Am I a normal wife?

Question

I stay at home...I clean and take care of my two little girls, but my husband is always gone. When I tell him about it he tells me it is all in my head. We dont have alot of time to talk but I just wonder if it is normal to be scared to leave. We have a good life except that he is never here. We have a roof over our heads. We always have food to eat and a little extra sometimes. I almost feel like it would be selfish of me to leave when nothing is really wrong. He isnt here and when I tell him he just iqnores it. I really dont get a brake and planned on putting the girls in day care for 2 days for about 2 hours to just get enough time to do the little things I dont really get to do. I think I am scared because I know it will be hard to leave and have to go to work everyday and put the girls in daycare everyday. Also is this normal?? Do other women feel this way???

Answer 1

I can't believe the poor advise Kay_floo gave you!!!

You didn't bring those kids into the world by yourself....You and your husband did! This is 2007! Why isn't he with the family? Why doesn't he change diapers and cook dinner once in a while?

You are not married to the house and children. You are married to a man who has chosen to leave all the household responsibilities to you. You are suppose to be a family. Not just a hotel where he comes to sleep and shower.

What good will it do the children if you decide to stay with their father. They never see him. If you were divorced, at least he would be forced to see them on weekends.

I put up with this same situation until I got sick and tired of it. I now have a man who works hard at his job, but he still makes time for me.

It's the little things that count. Making coffee for me in the mornings, relieving me from the household choirs once in a while, changing my tire, holding me when I am scared and worried. Talking over problems together, and coming up with a solution together.

These things are important in a marriage.....and yes, sex.

To answer your original question" Yes, it is scarely to leave. But it is not nearly as hard as what you are putting up with now.

The Child support laws have really gotten tough over the past few years. It is almost impossible for Fathers to not pay this obligation anymore. The courts really crack down on them.

So, with child support and a part time job...I did just fine. I made a secure home for my three children, and life was so much more pleasent.

Answer 2

I would like to suggest that you are probably lonely and feel a little isolated because your husband is not home much.

It may be a good idea if you can investigate whether there is a "mothers group" in your area .......you would then have a chance to meet other "working mothers" who are in the same position as you , they can give you the support you need and help alleviate any fears or separation anxiety you may have about leaving your girls and about returning to work, as well as your girls will get the chance to socialize with other children of working mothers.

Going back to work will , in the long run, be wonderful for your self esteem and your relationship.
You will probably also have ask your husband for a bit more help around the house too.....though from what you have said above he doesn't seem very supportive at the moment, but, that may change when he observes a happier you!

Good luck!

Answer 3

There is no such thing as normal really since everyone is different. Does he tell you where he goes or just disappear?
You should put a little money aside each week to have a cushion in case you do decide that marriage is not working out but try to talk to him or get you to go to counseling with you and if the point comes you feel you have to leave, file for divorce and change the locks on the door and make him leave instead. you will get the house and child support to help you make it. He may even have another wife and child somewhere else if he is gone all the time

Answer 4

what's troubling in your question is your husband's response. "it's all in your head", as if that doesn't matter, when in fact it's in his WIFE'S head, and should matter more than most things to him. If you want to save your marriage, let him know how you truly feel, and do your best to get a real response from him. It's possible he's so busy bringing home all the money the family needs, that he's getting a bit cloudy about how important you truly are to him. Maybe you can discuss ideas on how to steal a few hours to be a couple again. We can hope, but keep in mind, that your most important role now is as a mother, and those kids need a happy balanced mother as well. so care for yourself too!
I wish you well.

Answer 5

Why is he never home? You need to talk to him and tell him that he needs to be home more and that you need a break. Everyone needs time for themselves. Tell him that when you need to talk about things that he needs to listen with an open mind. Him saying that it is in your head it rude. It is not in your head and he has already shut off any outside ideas on the matter. He needs to listen to your needs and try to meet them. It is normal to be afraid to leave and have all of that responsibility on your own. Look at it this way. You already have all of that responsibility and you are not happy. You can make yourself happy and you can find someone else that will care about your feelings and happiness. If he refuses to listen and continues to not care I would leave. Having a roof over your head is not all you need from a spouse. Good luck and you can achieve anything that you set your mind to.

Answer 6

I don't think you should leave... I think you are just lonely and need some adult attention and I don't mean sex.... You need adult conversation and adult time... You need to talk to your husband.. Tell him that you miss him, that at the very least you would like to have a date night. One night a week, every other week, or once a month, whatever works, for the two of you, just you two, to go out and enjoy each other company.
My husband works all the time, at least 50 hours a week and I am a stay at home wife, no kids yet. And I do get lonely, miss him and wish he were home more or could just help out more. It is bound to happen, you are just lonely.

Answer 7

It is positively terrifying to think about leaving a marriage and starting over, especially with children. The marriage feels safe, and structured and the children are taken care of.

You wonder can I make it on my own, give my children the things they need? Am I being selfish?

But what about love? What about your needs? If is not there much where is he? Who is fulfilling his needs if he is never home? Don't you deserve love?

I stayed in my marriage the first time for 20 years. I did not have children but I did believe in the sanctity of marriage. I felt it was my duty to stay and make it work. My husband was never home, he did not want me sexually - something I found out after we were married. He did not want children - something else I found out after we were married. I did not work for much of our married life and I let my husband convince me that no one else would want me. I was terrified of spending the rest of my life alone so I stayed.

It finally reached the point where I decided I would rather be lonely living alone than be lonely and miserable living with him so I upped and packed my bags and left renting myself a little one bedroom apartment.

I felt such relief and contentment the first night I slept in that apartment and I never looked back. He was furious because he lost his housekeeper but I did not let him talk me into coming back.

Then at the ripe old age of 41 I met a man who has turned out to be the love of my life. We have been married 7 1/2 years now and I finally know what it is like to be loved and cherished.

Good luck with your decision but don 't let fear keep you from finding a life and love.

Answer 8

you're just in a rutt. sounds like you two need some alone time. Plan a weekend either away somewhere, or just home alone without the girls. Even though you have all the nessesities to a good life, you still need that emotional bond between you and your husband. have a date one night- go to dinner and do something fun just the two of you. Tell him you need some attention, give him some attention too.

Answer 9

I think you should let him know how serious you are, and set aside a time and place where this could be discussed without distractions. It doesn't sound like he's taking you seriously and if you are serious enough to contemplate leaving him, he needs to know. If worse comes to worse and you feel it's the best for you to leave, there are so many places that will help you stand on your own feet, don't worry about that too much right now.

Answer 10

Everyone feels that way now and then. Why not put the kids in day care a few extra hours and find yourself a job. Trust me.....taking a break from home and working will do wonders for you and your marriage.