Opposites Attract but repel in the end?

Question

I'd welcome any viewpoints/suggestions. I've been with the same person over 10 yrs. We have history and love for each other but we're light-yrs apart in our outlooks and interests. We just had a terrible argument and I'm feeling awful. He's been out of a job and was telling me his ideas.. He'd like to open a sporting good store. I started thinking of loans, pros and cons, profit, etc. Then I wondered something else.. If he'd want me to work for him since I'm his mate. I said, "Do you expect me to work for you?" maybe not the best words but he flew off the handle. I support him but I'm not really into sports so it's hard for me to get enthused about these things. He remarked that I only care about art, poetry, and music. Well, I know about that and have a passion for that. I was only saying if I quit my current job, it will have to for something I have a passion for. Is that so bad? I work, pay all bills, do my best and I feel worthless in this relationship. I can't live on ESPN.

Answer 1

its perfectly natural for two people to have different passions and view points on things. You need to come up with a compromise. Accept that you can't change what he likes and he needs to accept the same about you. Remember what made you fall in love with him in the first place.......that always helps me.......good luck

Answer 2

10 years is a long time. And you should know better than any of us.
A friend of mine was in a relationship for over 15 years. And in a few weeks two years ago he realised how controling and manipulative his partner was. He did everything for her, work and all. He realised all too late.
Now I dont know about you, or how your relationship is. But I will make a few assumptions:
How long has he been out of work?
How long have you been paying the bills, etc?

And I agree about one thing, if you dont have the passion for something, it most probobly isnt worth doing (for you). Because you will be unhappy and you will regret it.

If you feel worthless and the guy can respect you. Get the **** out.
Again, how has this been over the years?
If its recent, try to work it out. If this has been going on for a while now, get the **** out and dont look back.

You deserve to be treated with respect whoever you are, and if someone doesnt respect you, I doubt they love you.

Try to work things out, if that doesnt work; it doesnt work. Ten years down the drain. But better late then never.
Just remember its never too late to start living your life your way.

And as far as starting a business goes, its not easy. And if he (or you) have no experience in running a business, more likely you will end up in huge debt. Sorry.

Answer 3

Relationships take a lot of work, this I am sure you already know. Sometimes when people have completely different interests it takes more understanding to keep things going smoothly. I would assume that he is already feeling down because he is not working and is really just trying to come up with ideas to make himself feel useful. If he is talking to you about opening a sports store, knowing that you are not into sports, then he is probably just looking for support. You know, the "sounds like a good idea" or "I think you would enjoy that" kind. He is probably just throwing around ideas, hoping for encouragement. Being out of work is hard, especially for a man.

Answer 4

"I feel worthless in this relationship" (this is what stuck out to men, the rest was just details to a specific event, I saw this as the true problem and the story as a symptom)

relationships are give and take, there isn't a couple that has ever walked this earth that enjoyed doing EVERYTHING together. They may do everything together, but its not always enjoyed by both.

In all relationships, there is one party that feels "used" or as you put it "worthless" at one time or another. The key is that this is a temporary and fleeting feeling, not something that you feel often. Communication is the key, and thats a two-party deal. Its not just talking about your issues, but also doing something about solving them and growing stronger because of it.

If you really do feel worthless at any consistent rate, you really do need to talk with your S.O. (sig. other). I can promise you that he doesn't want you to feel that way and if its meant to be, you'll gain a new level of trust and commitment to one another. Sometimes, actual dialogue isn't possible because it will just cause more strife. You could try writing a note/letter being as non-accusatory as possible or set a "dinner date" to talk about this in a private setting, yet public enough where yelling is less likely.

Answer 5

Its all about compromsing, but dont give up something you are good at just because oh his dreams. If thats what he wants, support his ideas, be there for him, but you dont have to work for him. Remind him that you are the one working right now and if it werent for you doing that you all wouldnt be able to manage.
I dont think that its all bad. It seems as if you support his every need, you are there for him no matter what. Most girls dont like a man who doenst help pay the bills... t hat alone is a big stress issue.. So I applaud you for that! Dont give in. Tell him you will help in any way you can.. maybe go a few days out the week once he has his company.. The store isnt open yet and already you and him have issues. Dont feel bad, its bond to happen. Just remember you and him are in this together. You are helping him make a future for the both of you. As I said, you can go a few days out the week to see if you get a feel for the place. I think maybe just maybe, once the business is up and going good, youll find a place for you in it.. Maybe you can bring to it something you like... Good Luck and dont give up on your relationship This is only going ot make it STRONGER!!!

