How can I change my husband?

Question

Hi Ammas I am a 27 year old woman. I was married three years ago and I have a 5 month old daughter. My marriage is on rocks so please advice and help me. I lost my father during my graduation. My mother and I faced many hardships after that – money problems and pressure from relatives. With gods grace and my mothers blessings I completed my PG. I have a brother who is 2 years elder to me. He was not gud at studies and was still graduating and doing a small job when my dad left us. After my dad passed away he left his job and was idle for 5 years. Those five years he tortured my mother and me. He thought he is the master of the family and we shud listen to him and act accordingly. He would use bad language whenever there is an argument. He had problem with my PG becoz it involved lot of money – hefty fees, hostel expenses etc. He wanted a/c for each penny my mom spent. He used to just loiter around, hangout with friends and do some networking courses. Me and my bro had heated arguments often and my mom used to suffer a lot of emotional pain. After my PG I got married and got a good job. First year was marvelous. We had lot of love for each other and enjoyed life though there were tiny disputes. In the second year my bro and mother came to stay with us becoz my brother was looking for a job in our city and they were financially weak. I used to help them financially and my husband never complained. Looking at my lazy brother my husband started behaving like him. He stopped helping me in daily chores. My bro used to make a mess at home leaving things here and there. If I said anything he wud blow up the issue. He wud say the food isn’t tasty, why don’t you cook more items? Why this curry today? etc etc. We had arguments every other day. I used to tell him that I will manage my home in my own way. I used to tell my husband be on my side in these arguments. Explain my brother not to hurt me with words and warn him but he always kept quiet and never interrupted us. Since I didn’t have my husbands support there was no one to stop my brother. I used to cry a lot and suffered lot of emotional pain. My relationship with my husband was getting affected due to this. We used to argue over in-laws or on when to have kids. Since I was already upset becoz of my bro I used to shout on my husband. I never fought with him unnecessarily or without a reason. My husband used to be cool and never lost his temper. My husband lost his job. He blamed me for losing it. He says he cud not work efficiently becoz of our fights. Third year me and my husband moved to another city. We both have good jobs now but things have changed a lot and are becoming worse day by day. All hell broke loose on me since the day we shifted here. I got pregnant. My husband was not prepared for a child. He was not very happy but agreed for a child becoz I was desperate. We bought a 3BHK flat on loans since we both were earning. Now our incomes are just enough to run the household. There are no savings at all. There is no money for fun or enjoyment. My husband has changed a lot. He never took care of me when I was pregnant. He stopped giving me his salary for maintaining the house. Two thirds of his salary goes away for the home loan EMI. Rest he hides. I have to tell him what I did with my money. I have to show him my bank statements. He has stopped helping. He has become very insensitive. He is just not bothered abt anything. I have to do everything - buying grocery & fruits, shopping for the kid, paying all bills, buying home furniture etc etc. He just gets up in the morning , has his breakfast and goes to office. Comes back watches tv and eats dinner and sleep. Max he will take me to the nearby grocery store. He will be in the car while I go shop everything. I manage both work and home. He does not even play with my daughter. He wanted a son so he is indifferent towards my child. Even my in laws wanted a grandson. My MIL has no problem but my FIL does not love my child. All of these people are well educated but they still have this gender bias. My husband has stopped talking to me. He will open his mouth only to blame me for something or to tell me a work. He does not love me at all. Post my delivery I have developed back ache. I keep crying of pain but he stays cold. He will hold my child for 10 mins after coming home and just does some time pass. Later he sticks to his tv. I take care of the child and cook dinner side by side. If I tell him to do anything he will either forget or he is busy. He will call his relatives & talk to them (complaints abt me) often OR he will buy air tickets on net for his brothers family but he has no time for us. Of late when we argue he has started beating me and using foul language. He says if you are not happy leave me and go. I have no clue why he has changed drastically. He says u have made me like this. I am very sad & depressed. I get up at 5 take care of my daughters needs, cook & and go to office. I come back at 7 cook again and play a while with my child. I am always tired becoz of the huge task list and stress. I am fed up of my life now. I don’t want to divorce him. I don’t have my family support. My bro is useless and my mother cannot help me. She has come to know of the changed behaviour of my husband and she pities me. I don’t want the social stigma of being a divorcee. I had a wonderful father and I don’t want my child to feel fatherless. My in laws know everything but they never blame their son. When ever I tell my problem to them they ask me to adjust and compromise. They don’t say a word to their son. I have a good MIL who understands me but my husband does not listen to anybody in this world. I have tried everything. I have spoken, requested, cajoled him. Nothing worked. I have even tried ignoring him & not talking to him but he irritates me for something or the other and the fight begins. Or he will start with a reason. I want to improve my relationship with my husband. Please help

