Boyfriend is going through a divorce...?

Question

we have been dating for about 7 months now... i recently had a miscarriage. he has two young children. his ex is crazy.. he has custody of his children. i have not met the children yet.. that cant happen until the divorce is over. he filed for divorce, before we met, and i met him through the court system somehow along the way. he is everything i have ever wanted in a man. he is also 10 years my elder. he was there for me through my 10 week pregnancy and he wants to spend his life with me and try to have a baby after his divorce... am i crazy for wanting to be with someone with so much baggage? I know he is the one for me, granted I am still young. we want to wait til money is right and the divorce is totally settled.. but everyone says i am making a mistake.. but i cant help who i am in love with

For all those who responded, let me make this clear.. I met him because of his situation in my line of work. His ex is a drug addict and alcoholic. He gave her many chances... the end result was more failed drug tests... I have a wonderful relationship with my own father, and one of the things I love about my boyfriend is that he is a wonderful father and does everything for his own kids.. They come before me. Ive accepted that and deal with it. I got pregnant on birth control.. how? I am not quite sure. we are obviously being more responsible.. Impulsive??? wouldnt that lead me to be moved in with him.. I am in thelegal profession.. Do you know how long divorces take??? especially when their are custody issues. I believe in marriage by common law.. I do not want to get married.. ever.. but I do want to be with him forever.. and although he EVENTUALLY wants to get married.. I am patiently waiting. thank you for the remarks though. we are happy and in love

He is a stand up guy... I know this.. for many reasons.. many people I know, know this as well. why should I wait for 4 years to be with someone I love.. when a marriage is over it is over.. I said I was young, yes.. but I am educated and had my share of life experiences.. he never cheated on his wife.. he was the sole provider and supported his kids and his ex and what did she do??? she did hard core drugs in her childrens presence??? she also accused him of beating her the same day she failed court ordered drug tests, ( all charges against him were dropped and dismissed after the court proceedings) We have a great relationship, but they are just not combined yet.. every relationship has challenges.. i am not going to back away from the man I love because of a situation that is beyond his control. and for those of you who are experts in relationships... why dont you go try telling the person you love you cannot be with them ??? it is not that easy..

Answer 1

I think that before you allow yourself to become pregnant again (may I assume this guy was the father??), you wait till he's done with his divorce, and you've met his kids, and you at least have a ring on your finger (engagement would be good enough in my book). You should NOT rush things.

You're right -- this guy's got an entire department store full of baggage, but if you give him time and you allow your relationship to develop naturally and maturely without the undue pressure of pregnancy, then you might find a guy who is caring, loving, considerate and kind. Just don't PUSH.

Answer 2

there is a lot of baggage that you both are carrying, you with the recent miscarriage, and he with the divorce and kids. You should just be friends, even if close friends, until perhaps a year after the divorce so that you both have a chance to date others and then see if you both feel the same way. The fact that he was dating you while he was still married could mean that once you are married he will still date others and perhaps he is the crazy one and she appears crazy because he is taking her children from her - enough to drive any woman crazy. There are too many unanswered questions you must ask yourself before getting into a relationship with a man who recently divorced his wife because, from his point of view, you may just be a rebound that he is going through and he may want to have his freedom for a while and not realize it until after the two or you get married. As an objective by stander, I have to wonder whether, depending upon your age, you see him as a father figure, to replace a bad situation with your own father. In any event, don't rush into anything and get counseling before getting married so that you both know what you are getting into and what you will be giving up.
If you can't wait a year, there is a chance that you are rushing in where Angels fear to tread and a year of waiting to make sure this is right is better than a year of happiness and perhaps another child before the happiness ends. Good Luck to you!!

Answer 3

Actually, I do think it will have ups and downs but then all relationships do! I think its wise to wait until after the divorce. Technically he is still married and therefore, its always a good idea to keep things cool until the papers are signed. I believe that you have a good chance of happiness with this person as you have both been through some tough times and its made you appreciate each other - support is like that. If I could give any advice, it would be not to rush things after the divorce. Take it easy and carry on dating and let the world fall into place before you take the next step. As you say, you are still young and have time for babies. You will have to get to know his children first and let them feel comfortable with you before introducing their potential rival! Done well, I think this could be the making of a very happy little family. Of course, if time goes by and things don't work out then that is sad but you will still have had a very good friend. Good luck.

Answer 4

you said the magic words...."my boyfriend is going through a divorce".

#1. he's cheating. his "ex" is not an ex yet.
#2. you get pregnant within 7 mths. I'm sorry you lost the baby, but that is not smart. his wife can rip him to shreds in court for having a girlfriend AND getting her pregnant. he is still cheating.
#3. think about it. if you can't meet the kids yet, there is something wrong with that. it means you are being hidden from everything.

remember, he was the "one" for his wife as well. she didn't marry him to have kids and then divorce. remember, you are the "other woman", and that he can repeat things in the future.

Answer 5

Oh honey love is not something that should come easy. Every relationship has it's problems and if you have to deal with a crazy ex-wife and some kids rather than drugs and alcohol and abuse then more power to your relationship. Don't listen to all the negativity people throw at you, they are either jealous or feel the need to tell you what to do. Just be in love. Nothing worth having is easy, right? Good luck to you :)

Answer 6

Sounds like a garbage scenario. He already has two small kids? I'm sure his ex is crazy because HE MADE HER THAT WAY. Quit trying to get pregnant, if he has custody of those kids, try seeing how hard being a stepmom is first before you add a new baby to the mix.

Answer 7

Since his divorce was begun before you met, dating him is perfectly OK. You also say that you don't plan to leap into marriage. So, while I don't usually think rebound type relationships have much chance of lasting, in this case- Go for it. I do agree that it would be unwise to have any children right away, but seeing each other is fine.

Answer 8

Let's look at the facts: you are dating a married man. Who is 10 years older than you are. Who has children. Who was going to make more kids with you, even while still married.

You are making a huge mistake. Tell your "boyfriend" you need some time to yourself, and that you will only consider dating him again when he is divorced.

Answer 9

You need to figure out what works for you. Yes this is alot of baggage, but if you are willing to work on it then go for it. However I would wait on having a child with him. like wait till you two are married/commited strongly to each other.

Answer 10

Just make sure that this isn't a re-bound thing and for Pete's sake WAIT to have children with this man...You need to meet the kiddos and be around them for awhile before you "move in".