Well this is my story my husband and I dated for 6 1/2 yrs he cheated on me once before marriage, we got married in march and he cheated last year in april but he didn't dare to tell me until August of last year. Eventhough it was while we were dating it still hurt allot since he has been my first one and my only boyfriend. He is sorry and i know he is, he is a great husband he treats me like a queen, responsible, hard working man.. i truly can't ask for more. Here is the problem i don't trust him at all, I mean after all the horrible pain he caused by cheating, lying about it and telling me months after, im always thinking he might do it again, eventhough he says he will be very stupid to do so. We have been married for 7 months and we are expecting a baby in January he is very excited and so do I. I think im turning into an obsessive person as im always checking his phone, his email, his phone bill i havent found anything but all this obsessive behavior is not letting us be happy...
2007-10-16 06:26:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No stupid answers please!! this is serious...
2007-10-16 06:34:03 · update #1
Well, first of all, understand that your healing of trusting him again will take time. He needs to definately understand this.
The process to recover your trust will come from both of you.
From him, because he needs to be extra understanding, gentle, open and honest, and never ever hide anything from you.
From you more, because it's your heart that was broken. Know this though, that you are taking the mature, responsible route by staying faithful and committed.
A few things you ought to know, however. If he truly repented, and you truly forgave, then you must NEVER ever bring up the past in his face. To do this will destroy everything he has done to prove his worth to you. It will sabatoge your own relationship. So, in the face of anger or argument, never use your spouse's failures as a weapon. Many couples do this, and never recover.
Also, you definately need to acknowlege all he IS and HAS done to make things up to you. When he goes out of his way to show you he loves you, you absolutely need to acknowlege and reward him.
I always recommend a marraige counselor for both who's gone through infidelity in some way.
Also know this: your marraige is what you make it to be. Your past is your past. Your present is in your hands, and your future is what you make it to be. Make it a great marraige!!
2007-10-16 06:35:33 · answer #1 · answered by splashdesign238 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is natural to not trust after it has been violated that way. Eventually though you are going to have to take some things at face value and stop all of the paranoia. If he gives you a VALID reason to believe that he is messing around again then you can ask him. Outside of that, you are just going to have to trust him if you want this to work out. Don't be so foolish to go ahead and condemn him to make the same mistake twice. The first thing you need to do is quit checking up on him. Let it go, because the fact of the matter is that he probably knows what you are doing to check up on him and if he really wants to cheat on you he will. If he is still with you and is doing everything he can to regain your trust then you need to give it to him. If you don't then he will be the only one trying to add to the relationship while you will be doing nothing but taking away. You are not the bad person here, but you can become it by obsessing. Good luck.
2007-10-16 14:11:37 · answer #2 · answered by No one 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wait. Let me get this straight. You married a guy who had cheated on you? And now you are preggers with this guy?
Yes, you do need help. Try these four from my mom
1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. Choose with your head as well as your heart.
2. Have no children until your bond is strong, and have no more than you yourself can support. You may just have to
3. At any and all costs finish your education to qualify for those high paying jobs. It is likely that you will work sometime during your marriage, probably for decades…. Get paid for it. And remember, your kids and your education are forever…. Husbands, lovers and promises are not!!
4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it. You absolutely will, and the more the better.
How did you do? See if somewhere you can get your life back on track..... your first error was to marry a man who not only was your first bf, but had cheated. Your second was to get preggers before your relationship is solid. I guess if I were you, I'd be back in school fast, and big time, cuz sooner or later you're going to be a single mom..... hopefully with only one kid to support not two or three. Or after this dude leaves you, trying to trap another by a pregnancy to support you... mmmmm dumb.
2007-10-16 13:38:55 · answer #3 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Seriously? You need to get over it. Because if you can't enjoy your time together, focus on being good parents, and work on a good marriage because you're too busy SNOOPING through his emails, cell phone, pants pockets, etc etc., then that's no way to live. You've clearly made your choice, so live with it. You have a baby on the way now. What are you going to do? Wait until your baby is a year old AND THEN decide you want a divorce because you just don't feel like you can trust him? Should have thought about that BEFORE you got married and got pregnant. So again, you need to get over it and focus on the husband that you yourself describe as: great, treats you like a queen, is responsible, hard working, and who is excited to be a daddy.
2007-10-16 13:36:38 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is tough lady. You probably should get some counseling to find out why he's cheating and address any issues that come up. You guys have a baby on the way who deserves every advantage he or she can get by having a healthy parental unit. You will forgive, but never forget his infidelities. However, an honest and open attempt at getting at the root of his cheating could prove to be the best thing for your new marriage and family.
2007-10-16 13:44:12 · answer #5 · answered by Laura G 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This man was not married to you when he "cheated!" He was free to do what he chose to do, as were you. It is ridiculous for you to continue with these past hurts, after the man has established his love for you in marriage. You are like a lot of foolish women who sit around and live in the past. You have a good man who is trying to be a decent husband and father to his child. Instead of you appreciating that, you're upset because you couldn't control ever facet of his single life. You're fooling him and only him. You have control issues, which means you're not turning into an obsessive person; you've been that way all of the time. If you continue with this behavior, you are going to end up alone, because your man is eventually going to figure you out, girlfriend!
2007-10-16 13:41:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
If you knew he was a cheater why marry him or better yet why get pregnant by him all the signs were there but you moved forward in the relationship i guess you're stuck with your decision now that you have a baby on the way.. Find out what is missing that makes him cheat and work on that.
2007-10-16 13:44:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
you need to talk to a counselor about your fears because he seems to be very good but you have to learn to trust him. he really didn't cheat on you as much as just go out with someone else before you were married. Now that he made that commitment to you, you have to accept that he made the choice and be happy.or no matter how good he may be or you may drive him away and there are a lot of women who would love to have a man like yours in their lives as well.
congratulations on the baby!!
2007-10-16 13:50:48 · answer #8 · answered by Al B 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
The past is past... let it go.
You are going to drive yourself crazy, and you will destroy your marriage by constantly checking up on your husband. Make a promise to yourself and to your husband --- that if he ever cheats on you again, then the marriage is over. You can't stop someone from cheating on you if that's what they really want to do. So stop trying to control what you have no ability to control. You're married now, forget the past and let your husband start with a clean slate.
2007-10-16 13:59:30 · answer #9 · answered by mt75689 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You couldn't ask for more? Some one who would respect your marriage and not cheat on you would be something to ask for. Trust is broken, he has done nothing to EARN it from before you got married. All you need to know is this:
This isn't your fault, it is HIS issue
Do not let your baby grow up to see this type of behavior is acceptable
Be true to yourself, you deserve better
2007-10-16 13:46:59 · answer #10 · answered by Brownie 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