on both of your parts, you can work this out.

Good Luck and go do something nice for yourself.

Answer 7

Stop trying to own his mistakes. Let me ask you this, Do you really need PROOF? I believe you know the answer. Instead of waiting to prove your suspicions, turn the tables around and tell him he needs to work on himself by admitting his own mistakes. You are valuable. Ask the counselor what the signs of post-partum depression are. Even if you are going through that, it is no excuse for him to act this way. He needs to prove to you that he wants to change and the consequences of his disease (addiction) is losing his family. By doing nothing you are enabling him to continue using. Also ask yourself, are you able to forgive him for his sins in the past?

Answer 8

Be the one to give yourself the love you deserve,i know it is hard to leave someone that you thought would be forever but for your mental health and the baby's to row your own boat now will be hard at first but not as hard as the tides you'll struggle against with someone that is not available or present.
There are lots of places you can go for assistance and help but please think of yourself and the baby first.
With lots of love and light i hope you give yourself the strength you need don't waste your energy increase it.

Answer 9

Honestly? I wouldnt want my baby to bought up in that environment. He cant help his bipolar and for that illness I feel very sorry for him. But, for the rest of the drug habbit and suspisions of him playing around, maybe you and your baby will have a far better life without all that... good luck

Answer 10

Honestly, I want you to close your eyes and think about what your life would be like with him in your past. You wouldn't have those worries... that panic in your heart when you are trying to go to sleep. You seriously would be better off alone than with a guy with a drug addiction. Think about your child, and your future.... leave this guy to his addictions and his prostitution habit