How can I deal with the fact that my mom is still married to my stepfather who molested me when I was child?

Question

My moms knows about it and blames me for sopposedly not telling her, but I did.. She also did this to my oldest sister which is using drugs, I feel so dirty, I was in second grade probably about 6 or 7 years of age...

I hate the fact that he visits me and acts as if nothing happened.. I have a son that is 11 and he does not come near this man... My sister's still live at home and have young kids, I cant go to the police it has been too many years..

Answer 1

You deal with it by having nothing to do with them. If you have kids theres no way you ever go near them.

Answer 2

the first question is whether she actually knows that he did.and then how long ago. you need counseling if you haven't already had that and consider talking to the police. If he molested you, there is a chance that he may have molested others in your neighborhood as well and having him arrested can give you closure and perhaps protect another young girl somewhere. If your mother didn't know she should stand behind you on this and if she did know and did nothing, she is as guilty as him.
If nothing else, make sure she knows and make her make a choice between you or him and if she chooses him, feel sorry for her for that but have nothing more to do with her.

Answer 3

I don't know sweetie? I can only speak for myself here and it is only my feelings I am expressing. I have children and grandchildren and I love my husband very much...but if he ever crossed the line like that with any of them my life would be over with him. I could not bear to ever look at him or ever see any good in him to think to stay. That is one thing that is unacceptable and thank God my husband feels the same way. I am very aware of things like this happening in families as well as with biological fathers and grandfathers. My older sister was married to a child molester with 6 children she divorced him after 20 years of marriage ...and before she died this all came out of the closet with her two oldest daughters.I also have a girlfriend that has a son and his grandfather molested him when he was a young boy . He is a grown man now and several years ago he confronted his mother with the information. The grandfather had already died when she was told and she said that if he was still alive she would have killed him. All I can say is that if a woman can continue on in life with a child molester she has to either be in denial of it or she has some very deep issues going on in herself. I would inform everyone that has children that takes them around him be aware that he cannot be trusted. If your step father never had any therapy after this was discovered the problem is still there and even then I would not want him around any of my children if I had them. You really do need to talk with a counselor that deals with this type of abuse. Your mother is still with this man and I could only imagine how you would feel about that! This man needs to take accountability for what he has done to you and I am sorry but your mother is not showing you respect. If you were my daughter I would be there for you and holding you and ackowledge your pain ....because I would be hurting for you and me and I would want to do anything I could to make you feel safe. I have two daughters of my own and they are my world and my heart would be breaking ...that I brought someone into their lives that damaged their innocence! I would run not walk away from my husband so fast his head would spin and someone would have to hold me back to keep me from going to jail. My deepest sympathy goes out to you as a mother myself and I am so very sorry that this awful man hurt you! You stay away from that terrible man and get some professional advice about your mother and let someone that knows how.... lead you and guide you and give you the courage to do what you have to do here to find peace.

Answer 4

My situation is a little different. My husband molested my daughter when she was 11 years old. She told me and immediately he was GONE! I went straight to the police and he got 20 years in prison, serve 15. He is due to get out in 3 years. My mother has supported him financially and emotionally since the beginning. I have told her that it hurts me, and I don't understand how she could do that. She tried to compare his wrong doing to everyone else including me. Her words were, "what? you've never made a mistake"? MISTAKE? How dare you compare a MISTAKE to a man who molested your grandaughter and tore your daughter's life apart? I don't understand~Can anyone help me? I have decided to have nothing to do with her. Is that the answer?

Answer 5

You can go to the police. It doesnt matter how long ago it was. If your sister will back you up you should have enough evidence there. I understand how you feel i really do but stop him before he does it to your nieces and nephews. It will be hard but you will feel so much better to get it out there. I'm sorry you don't have your mum on your side i just cant believe she is still with him. You go girl im right behind you every step. I wish i had the guts to go to the police with my atacker just so he wouldnt do it to anyone else i feel guilty everyday for it.

Answer 6

As a child my cousin molested me while babysitting. It was my fathers' nephew, my mom explained to my dad what happened and he acted as if nothing ever went on. I should be furious as should you from what happened. I was furious that my mother stayed with my dad. But even though my mom stayed I still love her and couldnt imagine never speaking to her or ever seeing her.
In my situation I took these steps to evaluate what should be done. I hope this may help you with your situation.

First thing Always Keep your Space between your Stepfather and your own family.

1. Does your mom know what actually happened? If not let her in on the problem.
2. Think about your own children. Do you really want them to grow up without their grandma?
3. Has your mom ever apologized? If she was sincere you should accept her forgiveness...your mother will always love you!
4. Find alternative places and activities for your mother and you to do.
5. Last thing if your mom still refuses to see you without him , refuse to see her.

Answer 7

Wow! You need to get as far away from them as possible. What kind of mother is she to stay with a man that violates a child?! They should both be in jail. My heart goes out to you. Try seeking some sort of therapy on the issue. Sometimes it helps to be able to unload all your emotions on someone that you know for a fact is not going to betray your trust and just listen while you poor your heart out.

Just curious...why are they not in jail? I say they, because by her staying with him she is supporting him and excusing his inexcusable behavior.

Answer 8

Keep your children away from that SOB. Do not even allow your Mom to watch the kids because apparently she wasn't watching you well enough to have this happen to you. Your Mom is selfish and has some kind of mental problems if she allowed him to do that to you and is still with him. I would be mad at the Step dad and the Mom as well. They are suppose to be protectors not violators.

Answer 9

sorry, first of all. it's too bad your mother can't overlook the fact that she's married to a beast. but that's her issue she has to live with. sorry to say but you don't need that kind of negative energy even if it is your mother. go on with your life. if it's still too difficult see a therapist and talk it out. life is too short to have to bother and congregate with those that cause and caused you harm. be well and live long. the day will come when they will be judge and they'll have to face their demons. sounds like you've had enough of that. i wish you the best that life will give you. PEACE

Answer 10

This is a hard question to answer and I hope I help you. Stay away from your stepfather and talk with your mother and tell her how you feel. This is something the both of you need to deal with and if she is not willing to deal with it then you have to stay away from them both. I know it sucks. If I didn't help you I hope you find some help somewhere.