How do I know the difference between a TRAUMATIZED child & just BAD BEHAVIOR? read more?

Question

My daughters are 10 & 11 yrs old. On 12/26/06, they were trapped in a house fire at their paternal grandparents house. The 10 yrs old jumped out of a window, straight into fire and sustained 3rd degree burns on both her arms and a little on her face. The 11 yrs old was unconscious and had to be revived by the fire department. The grandfather unfortunately died of his burn injuries one month later.
QUESTION: We are trying to help them adjust. Sometimes I just don't know when they are "acting out" and being rude and disobedient if this part of the traumatization or being 10 and 11 yrs old??!! They are in therapy and have been alot in their little years (physical abuse, etc. from the father's side). I am just hopeing that some one can say something to me tonight to help me better, and more calmly deal with them. I love them dearly and only want the best. I don't want to be too hard on them; but neither do i want them to run-amuck!

sometimes their acting-out is in the form of I HATE YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE, etc. I cry alot when they do this; because I do EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, for them!

thank you ALL for your answers. i read them all THOROUGHLY; and will do my best to apply them. Sometimes I think I DO TOO MUCH for them; and it is draining for me and not emotionally healthy for them either.

Answer 1

This is a tough one.
My heart goes out to you and your family.

It can be difficult to find that delicate balance between helping and "enabling"

There are many things to think about in this situation. Your daughters have been through a physical and emotional trauma that may take years to overcome...but kids are resilient.

Their medical treatments and therapies will be long and hard and no one can do the work for them if they are to progress.
The same can be said for their emotional recovery. They are undoubtedly angry. Angry at the world. Angry at themselves and yes...angry at you.
You try so hard to do everything for them....but you can't change the past. You can't go back in time and protect them. You can't take away the pain and the memories.
You can't make it better.

In a way you are most likely trying to do all of those things...by overcompensating and doing "everything" for them. But you have to stop.
You can support them, you can pick up the slack on a bad day, you can empathize(don't sympathize)
But do not: do things for them that they can do for themselves,
allow their anger to affect the way you parent them, or allow your guilt to affect the way you parent them.

When they are in pain....you give them pain meds so they can get through their rehab and you let them know you are there with them.

Think of the anger as an expression of their emotional pain. There aren't any pain meds...but you still let them know that you are there with them.

all you can say is "I know this is tough"

But you still have to be their parent.
Expecting less from them than they are physically or emotionally capable of is not helpful in the long run.
Getting through this is supposed to be hard.
With the right attitude, you can help them to grow stronger from their experiences.

With the wrong one......you might set them up for a life of emotional dependency.

Which one do you think they would thank you for in the end?

You can do this.

I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Maybe part of the problem is that you're not in therapy with them. I'm saying that once in a while you should have a family session. That way the girls would feel freer to tell you what;s on their mind with out having to worry about your reaction because a therapist would be there to over see everything, And it might not be a bad idea to get some therapy for yourself. You have a lot of things on your mind also who do you talk to?? You don't say anything about where you vent when things go wrong, and when you're feeling guilty and if you tell me that you don't feel a little guilty I won't believe you! I have three children and I know when they've gotten hurt I've felt guilty about not being there to help prevent it from happening. It might be best for a time if the whole family was in therapy to help all of you to deal with the repercussions from the fire and any other trauma that they might have experinced in their lives.

Answer 3

I believe that at least part of this could be trauma. You don't go through experiences like that and come out unscathed. Is the bad behaviour a constant thing? Do you feel like they are trying to distance themselves from people around them, especially you? Do they behave this way a lot with no acceptable reason? If you answered yes to these questions then i think that it is a safe bet to say that at least most of their bad behavior comes from the trauma, if not it is probably mostly just childish behaviour. However, either way you have to deal with the situation carefully because it sounds like they could be fragile.
First, I would suggest that you go talk to their counsillor alone. He should be able to inform you on how the are dealing with the trauma and how you can help.
Next, maybe some joint counsilling sessions between the three of you would be a good idea. If they are reacting well to the counsilling they are getting at the moment this will not be a big change for them and might strengthen your relationship with them.
Lastly, whatever they do always be firm but kind. Even if this is a reaction to trauma, and if it is you will have to be very careful about this, they cannot grow up getting away with this behaviour or it will just make the situation worse. Punish them but never lose your temper. Don't yell back at them no matter what. Always speak in a calm, even voice. If they are yelling, just wait for them tyo finesh before you speak because or else you will be tempted to yell back. If you really feel yourself losing your temper, walk away and come back in 5 minutes when you feel more under contro. Most importantly, at the end of every punishment ( I would suggest time-out in their room as this gives them time to think and cool off) talk to them. Tell them you love them no matter what, tell them what they did wrong and why it hurt you and ask them why they did what they did and how they feel. This will give all of you the chance to express your feeling lovingly and let them know that you are there while stregthening your relationships. If they won't talk, walk away, give them more time and come back later.
Another way to help prevent this kind of situation happening is to get them involved with other kids their age. Join them in a music class, a sports team, an art class, something for them to do that they love and can do with other kids. If they are traumatised this will give them a good chance to develop bonds with lots of other people, not just you, and will give them something to focus on and goals to aim for.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

