pls help me save my marriage . please..?

6 ⤊

pls help me save my marriage . please..?

hello, please help me, am into a lot of unhappiness. mine is an arranged marriage, my husband is sweet to me most of the times. however, he had confided in me about a chinese girl he fell in love with. he did not have an affair with her, but had been to a movie. He enjoyed her company a lot and fell in love with her without realising it. When people started noticing them talking most of the time ( theyw ere collegues, but she is not here anymore) he realised he's gone far though no marriage was possible between them. So, before it became an affair( ie a formal announcement/ crossing the limits) he moved away. she did try to make things work, but he dint show much response only because he could not marry her( he is frm a traditional family, and he believes in rituals and family a lot too). He told me though he did love her, its past and its over, and i am the only one he cares for in his life. I felt it was reasonable, and was happy with him. This girl mailed once after our marriage ,

2007-10-16 07:22:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce

This girl mailed once after our marriage , my husband replied to it and then I went crazy. There was nothing in those mails though. It was justa casual how are u/ new year kind of mail and my husband had replied saying he hopes shes doing weel, and its a very important year for him as he is entering his married life. But somehow, things keep coming back to mind saying that they were forced to seperate, and he can never like me as much as her. I have no incident to support this though as my husband is very nice to me. I sometimes feel like I must not have accepted his proposal then may be he would have gone back to her as he had no reasons to not like her. I cry a lot thinking of this. we have had fites because of this too, as my husband wants me to belive she is noone to him, and its just casual mail with no emotions in it. Please help me as I get affected so much that I tend to overloo even my basic responsiblities when this comes to mind. looks like i am getting into depression.

2007-10-16 07:23:35 · update #1

2007-10-16 07:23:36 · update #2

2007-10-16 07:23:38 · update #3

i dont know how to reason it out. Do people juststay in love with people whom they used to love? if they jusrt dint marry coz of the society?even if it was their decision to go back?can i build my marriage succefully though am so paranoid( it looks like he is happy most of the times ) he was keen on marrying me. :(

2007-10-16 07:26:28 · update #4

13 answers

Keep bringing it up and he will leave you. YOU have no trust for this man and YOU are ruining your marriage. Perhaps it is YOU who is unhappy and wanting out of the relationship, not the other way around. Remember that you only have control over you---why create issues, are there not enough other things for you to worry about. Get over it or don't but stop blaming this instead of on your real feelings

2007-10-16 07:33:46 · answer #1 · answered by Chasn 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋

First you need to understand that arranged marriages can work. They have existed for thousands of years. The modern and western concept of one choosing ones mate is a relatively new development in the course of history. Remember you are no expert on another person and do not know what or who they may turn out to be, however your parents have been around longer and hopefully have learned from past experiences you have not had the experience of having yet. While we all might like to make our own choices we often in our heart know that some choices are better made by others even if we might not have made the same choices for ourselves. Remember it is a cultural bias to be against arranged marriages and there is no basis in fact making either method right or wrong. Every relationship has its own problems it is how those involved handle those problems and the personal values that they have that determines what happens in their lives. Just because you love someone does not mean they will love you or what you perceive as love will last. In point of fact is your definition of love the same as someone else’s. Our beliefs and reactions are often developed out of our background and culture what is love to one can be obsession or some other thing to another. It has often been said by older people that they did not know true love when they became married but came to experience it after a lifetime of living with their partner. The truth is only you and your partner can make your marriage work and only you together can find your own definition of what love is to you. Lasting Love it is said requires a commitment and much work, acceptance and yes pain in order for it to develop. Only you can decide if you are willing to put in the work and if performing the work will be a joy or a chore. If you feel your partner can complete you and you can complete them, you will then have found love. It will be a much greater and fulfilling love in that you will have put a part of you into making it what it may (should) become. If you can not see such a vision and make such a commitment and feel good about doing so, no matter what happens in the end then you will never find yourself able to be happy. Many say true happiness is found in making another happy also. Just as complete love is caring for another (as a mother does for a child) and their happiness more important to you, than you care for your own. As in the old adage what goes around comes around. Respectfully, JMHO

2007-10-16 08:24:55 · answer #2 · answered by JS 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋

Since your marriage is an arranged one - and your husband is from a conservative family, I suggest you bring the elders together for a serious discussion.