Answer 6

I hope this idiot knows what a good thing he has, does he have the capital to open a sporting goods store? Does he have any experience in retail? Is he aware that there is the beginning of a recession about to hit? Okay so maybe a better way of putting this question would have been "is this something that would have to be a joint venture or do you think you could handle this alone, leaving me to continue in my present job to guarantee an income for us during slow times in the store?
I almost want to tell you to drop the jerk and come be my significant other with the level of unappreciated support you have given this guy.

Answer 7

Part of what was going on in your fight was that both of your inmost dreams came into conflict. I suspect that your partner, without a current job, is feeling free to explore at least to some extent, and he may have been expressing some of his dreams or at least brainstorming. Clearly your interests are in an opposite area and so you feel threatened by the possibility of being dragged into a frustrating scenario that doesn't nurture YOUR dreams. He got so angry because he was throwing out his ideas without expecting any practical response, and he took your reaction as deeply critical. Whereas, you are looking at your own interests and concerns, and fearing that the realization of his dream will interfere with yours.

If you want to work this out, the first thing is to realize where the stress is coming from, and it seems pretty clear that your different goals are coming into conflict. You will need to take some time to reconcile, then when you are calm, sit down together and spend some time "dreaming" freely with each other--share what each of you really dreams of for your life and career without evaluating those things. Talk about how those dreams developed--what you value in life and how your dreams express that. Then, if you have made it to that point, you may be able to talk at a more practical level about how you can work together to respect and build up each other's dreams and your own.

I recommend picking up a copy of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. Which can be helpful for any long term relationship.

Answer 8

You know what...I tend to agree. Opposites attract, but repel in the end. My husband and I couldn't be more opposite and have been together 5 years. I often find that we are in the midst of arguments that are derived from our differences like how to spend money, how important a clean house is, how important it is to dress neatly, etc. Makes me wonder who ever decided opposites are perfect for each other!

We've also had the job issue like you are having. There is so much to being a business owner that very few realize. Plus, it takes a long time for a business to be able to support itself much less provide a salary to it's owner. If you think y'all can make it on your income alone for a while it might work. Otherwise, I'd fight it to the death.

Just seems like it would be easier to communicte with a spouse who was more like ourselves doesn't it? Good Luck!

Answer 9

Your scared. Is he really going to open up this sporting good store or is he dreaming. You might just be fed up. He needs to try and find something now to help with the bills and somehow try to do his dream at the same time. He wants to put the blame on you because he feels bad for not bringing home the bacon. Just tell him you are behind him trying to start his own business but you enjoy having your current job. Good luck

Answer 10

I think you guys blew it way out of proportion - both of you. It was just an idea for crying out loud, he wasn't proposing you quit your job tomorrow! I think you both need to apologize to each other.

Re. the interests - I don't know. I guess it all depends on the dynamics of your relationship. My husband has some interests that are completely boring to me (airplanes, computers, home theater, technology, sci fi etc), and I love some things that seem mind-numbing to him (dancing, art, music, history). We manage to pursue our own interests as well as developing some common ones; together we like to go out to eat, visit friends, play video games, camp in our RV. Yes, much of the time he reads technical manuals and I read various types of non-fiction; but we have enough in common to not let the separate interests create a gap between us. I kinda think that if we had identical interests, it would be sort of boring.

I'm not sure what to make of the difference in your "outlooks"; exactly what do you mean? Having different outlooks is potentially more damaging than having different interests. Without more information, I cannot comment any further. For myself, I can say that my husband and I have very similar outlooks on most things - finances, family, religion, how to treat each other, what to do in our free time, etc. You'll have to be the judge of how the difference in outlooks is affecting your relationship.

Answer 11

I disagree!! my man and I are completely opposite and I couldn't be happier!! I think you might just be in a "bad" relationship (well one that isn't going to work for u anyways) you are being realistic!! he's been out of a job? why? how can u be worthless when u are the one that is basically the "glue" of the relationship... you are working and paying the bills... while he is what? leaching and watching ESPN?? i think u should move on and find someone that respects you and treats you right!!! perhaps at least someone that will pull their own weight!!..