how to prove shes got a new partner?

Question

my ex and i are split 4 years and going through complex divorce. She is trying to con me out of the house or at least my agreed 35% of it.
I need to cover myself and (without boring you with a myriad of complex facts) need to prove that her new partner is providing for her.
I had no problem with him til he started to intefere with my kids(live with ex)
he has his own house 30miles away but during an argument (about him leaving my kids alone) he rambled on about how he was bringing money into the house and being 'guardian' to my kids etc.
she (the ex) has been scumming off the benefits system since we split (4years) but somehow has a new car, new leather sofas, new washing machine/fridge freezer/dishwasher etc
when wewere together we wernt exactly rich and still had the donated sofas from freinds and family when we married.

we have the decri nisi but the mortgage co. wont take me off it cos she doesnt work. the agreement (mediation) we have is i get 35% charge of the property'

cant afford a private investigator.
what do i legaly need to find out, to prove she has a new partner.
she leaves the kids with her mum EVERY weekend to go off with her new man, i only get them sundays
he sleeps there often but not enough to say he's moved in
please help ... im getting the shaft here ... if i could just get a small flat or something then my kids could come to me at the weekends.
all i can afford after paying for her lifestyle is a room in shared acoomodation.... not suitable to bring my kids to overnight

the marriage just broke down ... constant arguing and the kids were suffering for it ... the last 2 years of the marriage i was on the sofa
there were no third parties involved
i left with all the debts a bed and my computer ... thats it

william ... id love to leave her alone
id love to never see her again but i have two kids to bring up and i was told by mediation all i get is 35%
she has the kids ... i have a penis ... therfore i get shafted ... ever been through a divorce ????

carrie
not angry at all
certainly not jealous, i happen to have a very wonderful girlfreind ... why do you all think i need to get over it ... I HAVE i couldnt care less about her ... but my kids i do care about and getting legaly and financialy shafted i care about hence the question ... duh!
so if you could stop brining your own insecurities about your own relationships into the fray and read the question properly that would be great
cheers

Answer 1

Hello Doc. My answer is not an emotional rant or even an absolute solution as such, rather it's about helping you understand that you might indeed need to give up and accept what happens will happen, it's the figting that makes you sad, in the end. Unlike some of the advice I've seen from others I have indeed been through a divorce and, as an extreme example, it serves to illustrate there's little point you fighting this. My ex had an affair, got me thrown out, left me with £37k debt, took 100% (yes, really) of our equity and moved her man in - he's an unemployed builder (= working for cash whilst claiming dole) and she had to give up work to look after our daughter (= mug here has to pay for everything, inlcusing her new lifestyle and our 'joint debts'). Cut a long story short, I end up on street living in car working two jobs and go bankrupt after debts she continues to role in amount to nearly £100k. After 6 years my credit rating is shot to peices despite being a big earner and I cannot even have a debit card or normal bank account. I'm not going to give the ladies out there any hints how my ex managed this but it's pretty easy and any half decent lawyer representing a woman in the UK can do it - thank god the vast majority of women are decent and would never dream of doing such a thing. Mind you, a woman scorned and all that ;-) It's taken me 6 years with counselling to get over it and a great second wife who has shown me not all women act like my ex. I'm now quite happy and settled but it still hurts, the amnount of damage done to our kids in the process. thats what i see when i look back and the basis for my advice to you now. To get to the point, I used to focus on trying to prove what she was doing and why, how imoral it all was and you know what - no one and especially the courts gave a damn. This is how it is in the UK today for men. The trick is to marry the right person - a lesson so many of us live to learn. Sigh... Although I might not share the reasoning of some others here I do think the advice of moving on (I mean that kindly) is good, there's very little to be gained from proving your objective (that he's moved in or paying for stuff) as she's entitled to it all in any case if her lawyer uses a 'common catch all' that exists in UK law. Be happy by letting go, assume you'll get nothing and be pleasently surprised when you might get something. Lastly, your kids will never forget dad stayed in there and carried on supporting them no matter what was thrown at him, ignore the principle and the unfair way in which this burdon might be handled - they will get it and thank you for it when this all over and largely forgotten.

Answer 2

im a little confused..you say you have 35%charge, was this drawn up as part of the divorce settlement or just agreed in principle at mediation? is the charge to be executed now or at a later date? is it when she forms a new relationship?

I will assume that, she has to sell the house if she gets a live in partner and she doesnt want to so is claiming he doesnt live there? i maybe wrong but if thats not the case im not sure what the problem is?

It will be quite difficult to prove he lives there, because he owns his own property or that he contributes unless its straight into her bank and even then you can only report suspicions as you cant get access to her bank accounts.

