What can a person with an alcoholic loved one do?

Question

While I'm aware that the alcoholic has to want to change themselves, what can I do in the mean time without pressuring or enableing them? (short of leaving?) I'm at my wits' end!!

Answer 1

find an alanon group in your area. they are a terrific support system for people who are in your situation. it's often hard for the non alcoholic to understand the thought process of an alcoholic--and really, their thought process is not the same as ours. the need to drink has changed them so they can protect it at all costs. remember tho, this is a medical disease. if and when you do talk to your loved one about the drinking, be careful not to make it about them. in other words, try not to make them feel like it's a personal failure or a weakness of theirs. your loved one is not a bad person, it is the disease that is bad. So, talk about how bad the disease has gotten and not how bad the person is.

Answer 2

You can do an intervention where a counselor and a group of family members confronts him and tries to get him to go to treatment.
You need a counselor yourself at this point to talk to about this. Also, Al-Anon might be helpful. I went to a couple of their meetings though and everyone was just talking about their parents and I couldn't relate, because my parents were teetotalers.

Also, some people might call you an enabler and put the blame on you, instead of being sympathetic and helpful. I agree that it is helpful to take charge of your problems, however I don't think the blame-shifting thing is helpful. The alcoholic is responsible for the harm he causes, not you. You need to take care of yourself through all this. Don't go down with him. Take care of your own health and sanity first.

It is not true that the alcoholic has to want to change first. Newer research shows that people who are forced into treatment do just as well as those who voluntarily go into treatment. However, people often relapse.

Courts and families often force people into treatment and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Some people go through relapse several times before finally maintaining sobriety. Don't wait and be a victim. You are doing the right thing by asking questions about this. If you wait for him to come around, you will be waiting for a long time and building up resentment the whole time.

Get a counselor- research the idea of an intervention. Take care of yourself. Get support- friends, family, church, counselor, Al-Anon, etc.

Best wishes to you.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

I agree the your first priority is to seek support for yourself. Al anon is a fantastic resource for people with alcoholic loved ones. Or, if you're uncomfortable with a group setting, see a councillor or therapist. There are also web-based support groups out there for those comfortable with that venue--just google it and you'll find loads!

I also recommend that you purchase the "Big Book" of Alcoholic's Anonymous. It is a book for alcoholics in recovery, but it will provide you with much-needed insight into the way the alcoholic thinks.

Whatever support you choose, you will need to learn to set and keep boundaries; defining and communicating what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from your loved one. If he/she crosses those boundaries, have set responses prepared to show that the behaviour simply will not be tolerated.

You may not be able to change the alcoholic; but you can change yourself. And, it truly helps when you know your own lines in the sand and and you stay firm to them.

All the best to you... stay strong and stay true to yourself!

Answer 4

Dear there is nothing that you can do that will change them.
I know it's difficult but sometimes the only thing you can do is go. My mom is not only an alcoholic but an abusive alcoholic and when she started in with her games on my wife I cut all the lines. She keeps trying to contact us but there is no change in her lifestyle except a new boyfriend or drinking buddy.
I know you still love yours I do mine but Even when they say that you hate them it's they that must change themselves and ain't nothing that we can do but hope or pray for them. Rick

Answer 5

Go to Al-anon and heal yourself. An alcoholic is by nature of the disease self-centered there for you are very likely neglected. Considerable relief comes from understanding your loved one is sick rather than flawed at the core and that you are not alone. Also seeing someone you love take care of themselves sometimes motivates us to look inside. Maybe you going to Al-anon will prompt your friend to look at A. A.

Answer 6

You can't help those who won't help themselves. If any changes have to be done, it must begin with him making the first move. Maybe he has been told by the docs that its too late and therefore has taken on this ugly attitude, but there's no reason for you to have to put up with this ignorance.

Answer 7

rational recovery.org.....get the facts and don't play into this disease lie. Drunks love to call their behaivor a disease because it makes it morally neutral, and it gives them a way to dignify their deplorable behavior and also opens the door for "the addiction treatment industry" to steal millions every year for services that produce no results. and understand this- THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE THAT HAS EVER PUT HABITUAL DRUNKENNESS IN THE SAME CATEGORY AS A DISEASE, and the only ones keep saying it probably have something to gain from the lie.

Answer 8

Go to Al-Anon!!!! (or Alateen if you are younger). It's the #1 best resource for people with alcoholic family members.

Answer 9

Ther is not much you can do, other than to leave. they only get progressively worse. Take my word for it. 12 years of putting up with it thinking that he would change. He only got worse, and I wasted 12 years of my life that I can't get back!!!!