Here's a situation!! Prefer for married men to reply, but all welcomed!?

Question

Ok, I'm married for past 25 years, but recently separated and contemplating divorce for good reason. I met this married man, and we got along great. Saw eachother everyday for several minutes and then started to realize that he was more interested than just a hello here and there. He approached me and we started talking over the phone. He told me he had a serious crush on me, which I didn't really know. Well, soon after that we got intimate (please don't judge, these things happen). It started getting really deep and he backed off, saying that we have such a strong connection and we should just be friends (which I agree, we have such a bond). Ok...no intimacy although conversations get deep sometimes. Didn't see eachother for several months as I relocated. But continued talking everyday over the phone. Saw eachother a handful of times. The one time we met for several hours just hanging out and having lunch, it got really heated and things happened again.

It was very passionate, we couldn't help it. Well, what happened next, he backed off again. Wants to keep the "friendship" I, of course, have hard time with that, but I don't want to lose the friendship part of this either. We've bonded seriously. I can understand his fear of getting intimate. I know he loves me and I've fallen in love with him also. And it's not just the "sexual" part of it. It's the mental part of it. It's like we can finish eachother sentences. Like we've known eachother for years. Now that I'm separated from my husband, I think it's freaked him out. I think he's scared of his feelings for me. I told him that I couldn't just be friends (honestly) and backed off. Well, he's approached me once again, standing his ground, but doesn't want me to far. Needs the friendship. I understand. What do you guys think? Are we crazy? Serious answers only please. This is extremely serious and confusing.

When I said I'm divorcing my husband for good reason, I meant that. This is the only time I've fallen for another guy, as opposed to his cheating on me on and off for 25 years. So please don't judge unless you know the whole story.

I am in counseling, and no he hasn't mentioned divorce. And being judged is not my concern.... because like it or not things DO HAPPEN! I used to think that way too, until I was in this situation.

Wow, JadeyOz.... unfortunately I've been through what you've been through also....my husband is now with a woman who he's cheated on me over and over again with.... way before this guy came into my life. you're right it doesn't make it right, but I've already been through the suffering, and continue! Thanks for the wishes. God Bless!

Bottome line!!! We're fighting with the moral issues and are trying to keep it on the right path (friendship) and not move on from there. If we were trying to use eachother or hurt anyone else, we would continue to have sex with eachother, but we've stopped. Although you can't help who you fall in love with.

Absolutely Marazul! Correct in every sense! The initial intention was to have fun with this... as I was Never, Ever the one to go and do such a thing!!! Well, I should've known, having only two lovers in my entire life, that I would have fallen. Thanks for putting it that way! I respect you for that.

Doesn't anyone understand that their isn't an affair anymore. There is a friendship, and although, yes it was wrong to start off the way we did, feelings did get involved which is why affair was put away, and friendship is being sought instead. No one has asked anyone to leave their spouse... which is why we've backed off, it got intense, and shook us. Thought we'd have some fun and it bit us. Yes, I do know he loves me too, which is why friendship and no longer affair is involved. Also, I didn't leave my husband because of this guy!

I AM AMAZED AT HOW SO MUCH JUDGMENT WAS PUT ON ME BEING THE OTHER HALF OF THE SITUATION, BUT IT TOOK TWO TO MAKE THE SITUATION WHAT IT IS NOW. For those who actually took the time to understand the situation, thank you. There are lots of reasons why these things happen. And I was one that would frown upon such a thing until it actually happened to me. We are human beings, and yes, when something is missing in our prime relationships.... you tend to make horrible decisions that can affect your life and others. Thank you all for your answers. And for the ones that wish ill upon me, many blessings to you and I pray that you never, ever find yourself in this situation... I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Answer 1

My initial reaction is that your new man is not into a committed relationship hence, have sex and back off but stay friends to keep you in tow.
He is afraid to loose what he has at home with his own wife, and gamble his future on you.
My advise would be to go through with your divorce, and continue the Counselling, and once the divorce is finalised, see how committed your new man is, now that you are free.
In the meantime, avoid the physical aspects of your new relationship and try to keep it at a distance, from which you are able to review the situation , without undue influences.
Good luck, I hope what-ever you decide, works out for all concerned, including his wife.

Answer 2

The bottom line is that he's married and you should have left it alone ... no discussion on that issue. All you've done now is created a bunch of emotional feelings. I doubt very much if he has any though. He has a wife that he goes home to and then he has you on the side for a bit of fun when he feels like it. Men have a habit of telling the woman they are having an affair with the things that they think the woman wants to hear so they can keep pulling them along for their own pleasure. I have asked a lot of married men " would you ever cheat on your wife and if not why not?" I've been disappointed in the answer most of the time. They don't say they wouldn't cheat because they love their wife too much. Their answer is mostly " because I've got too much to lose". If he was in love with you and things were as good as you indicate between the two of you, he would leave. I say this because since he is cheating with you ... it's obvious he dosen't respect or love his wife. So I would guess...he's got too much to lose. There are a lot of people out there that we could meet and get along great with and have lots of fun for a period of time .... but that dosen't mean that we are in love with them. Maybe this man is giving you something that your marriage was missing ... but the bottom line is that he's married. I will gaurantee you that if you happen to get together with him, you will always think about him cheating on his wife and wonder when and if the time will ever come that he'll do the same to you. You will never trust him 100%.

Answer 3

I understand all what you're saying but I must tell you what I see.