Im afraid as angry as you are with the situation, there is not a lot you can do. The only action is to petition the court to have the charge brought forward and state your case of not being able to provide a home for the kids to visit if you are not removed from the mortgage. it is quite unusual these days for women to get to keep the house until the kids are grown without the man agreeing to it. you have left it quite late though as the divorce is almost final. i would get to my solicitor fast to see what you can do. unfortunately the court will look at her income(benefits) to decide whether she can provide a suitable new home with her 65% if this is unlikely she will probably be awarded a bigger percentage. if she is keeping the house till the kids reach 18 then selling it and giving you 35%, unless she has taken over all the mortgae payments, you should get 50%.

it sounds like you have not had very good legal advice, and you need to get some fast.
good luck

Answer 3

I think the only legal way is to get the documentation for the new goods she has, which a solicitor may be able to arrange. It will show how it is being paid for.

If her incomings are less than her outgoings (i.e. lump sums have appeared in her bank account which aren't accountable for via the DSS, to meet payments, or there are large cash payments every month towards debts, or his debit card is being used for her utilities or any other bills) then you may have a case.

Get some free legal advice - I think you can get half an hour free here in the UK and there's always legal aid.

The only other way is to inform the DSS, who will investigate her living arrangements (he can only stay overnight 3 times a week) and ask for her to disclose her bank statements and explain how she funds her lifestyle. That's taking a much harder line, because she may end up being done for fraud, which will rebound on your children's welfare.

Start with your local Citizen's Advice Bureau. It's free and they are impartial and have lots of legal aid solicitors that they can recommend.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Your rambling on about how your getting screwed left and right. Usually that is a sign of jealousy, mister. Apparently if this is the way you were when you two were together, I wouldnt blame her for wanting a divorce. She has moved on. Apparently you havent. You mention a few things that I am curious about......why, if you are such an upstanding man, do you only get your kids on sundays? maybe thats why she has to take them to her mothers house. She deserves to have "time off also". Are you paying child support? In some places you would be considered LUCKY to get as much as 35% of the house. Especially when children are involved. Your mad because you left with your bills and computer and now she seems to be doing fine.

Answer 5

If you truly think she is swindling the benefit system then the only way I can see that you can do this is to report her as being a benefit cheat and tell them what her partner told you about bringing money into the house. They will decide if there is enough proof.

Just out of interest, how would it help you out to report her, or is it just a case of getting one over on her cos she's pi**ed you off? I don't mean to be rude i'm genuinely interested!

Answer 6

Actually this situation seems very complicated & even convoluted.My advice to you is to seek firstly advice from your cities citizens advice bureau( if its available in your country..)
If you can afford it get a friendly lawyer .
But b4 you make any real allegations make sure you have good evidence.
But it mite be better to accept the fact that you are divorced over 4 years as you say ----------------and she has made a new life . you would be better- off moving on keep in touch with your kids and / or / take them over.
find a new partner and move on -- no sense in living in th past many marriages do fail -even up to 50%!!
I found its better to cuts ones losses & move on!! furniture / cars / beds are just chattels you can buy these cheap pre used . or cheap from discount ware houses . happiness needs a bigger effort! Good luck!!( seriously does it add -one iota to your happiness if she has one - two - or 3 partners ?? i wouldnt ink so??

Answer 7

if kids are involved and the kids stay with your ex, she will get 2/3rds of the house and you 1/3rd...get her to put the house on the market as you want your share, and dont even live with a woman...6 months' you are classed as common-law partners. If she doesn't work her share will come in handy and she can go live with this other guy in his house, i can nearly guarantee that or if she mentions living at his place, you wont see him for dust.....your decision, but ive been there, and solicitors dont come cheap either!

Answer 8

this is a a easy one my friend all you have to do is report her discreetly to department of work and pensions , let the social services know that she is busy with her current partner and leaves the kids without notice of letting you know , also let social know that he is interfering with yr upbringing of the kids , dnt feel sorry for her , use the internet and fall back on us for support be a ***** man like women normally do , nad watch and see how she likes a taste of her own medicine , bro , do not feel down , you aint got time for that fight back yr , well seem like a cool guy

Answer 9

There is nothing that you or the government can do if he is giving her gifts. She is not obligated to work, expecially if she has children to care for. The other 65% of the house goes to her and the kids regardless of what he is doing to help them. He is not married to her, and he certainly has no responsibility to support your children.

Answer 10

money is just money, I KNOW WE ALL NEED ALL WE CAN GET, but this woman is using that to make u miserable. i would go back to court get my kids and go on living, do u really want to fight this woman for the rest of ur life? i know it sounds harsh but move on and forget all you've lost, there's more to life than letting some ***** control ur life!