Answer 1

I hate to tell you what you don't wan to hear, but you need to leave this man. He's obviously only hanging around because he's grown accustomed to the marriage, doesn't want to pay child support, wants you to support him (cooking/cleaning), and/or enjoys seeing you in pain. If this man beats you, even if (so far) it's only been once, STOP AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE COULD DO TO YOUR CHILD!!! Your baby is completely defenseless in this world and extremely vulnerable. You may not think he's capable of hurting your child, but if he's ignoring her, and snaps so easily, he could hurt her in the blink of an eye, even KILLING HER!!! Who cares if you can't get help from your family??? Who cares if you don't want to be a divorcee???
WOULD YOU RATHER BE A SINGLE MOTHER ***OR*** YOUR CHILD GROWING UP MOTHERLESS OR YOU ATTENDING HER FUNERAL??????
I know I may sound a bit harsh to your situation, but I care. I really, really do...

GET OUT NOW!!!!!!
GET OUT NOW!!!!!!
GET OUT NOW!!!!!!

Answer 2

I am very sorry, but your husband has changed and blamed it on you. He does not see anything wrong with his behavior. You cannot change him. He has to change himself and I dont see that happening with what you are telling me. You say he is hitting you that is unacceptable. Also, a marriage is a partnership it should be fifty fifty. This means he should help with the household chores and the child care when you are cooking and home from work. I understand you do not want the stigma of being a divorcee, but how can you live the rest of your life in this hell. You are a young woman and have plenty of years left to live. If you wrote this to vent, I hope you feel better, but if you really want advice. You need to leave him. You can take him back once he realizes what he has lost and begs for your forgiveness. Until then, you do not have to deal with this.

Answer 3

To start off here, I must tell you that you can not change your husband. But what you can do is change the situation.
I am hoping that at this time you're mother and brother have respectfully moved out of your home and have gotten on with their lives. While it is an honorable thing to try to support your family, it simply doesn't work.
I hear a lot of different issues here, but the one thing that jumps out at me the most is the fact that your husband seems to be experiencing signs and symptoms of depression. I also see that in you as well.
I do not know if you are religious people and attend a church, if you do, I would certainly start there. Secondly, I would suggest that you attend counseling to improve the situation in your home. The violent out bursts and behavior is simply the tip of what is really the underlying problem.
I would suggest, further that you and your husband be given some alone time to discuss what is going on with both of you. Allow each other to speak freely with out blame or finger pointing.But most importantly. listen with intent and respect.

Good Luck,
Ikway

Answer 4

Well no one really want to divorce but you have to do something. If he is beating you and calling you foul language then you must leave. Your child will hear her father calling you names and think it is okay...and when she gets older she will think it is normal and let someone beat her and call her names and stay because her mom stayed with her dad. He has changed for the worst but he seems very depressed because of you and him having a child...I would set him down and talk to him...tell him he wants to seperate then you need some help to find a place...tell him you need money for rent and that you and him can sell the house and go you and him owns ways....sorry about this situation but the only thing you can do is talk to him...it sounds like he wants out.

Answer 5

Try getting some marriage counseling...And if that doesn't work then you have no chose but, to move on and file for divorce or continue to live the way you are. You husband is not being the man of his household and he has allowed your brother to come in and disrespect you. Now it is your home so stand up tell your no good for nothing brother to get out and not come back till he can respect you!!!!! Then look your husband in the eye and tell him he will be next if he doesn't shape up!!!

Answer 6

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Hh72O

Answer 7

You cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself. You are living with several abusive scenarios and would qualify for a stay at a women's shelter. I would advise you to get help from a place like that, and at least consider the options that leaving your husband would give you.

You want to improve the relationship you have with your husband? Leave him until he straightens up his life and get counselling together if you two decide to give it another try. He treats you badly because you let him. Just as your mother let her son treat her badly your child will see you letting your husband treat you badly. Is that the image of a father you want your child to have?

Answer 8

You cannot change HIM - but you CAN change yourself therefore invoking him to make changes. Get some marriage counseling - if he won't go - go alone...again work on changing YOU...I imagine that your self esteem has taken a hard hit from all of this. You may or may not end up leaving him after sharing your thoughts and feelings with a counselor. Good luck!

Answer 9

It's never going to happen. You know why? You can't change people. This is a problem that so many women have... they don't realize that the only person they can change is themselves so they spend years and years in a relationship until they realize reality: You CAN'T and NEVER EVER will be able to change him. You don't believe me now, but in time you will.

Answer 10

The most important thing your relationship is the child. You both brought her into this world and it is BOTH of your responsibility to take care of her until she can fend for herself. But a father who is there but NOT THERE might even be worse than a father that was never there at all. It might be healthy for the child just to get out of that relationship right now.