The situation is this: We live together. The initial understanding was that we were going to have at lease one child together. (He already has a daughter by another woman.) After almost one year of living together he says that he's sorry but he doesn't want to bring another child into this world. He did this knowing that I may leave. This man is not only the man I love and my finance but he is my partner. I don't know if I should settle and never have a child of my own or leave him and risk never having a partner or love like this again.
2007-10-15 14:19:55 · 18 answers · asked by xandra242002 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I will be 30 yrs old this February. I am also Pagan and if I were to find someone else, it would have to be someone who is Pagan too. To find such a person who is compatible with me and before I am 32, is unlikely. (I say before 32 because pregnancy risk is higher after that age.)
2007-10-15 14:38:39 · update #1
This is a very tough question. And so many times, a deal breaker in a relationship. It boils down to what do you really want? And how important a child is to you? How important is the love of a lifetime, if that is how you feel, to you? Does he really understand that he could lose you over this? Does he feel like you are playing emotional blackmail with him about having a child? It is something that you must really talk about. Men's brains are hard-wired differently than ours and sometimes need to hear things said in black and white. These are truly hard questions to ask yourself, but before you get married, please feel that you are not going to "settle" for less than you want and deserve. It's one thing if you chose to not have a child, it's another thing when that choice is taken away from you. I wish you good luck...
2007-10-15 15:00:29 · answer #1 · answered by Enchantress38 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to really talk about this, perhaps with a counselor. Is there a good reason he does not want another child or did he wait until now to tell you this because he felt that you would accept that if you love him. As long as you can afford it, there is no reason not to have a child and if you want one, he either has to accept that or you have to find someone else. There is also the possibility that he will try to control your life in other ways as well if you get married - and perhaps he already has.
Your love now has an imperfection, the fact that he doesn't want to have another child but love can be perfect if we don't settle for less so you shouldn't worry about not having love like this again, because when you find the right person the love will be better because it will include a child you created together. Good luck to you whatever you decide.
2007-10-15 21:37:13 · answer #2 · answered by Al B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only you can answer the question of whether you can give up the idea of never having a child to love. My advice is to give up this man. He has made up his mind and it is not likely to change since he already has a child. It may be easy to think that you could live with that, or even think he may change his mind, but it would be better not to try.
If he knew that telling you this might make you leave then he is not as committed to the relationship as you are. Give both of you a break and cut him loose.
You can find another love that will be even better because it will be with someone who has the same goals and desires you do.
Good luck to you.
2007-10-15 21:29:23 · answer #3 · answered by mn lady 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh my gosh don't just abandon your dreams of motherhood, whatever you do. If you want children, then forsaking that dream for the sake of your husband is going to make you absolutely miserable--for the rest of your life. And if that marriage doesn't work out (and you know that not all of them do), and you end up getting divorced years down the road, you will be so bitter about having given up your last years of fertility.
I wasn't even really sure that I wanted to have kids, but the baby that I have now has made me the happiest woman on Earth. So imagine how you will feel when you finally have your own child.
2007-10-16 08:22:58 · answer #4 · answered by lestolet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's so hard to know what to do. On the one hand, you don't want to stay and then resent him years down the road. And on the other, do you really want to leave the man you love and have built a life with, who is here now, for future children that you may or may not one day be able to have??
I really can't tell you what to do, I can only let you know that I would always chose my husband, especially over something that may never be anyway.
Good Luck
2007-10-15 21:32:09 · answer #5 · answered by Missy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Love! Then he will rethink his position because of the understanding he led you to believe from the beginning. Is is comparing what he's doing now with his child? What's really going on? I suggest you ask straight forward questions and expect a straight forward answer so that you can decide what's best for you. He may not be---especially since you want children. Be happy and be good to you. Go see 'Why Did I Get Married.'
2007-10-15 21:27:55 · answer #6 · answered by IWTK 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would not marry him. You are going to resent him, and you'll have one eye on the calendar all of the time as you watch your fertile years slip through your fingers. Men can change their minds about having kids at any point, but women have a window that closes.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself about the age thing- high risk doesn't really start until 35, and many women have successful pregnancies after that age.
2007-10-15 21:59:00 · answer #7 · answered by sarah jane 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you really think that you are going to be happy with someone who has told you that he doesn't want children. Why put yourself through that , you will eventually harbor bad feelings towards him because you and he want two different things. I don't care how much in love you think you are and you feel that he is your fiancee' and partner, he doesn't want children, why would you settle and give up something that you want to be with someone who doesn't share the same things. you can still find someone at 30, I am 45 and just recently got married, so thirty is still young. Good Luck and don't SETTLE YOU DESERVE BETTER
2007-10-15 21:52:15 · answer #8 · answered by pookster4262 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why would you even consider having a child with someone who is not wanting another child, is "not the only man I love" and for whom you would be willing "to settle"? Grow up. Your future child needs more than a sperm donor, they will be better off with at least a chance of being part of a two parent family.
You sound like you just want a child for your own selfish reasons, not because you think that you are willing to make the sacrifices it takes to raise a child. If I were you, I would want until I was willing to offer the child a better start than that.
2007-10-15 21:36:31 · answer #9 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You have a right to go after what you want and he has the right to go after what he wants. But those two roads are very different and may never meet. If you get married now, you are setting yourself up for misery and disappointment. Even if he did decide to have a baby for your sake, the relationship would be in bigger trouble after the baby, because your attention would be focused fully on the baby and not on your relationship with him. It's a tough decision and I wish you all the best in your decision.
2007-10-15 21:35:10 · answer #10 · answered by lippy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