1. Make it plain that you are a virtuous woman.
2. Make it plain that your husband is dishonoring you and both of your families with his behavior and that he needs to both stop all communication with this woman and to stop his feelings of 'love" towards her.

He doesn't love the woman - he loves the idea of the chase and the secrecy and the fact that he can't have her. That's not love and he is behaving dishonorably towards you and both of your families. He should be ashamed of himself.

Once an agreement has been reached, I would urge you to forgive his dishonor and put it behind you.

But the agreement must include no more communication between him and this woman - ever - ever -ever again. AND he must no longer even hold her in his memory, much less his thoughts.

I'm sure your families will both agree that he is behaving very badly and needs to do some serious soul-searching about his silly fantasies.

But forgive him. Tell him how hurt you feel that you had to bring your families into your private lives and that he must now win back your trust and belief in him as a good and honorable man.

2007-10-16 07:33:28 · answer #3 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋

I can understand how you feel, you feel you are his second choice and you want to feel like his first choice. Honestly, it really does not sound as if he really was in love with her as you are imagining it to be. We people can be attracted to another person and become close and feel it is love when in fact it really is not. Trust me, if your husband were truly in love with her he would not have forgotten about her and let her go as he did. The way he responded to her email shows even more so how he lost any feelings he thought he had for her. I do feel because of this you need constant reasurance from him that you are the one he loves. Love is based on sharing a life together and if that life is good then love grows. You have a chance for your husband to love you more than she ever could have. Keep talking to your husband about how you feel, ask him for reasurance. You might also benefit from therapy to help you put all of these emotions into the right perspective. Other that all you have said about this other girl, from all indications it does sound as if your husband loves you and puts his marriage with you as a priority. Be happy for that, some women do not even have that. Best of luck to you

2007-10-16 07:59:34 · answer #4 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋

Most people who are in relationships have either been with someone else or have loved someone else. The thing you have to keep in mind is that he married you. He could have broke with tradition, forsaken his family, and married this woman. Love makes people do some crazy things and he very well could have turned that way. But he didn't. He's honorable and now that you are with him and are his wife he has more than put her in his past. Remember that she has tried to contact him not the other way around. He doesn't love her. He loves you. If he didn't he would be contacting her and he wouldn't be talking about his wife and family with her if he wanted to be with her. He was just responding to her to be polite. He didn't want to just ignore her letter. Give him your trust because he's earned it. You have to keep your mind on the positive. He's your husband, not hers. He's given you his heart and he's genuinely happy. Remember, he said he DID love her, not that he DOES love her. Stay positive and don't let your jealousy get in the way of your marriage.

2007-10-16 07:32:22 · answer #5 · answered by Phaylynn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋

You are in trouble. Being from a community densely populated with Muslim, Hindu cultures, arranged marriages can work well with both husband and wife making sacrifices everyday. I've also seen it go horribly wrong. Usually the wife is murdered. (read all that happens in any Vancouver newspaper). Get out. For your life's sake!

2007-10-16 07:36:08 · answer #6 · answered by R B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋

First of all you have to realize when someone is in love there is no changing that. You failed to mention whether or not he loved you. Sounds to me that you want something to be that is not. If it is a loveless marriage than maybe you two should separate. I would heap rather let someone go that I loved rather than to hold on to them knowing good n well that they loved someone else. I know you are hurt and confused. And sometimes when we are hurt we tend not to see clearly. Time and life situations have taught me that no matter what you still have your self respect. My advice to you, separate, this will give you both time enough to clear your heads and give him a chance to truly decide what he really wants, you or the other woman.

2007-10-16 07:33:56 · answer #7 · answered by stepintostep 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋

You are focusing too much energy on her. Take you husband at his word. He sounds like a man of integrity. Live in the love he has for you and not the love he HAD for someone else. Enjoy today instead of making yourself miserable about what is in the past. He loves you and she should not matter.

2007-10-16 07:43:52 · answer #8 · answered by NeeNee 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋

Honey, he chose to marry you. He could had married her but he chose you. I believe you suffer from depression and is making you augment things that you shouldn't. If you keep thinking about it and bringing it up it will wreck your marriage. You cannot cure the past but you can do something about the future. It is up to you if you want him in it. So, for your sake and his sake do not bring old matters up.

2007-10-16 07:35:34 · answer #9 · answered by Pinolera 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋

If you live in the United States let him go,his heart will always belong to you, arranged marriages just arent right... good luck

2007-10-16 07:35:36 · answer #10 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