PLEASE READ MY POEM, and tell me what you think? I need constructive criticism and honest opinions.?

Question

The moon gleamed silver as we sat in the grass of summer
I kissed his fingers, said I'm worried about him
He knows he smokes too many cigarettes
He had become everything he had learned was wrong
So he tried to change himself
Bought new clothes and dyed his hair
And lied about what he has done

"It's okay though, honey
I know your used to lying
You were made ashamed to face the truth
When you told your mother she threw the bible at you
Pretending is what you had to do
Growing up for her to accept you."

He takes prescription pills now
To try to cure his fever
But the loneliness still burns in him
I said, "My dear, you look like you've been crying."
Softly, he told me that he's been dreaming of dying
He spoke in a whisper as if every word hurt him
We held each other and waited for the sun to rise
Watched the sky turn a beautiful yellow
I felt cleansed and alive again
As he smiled, a real smile
In that moment everything felt right
White roses will bloom from our sorrow in the soil

Thank you all for your honesty!
Your opinions are highly valued, considering this is my first attempt at writing poetry.
=)

Answer 1

Keep in mind that this is constructive criticism and I apologize for any bias (I try not to be) and the exhausting length:

[The moon gleamed silver as we sat in the grass of summer]
A nice starting line though "moon gleamed silver" and "grass of summer" sounds fairly ordinary. It's poetry, you can play with sensations and distort reality to your liking while still keeping true to what you are truly feeling.

[I kissed his fingers, said I'm worried about him
He knows he smokes too many cigarettes
He had become everything he had learned was wrong]
Awkward construction. Maybe: "I--kissed his fingers--said I'm worried about him". That's if you don't want to change the line completely but what Sam suggested is perfect. Considering rhythm, this second line wrecks the rhythm your first line created. "He knows...wrong" could be constructed better; too wordy. Maybe: "He became everything he learned was wrong"? Again, work on the rhythm.

[So he tried to change himself
Bought new clothes and dyed his hair
And lied about what he has done]
I hear a rhythm going on here but it's not completely there. I like what you are saying here; very telling of our current society. If your poem doesn't have a rhythm might as well write a short story, no?


["It's okay though, honey
I know your used to lying
You were made ashamed to face the truth
When you told your mother she threw the bible at you
Pretending is what you had to do
Growing up for her to accept you."]
This is really good. Of course, the "your" should be "you're". Anyway, I recommend a comma between "mother" and "she" just to create a rhythmic pause and to make it less confusing for the reader. It'll do the line good. "Growing up for her to accept you" is somewhat confusing. Are you saying He is pretending while growing up for the mother to accept him OR He is growing up for her in order to be accepted. They both mean the same. Making this line clearer would be better for the reader but it's good already.

[He takes prescription pills now
To try to cure his fever]
What is this fever? In this late time in the poem, adding more metaphors and other devices would be confusing for the reader if you didn't set their foundation in the first few lines.

[But the loneliness still burns in him]
Really good personification and tie in with the cigarettes.

[I said, "My dear, you look like you've been crying."
Softly, he told me that he's been dreaming of dying
He spoke in a whisper as if every word hurt him]
This is an intense part of the poem. Really good (I stress REALLY because I'm jealous) but I would suggest getting rid of softly because you put "He spoke in a whisper" in the next line. It's redundant. I would just put: "He told me he had dreamt of dying". But that's just me. Anyway, If you do get rid of softly, readers would be better struck by the following line: "He spoke in a whisper as if every word hurt him." as you already set His fear through the "dying dream"; describing his weary disposition right after would be effective as it will build on the "dying dream" line. Again, fix the rhythm.

[We held each other and waited for the sun to rise
Watched the sky turn a beautiful yellow
I felt cleansed and alive again]
The imagery is really effective in here after the dreary lines; really good. The "sun...yellow" lines sound a bit overused. I would change it but it's good as is. I do agree with aggylu on "I felt cleansed and alive again"; sounds original. Both lines are good.

[As he smiled, a real smile
In that moment everything felt right
White roses will bloom from our sorrow in the soil]
Technically speaking (I apologize that I am a perfectionists; a lot of budding poets are and should be) you should put a dash instead of a comma "As he smiled--a real smile". Then, just to avoid reader confusion you should put the closing dash after "moment". So it'll read as: "As he smiled--a real smile/In that moment--everything felt right". If you don't want to do that, I suggest rewording the two lines just for the reader's sake. And lastly is the "white roses" line. It's beautiful but there's something about it that's awkward. I think it's the wordiness. I would change it to: "White roses will bloom from our sorrowed soil." If you don't want to do that, I don't know what else to suggest. Trimming it down is the best option as cutting it into two will render the line less powerful than it should be.

