i messed up, wife distrusts and hates me, i still madly in love...what is best?

Question

Not only did I hide a $5000 debt I rang up (paid for a family vacation) I also was searching on the internet often for someone from my past I needed to get answers from. (my wife discovered websites, I was searching for him in men 4 men sites). I lied to cover this, was too ashamed and proud to tell her about what happened to me in past (searching for molester). Married 12 years when this happened, 4 kids, great life until then. 1.5 years later, we are existing in same house, separate lives and rooms. She hates me I feel, has told me she is confused and does not trust, nor ever will, trust me. Needs her space, leave her alone, etc. I am madly in love with my wife still. she refuses counseling. She refuses to talk or discuss this anymore. I have pushed, been not nice about it, I know I've been wrong, but I want to fix this. I don't believe in divorce (except for safety reasons)
What should I do? I am miserable, my kids are hurting, I'm lost. How can someone NOT love their spouse?

I am tempted to just give in and move out, but I hate the idea of doing that to my kids, and my family. I dont' want to leave. I dont' want to be separated. I dont' want to be unhappy and miserable anymore. I want my marriage to work, my wife and kids are most important in my life ever. I cant imagine living with out her, but I cant imagine living the rest of my life this way. sad all the time, no interest in anything, falling into deep depression. What can I do to help fix my wrongs? Prayer does not help. I've gone to several counselors on my own, it takes two though for a marriage, and both have to want it. I'm so lost...

to clarify- I WOULD never hurt (physcially) my wife or kids. Divorce is okay only if the safety of anyone in the family is threatened, whether wife, husband or child. I could never hurt my family, I can only protect them

Answer 1

First of all, you need to do something for the kids sake! Don't put them through this! Either stay together or seperate! She feels hurt and neglected that you couldn't come to her about the truth in the first place. And then she confronts you about what she finds and you lied again!! You dug yourself into a huuuuuge hole. It will be hard to regain what you once had. And if her love for you is completely gone, it may never come back again. I really don't know how you could show her how you really feel. Once a woman is lied to, it is very very hard for her to regain trust. And if she ever did want to work things out with you, it would probably be very hard for her to be trusting of you for a very long time. You should have just been completely honest with her in the beginning. According to what you said, it seems like nothing could have been worse than what's going on right now. You need to come up with ways to calmly talk to her. Slowly. Don't keep bugging her about getting back to together. Do little things for her, like you used to. Take her for a nice dinner. But don't harp about getting back together. Just talk, enjoy each others company. I sure do hope the best of luck for you. Getting her back will be a very long journey. . . and I hope you have learned your lesson... Always tell the truth!

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

Hey. wow. it sounds like you've got lots on your shoulder. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you in the past. i understand why you're too proud to tell her what happened. but you should.

the truth is that Trust and (honesty) are the most important thing in a marriage. counselling doesn't work if it's only you attending. you're not married to yourself!! your wife has to be present in the counselling sessions other wise it doesn't work.

i am married, and if my husband lied to me about something that big, i would probebly do the same as ur wife... the hardest thing for a married woman is thinking that she's being played or betrayed. if you break the trust, then it's really hard to mend it.

But i think that all hope is not lost. the best thing is to tell her the truth about everything. get someone to look after the kids for a few hours, and just really sit down and talk to her. if she refuses to talk to you, write her a letter and leave it somewhere she can see it. but you have Got to tell her the absolute truth.
she distrusts you becasue you lied to her and then you lied again to cover up.us women are very good at picking up these things, she now thinks that she's being used and that you don't love her, or she might not understand why you'd lie to her(obviously coz she doesn't know the truth.)

you shouldn't hide anything from your wife. Good or bad. how would you feel if she was the one that did all that & u were on the recieving end.

once you've told her the truth and Apologized Genuinely, then u can look at counselling. your Kids also pick up on this tention and if you let it go on too long, they'll get hurt.

I wish all All the best. Good luck with everything. and remember" honesty is the foundation of all virtues"
best of luck.