Problems with husband, not easy, alcohol, cheating. I don't know if I would endure a man like that. Divorce always hurt and I hope you're doing it properly keeping an eye on what's yours.

You have a self-esteem problem. It's understandable after what your husband did to you. And that's why you jump into this married man arms. You should have waited after divorce to be alone, think about yourself, strenghten you up, just be by yourself, but the self-esteem problem doesn't allow you to do that. A married man (problems for future relationship) gives you a little attention and you fall for him. I also see that you lack strenght, you're probably not a weak person but you didn't behave as a strong person in front of this married man.

If you wanted to have sex, you could have done it ONCE and then done with it forever. That would be being strong because it's not common that people stop after one time, most of the time it goes on. Also if it was for the friendship for what you went and slept with him? That's why I tell you that you're not strong, either is this or that and stick to what you want.

Initially you should have talked to the married man, keep him as an acquaintance and you should have been strong enough not to fall for him, what can you do with this guy, he's married! You just like to complicate your life. You should think harder, about the consequences of all this.

No I don't agree with that you met and things got heated and you fell. That's a sign of weakness, sorry. Sure it's nice to make love and get horny but what about everything else, it just messes you up even more. This guy is dealing at the same level, assessing what he can do so that he doesn't get hurt too badly.

I just think you made a few mistakes. Knowing he was married should have made you stop right there and then.

good luck

Answer 4

Not sure what your question is as you really didn't ask one. But if your asking for an opinion on the romantic entanglement you seem to be in I will give you my impression. I do have a question about your first sentence. You say you are separated and contemplating divorce with good reason. What is the reason? If it is this other guy in your life, I would want to figure out if he is contemplating the same with his wife first. If for other reasons then ok, but don't let him be the deciding factor in your decision.
As far as your affair with him goes, sure it happens, especially if you are not happy in your marriage. Where do you go next? You have to ask yourself how you truly feel about the other guy right now. Where you would like to see this relationship go. What are his feelings toward you. Is he willing to give up his current family to be with you.
When you talk with him, you need to find out these things as that will influence your thought process. Don't allow the physical aspects and excitement of a new romance overpower your decision making ability. You may fall totally in love with him and he may not feel the same and may not want to leave his current wife/family.
I am usually the first to respond saying "listen to your heart not your head" but in this instance I think you need to evaluate all angles before jumping in with both feet.
Love is beautiful at any age and stage in life, we just need to make sure that both parties are in agreement.
Good luck, he sounds like a great guy from what you said. You are a lucky woman.

Answer 5

If you are divorcing for this other man - he is thinking he needs to divorce too to make it right to justify his feelings. He cannot be half into it to be real and be all you think it could be. He may be scared of the new commitment. He never had to deal with you being a commitment as he could keep you as his private friend. His added sexual contact shows that it is not friendship anymore. He needs to make a commitment to you or his relationship will always be an affair. If you want a solid relationship with him, how can you trust him if he cheats on his wife now? AND he isn't willing to make a commitment to you so he likes the freedom of choice - and freedom to cheat on her. I think you need to make an ultimatum to him that you are searching for your love of your life and if it is him, he needs to make up his mind. Otherwise you are choosing a person that cannot choose you and you will lose waiting for a empty hand and false promise of "future together" when the future needs a commitment to be true.

Answer 6

he wont marry you your a cheater,and no other man who knows what you have done will trust you ,and with good reason.
theres no way you can justify what you have done but you try to make yourself look like the hurt one,when all you had to do was not ring another man when you didnt need to.
by cheating you will end up lonely as a marrid man will say aything to get sex from someone who is obviously easy.
if not then you wouldnt have done it again after the first time.

you do not desreve sympathy from anyone and you will get what you deserve.and to try and blame your husband by saying hes had affairs doesnt make it right for you to sleep with others thats your choice entirely.

Answer 7

You're both married. Like it or not. you're in the wrong. You're falling for the idea of what you want to happen, not what's really there. Things don't jusy happen either. You choose to do them, so quit kidding yourself. If it wasn't wrong, would you worry about being judged? Didn't think so. You're both looking for attention and getting needs filled that obviously aren't being filled at home. Stop seeing until you're divorced. I don't see that happening with him- notice how you never mentioned HIM getting divorced? Go through with your divorce and get counseling. You need it to figure out why you're doing this to yourself.

Answer 8

So how thats cheating women sleep at night after stealing married men by justifying it in those terms :please don't judge, these things happen , right so the old skank who attempted to steal my husband shoulda come up to me and screamed that at me should she ? and then I shoulda just roled over like a beaten dog and accepted it?

GROW UP YOUR A HOME WRECKER , and theres NO frikken excuse for what your doing.I hope karma gets your rear end you deserve nothing but pain , agony and distress.

Oh and word to the wise , IF THEY'LL CHEAT WITH YOU , THEY'LL CHEAT "ON" YOU.serves you right your disgusting.

Answer 9

Run a mile from this guy, he is not into commitment, at the moment he has his cake and he is eating it, has he told his wife he wants a divorce, or are you his big secret. Don't be nieve, find a guy that wants you and not a naughty couple of hours away fom 'er indoors!

Answer 10

he isn't afraid of the intimacy, he's married! that's the whole problem! he doesn't want to get too close to you because he knows that at the end of the day he goes home to someone else. if you want to continue being his side piece of ***, then go ahead, but if he was going to leave his wife for you he would have done it already.