Am I being selfish?

Question

My boyfriend and me have been together for 1.5 years, and we're both juniors in college. He wants to live with one of his guy friends from high school. I wouldn't have a problem with that except for the fact that his guy friend drinks alot and doesn't seem to have alot of respect for women. My boyfriend says, "that's just how he is." And he also tells me that if he lived with him it wouldn't affect him and me either. I'm just afraid that it would because his guy friend drinks ALOT. My boyfriend only drinks with him. Also, his friend never looks me in the eye, and my boyfriend says that's because he knows I have morals and he doesn't want to do somethin to offend me. He also cusses all the time in front of me. I tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but he get really defensive about his friend. Suggestions? I don't want to be a ***** about it, but the idea makes me uncomfortable.

My boyfriend and me don't live together, we just go to the same school but he would get an apartment with him away from school.

Answer 1

Your not being selfish and you have valid points.

Answer 2

Hi Shy Girl,

Well yes, you are being selfish BUT it's a good thing. A relationship isn't always about your significant other, it has to be about you too. And it sounds like you're trying, but he isn't. You have to be selfish, think about you and what makes you happy. Being in college is about YOU! No one else.

I read an earlier question by you about having fun in college. Listen, my first year of college, I had a lot of acquaintances, but not many friends, because I had a girlfriend and I isolated myself. And I'm afraid you're doing the same thing. You can't isolate yourself because of your boyfriend. Maybe you two should take a break and see how it works out. Do your own thing for a while, that's the only way you can really get the whole college experience. I love this year of college, I have a lot of friends and I'm having so much fun, maybe too much fun

You need to do things for yourself, especially at this time of your life. Everyone WILL accept you for you, trust me. Don't be shy, you can fit into any group of friends, trust me. But don't change for others, keep your values and morals, trust me, you'll be better off.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Considering you are only dating, unfortunately the only thing you can do is keep trying to persuade you boyfriend into not sharing an apartment with this person. Try explaining the the reality side of this to your boyfriend that pointing out that nothing good can come from this. Maybe the friends drinking could become a problem and he may not be able to assume his responsibilities( such as rent). As is will also put a wedge in your relationship.
No you aren't being selfish! Would this boyfriend like for you to live with someone that is promiscuous, and had all sorts of people coming and going in your apartment??

Answer 4

Ok, call me crazy but why aren't you two discussing possibly moving in together? If you are both juniors in college, you are almost finished and you have been dating long enough to take the next step. It doesn't seem as if he is taking your relationship as serious as you are. He's moving in with someone that seems will only get him into trouble and he doesn't say anything except "that's just how he is." That's not acceptable if you ask me.

I would ask him a few questions:

1) How long does he intend on living with this guy? Have you guys discussed moving in together one day? If not, I would be concerned.
2) Does he really, truly believe this guy isn't going to have any type of influence on your relationship if he has no respect for woman?
3) How can he have respect for someone that doesn't have respect for you, let alone live with him.

Answer 5

You need to realize that you cannot control or change anyone. He is his own person. It will be a mistake for you to get involved in this situation. If he asks you how you feel about, then tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. Leave it at that.

Your boyfriend gets defensive because you are not respecting him. This is his friend. You either except it or move on. You need to back off.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

Your boyfriend is an adult and he should be able to control his own behavior no matter where he lives. I wouldn't say you were being selfish but I would say you are being a bit controlling. I appreciate the fact that he consults you on these big decisions but if he feels that moving in with this guy won't effect him any than I would say you have to respect that decision.

The fastest way to run a guy off is to try to separate him from his friends and control his every move. You don't have to like them yourself but you do have to deal with the fact that they are your BF's friends. I would tread lightly.

Answer 7

How are you being selfish, you have a set of morals and values and you surround yourself with people who are the same. The fact that your bf wants to live with a guy who's morals and values are so different from yours shows that he either hasn't learned how to stand up for himself, or he's not the guy you thought he was.

You can 'forbid' him to move in with this guy, but why do you want to have to 'train' your man, wouldn't you be better off with someone who views the world like you do, who automatically sees the potential issues just like you do? To chose to live with someone who drinks so heavily and lacks respect for women shows that his values aren't where yours are, he has poor decision making abilities, and he lacks respect for you.

I say time to dump the bf and move on. He either has values or he doesn't, and actions speak much louder than words. His actions show that he lacks values.

Answer 8

If your boyfriend wants to move in with a friend that you don't approve of, then who are you to tell him he can't? Does that sound like the kind of a relationship either of you really wants to be in? A relationship where he's only allowed to do things that YOU approve of? Bottom line is that if you were more of a priority to him, he would do what's best for your relationship. If he moves in with this guy knowing that you're not particularly pleased with the whole idea, then at least you'll know where you stand with him.

Answer 9

First of all, if this guy is cursing in front of you, he doesn't fear your or respect you. You may feel uncomfortable but it is your boyfriend's life and he is going to do what he wants to do. It almost sounds like you two aren't well suited for one another but from the limited information I have that is just my opinion. If you try to control the situation he may just dump you...if he starts exhibiting behaviors you are not happy with, let him know, if he tries to consider your feelings things are probably pretty good between you, but if continues to do whatever he wants...it is time to find a new BF.

Answer 10

No I don't think you are being selfish. You have good reasons to be concerned. Everyone to some extent becomes more like the person they spend the most time with. I would just let him do it and if you notice changes in him point them out to him and try to talk to him about. Make sure that his friend is always respectful and that your bf makes him be respectful to you. There is not a lot you can do if your bf wants to do this he more than likely will so just be patient and remember everything happens for a reason.

Answer 11

Let your boyfriend be, he'll grow up in his own time. Enjoy him for now. If he begins to act like his friend, break up with him. He is friends with that guy for a reason, i'de wager a good bet that your boyfriend and his friend are not too different when you are not around. Birds of a feather flock together