Answer 4

I am curious what "other" things you have done behind your wifes back for her to be this upset with you.
Hiding $5k in debt for a family vacation is not a big deal, so what pay it off.
A man looking for a man on the internet is a little strange and saying "molested" by this man is a little unbelievable considering that you are possibly in your late 30's.... Molest? Maybe raped, or a guy came on to you and you were curious and went along.. but not molested.. nah, not at your age... SO, be truthful with this one first. You were either raped, or a dude came onto you and you were curious..... Usually a person has to be honest with themself first before another will believe anything.... SO, which was it???
When you are honest about this other guy, then you can figure out how to explain it to your wife and hopefully move forward in your life as a married couple...Hopefully, your curiousity does not spike up again, if that is what really happened.

Answer 5

If you had a happy marriage for 12 years, and this is all that has happened, then I think you will recover from it.

I hope you have explained the whole situation to her about why you were looking on the Men2Men website, and make sure she understands. She manybe just as confused as you are, thinking you are looking for a relationship with a man!.

I would try to talk to her again. Explain your feeling towards her, and what you were doing on that website.
If that doesn't work, give her the space she wants. Tell her you are there ready to talk when she is ready, bt you want to respect her wishes and give her space.
There is nothing more you can do, the more you push, the further she'll run!.

She has had 2 bigs shocks recently, give her time to work through them, and see what happens!

Answer 6

It is most important to understand yourself at this time. Not your spouse. Be respectful of your inner self and don't be seduced by that which you connot have at this time. Get clear on what your basic needs are in the relationship and ask for these in a straight forward way. Trust is a most important aspect of a relationship and you may not get it from your spouse again, however the only way you can get it is if you implicitely trust yourself and have the highest integrity in all your communications. There are messages which pass between people that are on an energetic level and will be percieved even if the words don't reflect them. You need to purify yourself to get back this level of trust. Once you have gone through this process you should ask for these things from her and if she does not want to give them than you are free to move on. This has to be done from a place of detatchment and love. Don't expect anything from her just allow her to answer without pressure in any way.

Answer 7

you have done a lot of things to cause this, and you have to expect that as long as it took for it to get this way it will take atleast as long to repair it. You have to start building her trust again, win her again. You have to start courting your wife all over again. Leave her a flower with a little note asking her to dinner, or if things are more strained than that just a note saying that you are sorry for the things you did to decieve her apologise for each thing in detail. If you have not told her everything about why you were on those websites you need to. You have to win her back one day at a time and she will resist at first, but just keep being VERY kind and do nice things for her daily no matter how she treats you. She has a lot of anger towards you and she will have to express that before she can forgive you.

Answer 8

1. Get counseling for yourself.
2. Offer to get counseling for the couple with her, but if she is not ready yet or does not want it, do not force her. Don't even ask her for a reason.
3. Trust cannot be built artificially. You have to rebuild it. It will take time. That is the nature of trust.
4. Find out if she has any views as to how you should behave in the house. Do leave her alone when she needs to be alone. Do give her space. Do love your children and take care of them.
5. Get a hobby (one where you will be seen to not get in trouble -- from her point of view). For example, astronomy. Get a small telescope, go out in the back yard. Eventually try to interest the kids. Heck, she might even get interested herself! Or any other hobby that keeps you handy around the house in case she needs you (remember, building trust).

Answer 9

Your wife truly loves you, but she is hiding her hurt by pushing you away. You need to tell her you and her need to talk about this. If she pushes you away, then give her her space, but find a way to talk to her. Send her an email, a card, a telegram, write it in the sky, just get to talk to her. If she still refuses, then maybe divorce is the best idea. Two people cannot live in the same house and go one like this. It leaves a negative effect and especially hurts the children.

Answer 10

you were searching for someone who molested you???? if so you need to tell your wife the whole story, you need to be honest. everyone reacts differently to situations. it may take time, but if you were molested, its not your fault. its gonna take time for the shock to wear off, if your wife won't go to conseling, maby a family friend or relative could be a meadeator!!!! don't hide it any more bring it all out in the open, just remember the truth will set you free!!! good luck