Overall, your poem is good. I agree with agglyu when she said your poem sounded like lyrics. This is because you don't have a flowing rhythm. The difference between lyrics and poetry is that you can use music to make lyrics flow but in poetry You have to make that music through purposeful usage of certain words and purposeful division of sentences. Put a rhythm to it (meaning fix the wordings, phrasings, and punctuations) and you have a winner.

Hope I helped.
=]

Answer 2

After reading the other version, I can say absolutely that it is much better now. That is not to say it doesn't have problems though. The rhythm is still a little choppy, but it reads more like a poem now, and less like a letter. As for the white roses, it would take someone who loves roses to pick up the significance of the soil it takes to grow roses. Roses are hard to grow unless the soil is right for them, slightly acidic, the sorrow in the soil making it so. As a rose grower, I got that connection and it really works well in that spot. I'm not sure I would try any more editing on it, more might be too much and send it the other way, just change the your to you're as someone else brought out, and it will be a good poem.

Answer 3

Some of the corrections offered above are nonsensical.
I sort of get the poem, but it seems more like lyrics. I like that you tried to capture a small moment. I think it would be more poetic if you pulled some of the 'telling' phrases, like lines 3 and 4. You could smell smoke, or he could be taking a drag. . .I don't like, "He had become everything he had learned was wrong." You make that pretty clear with the bible toss.
"Cleansed and alive again," does not sound original, especially while describing a sunrise. And I really don't like the last 2 lines.
So I say, leave the showing of the event, cut the telling. We should be able to pick up on the emotional context from the event alone. More importantly, we might be able to feel some of it.

Edit: Dondi's explanation of roses and acidity gives me some appreciation for the last line. I still associate white roses with clichés of love and friendship, and a healthy portion of cheese.

Answer 4

It's not a poem that offers a lot of subtlety, but that's the only negative thing I can say. If you're writing in iambic pentameter, which you are, understatement goes a long way toward making the meter work for you. Sometimes the first iamb, sometimes the second is better left truncated to omit a metrical foot. Now, to the pulp of the poem, the meaning. How about putting into first person singular, personalizing for effect? I don't think you want me to say more than that, because who, but the poet, knows what it's REALLY about? Keep writing, and always strive to be accessible!

Answer 5

I liked it before and I like it now. I hope you keep writing, you have native talent. I love the voice in here as well as the narrative.

In regards to the what is song and what is poetry debate here are some facts that might give you some insight.

In most languages and cultures of the world poets and song writers are synonymous; there is not two words to distinguish between them; they are both named the same thing. Songs can be poems and vise versa. Don't get hung up in colonial thinking; most cultures do not think of these two things (poetry/song) in terms of differences; they don't even have words to separate them.

Answer 6

I am sorry that you removed your first posting, but am happy to see that you have made some changes.

I was in the process of reviewing our first post for constructive comments so since you remove that, I guess I will do to this instead.

I kissed his fingers, said I'm worried about him
Confusion* Why would you say that you kissed his fingers and “said I’m worried about him”?
Would you not say… “I kissed his fingers and said, “I am worried about you”.

He knows he smokes too many cigarettes
Too – means also, do you not mean to use To.
(Me) – He knows that he smokes to many cigarettes.

He had become everything he had learned was wrong
Is this person dead? “Had” is a pass tense. Do you not mean to say has?
(Me) He has now become everything that he was taught was wrong.

This is a polite critique of just your beginning, should you like for a more private assistance, please feel free to email me.

Peace,
Sam

Answer 7

This has nothing to do with the poetic value of your work, but you used the wrong your. "I know your used to lying." It should be you're.
Something about the flow is wrong. It seems choppy, but I like what you are saying. "When you told your mother she threw the bible at you" Love that line.

Answer 8

I don't understand how the white roses part ties into the poem but the rest is AWESOME!

Answer 9

I love your poem...it is dramatic
it gives u the scene of what love means to this female
and who her man means to her
i am a poet myself....maybe sometime I will post one of my poems! and u would be critisizing it or complimenting it! lol
---keep up the good woork

Answer 10

I think it's cheesy, poorly attended to, and the story line is vague.