a lot of times , when a child has been through a traumatic experience, the adults that care for them afterwards wind up giving them a LOT of leniency to try to compensate for what they have been through - unfortunately this leniency only weakens them and allows them to use their trials as an excuse to walk all over people.

Children absolutely need boundaries, no matter what they have been through- "acting out " is never appropriate.
These children might need a little extra attention and emotional care but what they do not need is a bending of the rules and allowance for what is truly wrong.
Boundaries and discipline not only help to create a safe and secure environment for a child, but it makes them stronger and more able to handle adversity.

How many young people are in jail for armed robbery, drug abuse, assault, etc and the stats are that they have been through traumatic experiences when they were younger (abuse, divorce, disaster, etc.)?
How many have been through adversity and are successful, well adjusted , productive citizens. The difference is that those who are well adjusted never had anyone substitute "comfort" for accountability.
What these kids have been through is terrible and I really feel for them, but other than counseling and an extra assurance of security , they should be trated the same as any other child as far as rules and discipline go. There is never an excuse for disrespect. They need to understand that disrespect will not be tolerated and there will be swift disciplinary measures taken- whatever you decide will be the consequences, all adults involved in caring for these kids need to be in agreement and need ot be consistent. They may show more anger and rebellion at first but after a while, if done in love - the discipline will go a long way in helping to raise strong, secure andproductive young people

Answer 5

It is highly likely that the behaviors you mentioned are manifestations of their trauma. From the perspective of these kids, adults are not trustworthy. Family members physically abuse them, and you aren't even safe in your own home (the fire). IN the girls' worldview - NOTHING is safe. Nothing can be counted upon, and words are just words.

They have been through SO much loss and terror, and some of that at the hands of an adult who should have loved them (family members who physically abused them).

Abuse survivors will test those who claim to love them. They may go so far as to tell the person they hate them, just to see if their professed hatred would mean that you don't love them anymore.

It's going to be tough.

These kids have been through a lot.

It might be a good idea for you all to be family therapy (if you're not already). Having them in individual therapy only isn't going to be enough.

You could also use some support for yourself. Find a good parenting group (the girls' therapist might be able to provide you some guidance with this).

Hang in there,
~M~

Answer 6

Bless your heart! I understand. I, too, am raising traumatized kids. They were abused at 11 & 9. Their therapists told us that the most important thing would be for them to have consistant boundaries and that they would test them. I have laid in bed at night and cried because I felt like a dog for staying on their cases all day. But, now at 16 & 18 I am truly seeing the fruits of my labor. They are "suddenly" maturing and becoming responsible and trustworthy.

It is not ok for them or you for them to speak to you that way. One of my stepdaughters told me once that since her mother wasn't here I had to pay for her being molested. I told her that I would not. I had only been good to her and would never leave her but I would not be punished for what someone else did. I then asked her would she like to be grounded everytime one of her 3 sisters disobeyed. She got it.:)

Keep them in counseling. God bless their baby hearts they've been thru a lot. It will be hard but it WILL be worth it. They will love and respect you more than you know. Keep it mind it will take a while before you see that respect.

I am praying for you all.

Answer 7

Sounds like bad behavior to me. They are old enough to know that they got it on you, and will use it to there advantage. Children need correction. My kids never went throw none of that stuff, and they still told me that they hated me. I never paid no Attn to it I just said thank you I love you and that is why you are going to mind me.I would talk to them sit down and talk. Let them tell you why they hate you. Try to find out from them what is going on inside there head, Make them mind you but at all times let them know they are loved at the same time.That you are only doing what you do because it is the best for them in the long run.My mom used to tell me come here I am going to whip your a** because I love you. She call them love leeks. I did not know than but I do now they really was

Answer 8

It sounds rough, on the kids , and you.

since they are already in therapy, their therapist should be able to tell you specific , individual things about their acting out vs. their trauma effect - way more specifically than we can.

Answer 9

traumatized: crying, depressive, verbally irrate, emotional


Bad behavior: taking everything for granted, laziness, not listening, lying, staying out all night and day, verbally abusive, physically abusive


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Answer 10

Some of this is regular behavior for that age. Some sounds like they are taking advantage of the fact that you feel guilty. What does their therapist say?