If a couple is married . . .?

Question

. . . isn't it a good rule they neither should withhold lovemaking to the other except for good reason?

(1) Good reason: headache (a REAL headache). Bad reason: shampooing hair.

(2) krish59: If one partner is interested in making love and the other doesn't feel like it, should the latter deny the former?

(3) Maybe as written the question is not sufficiently descriptive: I am referring to a couple with an average sex life, and neither makes lovemaking demands on the other that are statistically abnormal (whatever that would be -- but frequency is not a problem to either). By "good reason" I mean any real reason, even being tired, or because you have a headache, or something else you have to do A "bad reason" would be I want to go find something on TV, or I'm upset with you for not taking out the trash.

Answer 1

No person should purposefully deny an unselfish request of their spouse except for valid reasons, which vary depending on the circumstances.

Answer 2

I don't know why a married couple would withhold from each other unless the reason was good. One person may not feel that the other has a good reason but that doesn't make the reason any less valid to the other. I'm straight so I can't speak on the behavior of women in relationships but the men that I have dated have a real tendency to gloss over and/or completely dismiss what I feel are valid issues.

Being together is largely mental for women and if her mind is on, what she sees as a callous disregard for her feelings, you're not getting a thing. Not because you're being punished or things are being intentionally withheld but because she's just not going to be into it and forcing something that you're not into is can be far more detrimental to a relationship than abstinence.

Answer 3

I agree with the first poster, it shouldn't be a reward or punishment.

Outside of that I am yet to be in this situation. I think it's important for the one interested to respect the wishes of the uninterested one, even if they feel the reason isn't real or shouldn't count. At the same time I think the uninterested one should see if they were fine with doing something else that would satisfy the interested one. I'm sure there will be plenty of times where if they are uninterested yet they proceed they'll become interested.

Answer 4

There are no rules in marriage. You are making them as you grow hopefully in the same direction. You are missing something very important in your way of thinking this through: men and women do not see sexual relationship in the same light. To men it is a physical act, has no connection to anything else in your relationship. However, females see it as a part of an emotional and mental connection with you. If your entire relationship is about expectations and arguments, she is not inspired to share an intimacy with you. And at this point, there is nothing you can do about that. To solve this problem you should drop any kind of expectations and conditions and simply love here: accepting her for who she really is. You can also learn to be the very best lover you can be, and she will never stop you from making love to her again.

Answer 5

You mean... should a married person be denied their right to choose whether or not to have sex with their partner??? No, that is considered rape. A husband/wife, is not a sex slave, they are a living breathing human being with emotions, and can deny anyone anything at anytime.
I think that the couple should be in tune with each other enough to know when sex is appropriate between each other and not just 'expect' sex on demand.

Answer 6

There should be an understanding between the couple to respect each other and their wishes. The one partner can not fault the other for not being in the mood. But then again they should not be withholding of sex for punishment or reward. That is juvenile.

Answer 7

As long as sex isn't being used to gain power over your partner, anything can be both a good and a bad reason to have or not have sex within a committed relationship, like marriage.

Sex is a bonding ritual between two people. If one of those two people, male or female, doesn't feel "in the mood" than forcing the issue of sex actually damages the bond instead of strengthing it.

You have mentioned two issues (in response to an answer) and deemed one good and one bad in terms of being reasons to deny sex. Let's look at them individually...

Headache - The endorphins and hormones that are released during sex are actually the world's best natural painkillers. Therefore, you have deemed a natural remedy as being a good reason to deny sex.

Washing - Feeling physically dirty (body, hair, whatever) is a mood killer. If a person feels unclean, than it would be especially difficult to feel sexy and capable of pleasing one's partner. It would be an unsatisfying venture for both parties because neither of them could get into the act if one is distracted by feelings of doubt.

What you seem to essentially be saying (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) is that short of physical malfunctions and/or debilitating issues...partners should never deny one another sexual pleasure. The problem with this thought process is that there are a myriad of reasons why people want to have sex and an equal number of reasons why they don't. Love and commitment are about more than just having an available shag anytime you feel like it. It means having to do things you don't necessarily want to do, sometimes. It means respecting your partner enough to let it go if they don't want to have sex, for any reason.

Attempting to force your partner into sex by saying that their reason for not wanting to is disrespectful, callous, and really quite mean. There have been times that my partner has told me no. He's been too tired, had a bad day and just wanted to be held, something just didn't feel right, the reason doesn't matter. If I had told him that his rational was faulty, that what he said wasn't a good reason to not have sex with me, than I would deserve to get left (divorced in the case of marriage) because what I would actually be saying is that his feelings and by extension of that him as a person, didn't mean enough to me for me to defer my needs to his. He has had to do this for me as well, and his graciousness and honesty show me more about his adoration and care than anything else ever could.

Answer 8

Not feeling like it is a perfectly good reason. Lovemaking should be done when both partners are completely into it.

Answer 9

lovemaking should not be used as reward or 'punishment'

define good reason?

Does a headache qualify? How about having to shampoo my hair?

Answer 10

A very good rule at that and just so you know even if I have a headache I don't refuse my husband; he's the one who shows sympathy for my pain, and I am talking about vicious migraines.
The only time we don't have sex is when I'm on the rag..