Should a married man tell his single friend how I feels about her?

Question

I am an un-happily married man. At work there is this single girl whom I talk to and we have become very good friends but nothing more. Whenever I leave home for work I feel bad because of an argument of something my annoyning, selfish and controlling wife has just said to me. But when I get to work and see my friend all of that goes away. I think she has an idea I'm not happy at home but hasn't asked too many questions. I value my privacy and she seems to respect that. She a wonderful person and I know we'll probably be no more that friends. My question is should I tell her how great she makes me feel or should I just keep my feelings to myself. Thanks.

Answer 1

"Probably?" Sounds like you want her for more than friendship because the unhappy situation at home has made you vulnerable, putting you in an emotional longing for connection with someone who cares. You could have easily told her "you're sweet" or complimented her occasionally without it being a big deal, but you're debating, which confirms you have a slight attraction to her, at the least. You have to ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish by telling her? I think you want to tell her because you subconsciously want to break the "formal" boundaries and get closer to her, but how will this help you in the long-run?

You are not obligated to make her feel good. You want to make yourself feel good, but think long-term. When we're unhappy in a marriage, we sometimes trick ourselves into breaking boundaries little by little to temporarily feel good, but it ends up being a trap. The best thing to do is to work on your marriage or get out. Life is too short to wake up every day unhappy and vulnerable.

Good luck to you. I know it's easier said than done.

EDIT: Shauna made a good point about "imaginary" relationships. While you don't know your friend well enough to make an assessment, I'm pretty certain that you idealize to make her more than she is. Sometimes the mind needs to do that to escape...we create imaginary people when there is enough room and distance for fantasies---online or long-distance relationships are great examples as such too.

Answer 2

Well first, not to sound rude, but if you are handing out the milk for free, you are not going to find the right guy, just a lot of heart ache, and much emotional confusion. As far as your gal pals giving you the marriage advice. Think of this, remember when you were a teenager, and you couldn't wait to just grow up, and move out, and you thought you had everything all planned out and picture perfect in your head, on how your life would be. Than one rude awakening happened, and everything you planned and dreamed of, all of a sudden it hits you, and there are just those few days where you wished you could just be a naive teenager again? Well that's sort of like marriage, it surely has a lot of great points, and there are certainly all of the fairy tales you can imagine, before you get married, but when reality hits, all of a sudden, things aren't always what the naive single woman imagines it to be. All of a sudden, you can't just go do whatever you want, all of a sudden, someone just rains on your parade, and you realize, what the heck was I thinking, marriage is great? Who the heck invented this cloud? But would you still make the same choice if you could do it all over again? IF you are in a sucessful marriage.. the answer is yes, Marriage can make you a stronger woman, stronger emotionally, and mentally, it can also tear you down into dust. Do women feel the need to be married... Not if they are married, they realize, they can still open a jar without the man, just takes longer, and cost less. I am happily married, I once had naive dreams that I would marry the perfect man, and have a perfect life, and the perfect little family, with the most adorable kids, so far, just the adorable kids are right. The perfect man, he isn't born, he's made, and I am working hard on making him just a bit more perfecter everyday, and he's working on making me just a bit more perfector everyday, as far as the perfect little life, it's coming along, just like the great mother I am becoming every day, marriage is work, it's not for the light hearted, it has triumph, it has tribulations, it has every emotional feeling you can imagine, that can happen in the matters of 3 seconds. I give my single gal pals a hard time, and I give them all my sob stories, just to thicken their skin a bit, before they start talking the ol' "he's the one" crap to me.. Because, the better the man you find, the less work you have to put into your marraige. Unless your like me and live for the challenge. I certainly do! Makes our life exciting! Over all marraige is great, and trust me, when it's time to happen, it will happen. Just don't worry about it.. It will happen. I know that sounds like whatever... but it's the truth. And if you don't have the patiences to wait for marriage now, trust me, you don't have the patience for marraige yet.

Answer 3

Trust me on this one. NEVER EVER share intimacies with a single woman. Don't share your dreams, your feelings about her, your marriage problems...none of that stuff.

You are a married man. Other answers about how woman feel comfortable around married men because they judge them to be "safe" is absolutely true. If you share your feelings about her - which are inappropriate to begin with - her whole attitude toward you will change. She will begin to avoid you. You will become "un-safe". It'll happen so fast it will make your head spin and you will regret that you ever even hinted that you might find her attractive or nice to be around.

DON'T DO IT!

Work, instead, on your own relationship. All marriages go through difficult times. Put your energy into exploring why this wonderful woman that you married has become less than wonderful. Rarely is just one person's fault. Try to find out how you might be contributing to her unhappiness. How did she become annoying, selfish and controlling? Stop trying to find happiness in the shallow relationship of a co-worker.

Answer 4

I think sometimes women find married men safe to talk to because it can be platonic without it leading to sexual desire. If you tell her she is great she may back away from you because of fears that you will want more. She prob knows you enjoy her company and vice versa. It is nice to get to work and be relieved of stress at home. I wouldn't rock the boat and keep the friendship going. Maybe when you are more comfortable you can open up about your unhappy marriage in a nice way.

Answer 5

keep your feelings to yourself. you are avoiding dealing with your marriage by channeling your feelings into this imaginary relationship. you only know this woman in a work environment. for all you know, she is just as naggy and annoying as your wife when she is in a relationship. perhaps she's single for a reason. maybe her last bf thought she was controlling or manipulative. who knows? definitely not you, because you've only seen one side of her. essentially, you imagine her to be your ideal partner and assume that she would be everything that your wife isn't. perhaps you should think about how stressful you life will be if you divorce. do you have children? how will you feel about being a part-time parent and only seeing them every other weekend? how will you feel if your wife begins dating or gets married again and another man is spending more time with your children than you are? analyze this situation realistically. all relationships face difficulties. it is absurd for you to think that a relationship with this "dream" woman would be any different.

Answer 6

Keep your feelings to yourself and stop being friends with her. Put all the time and energy into your marriage. If you are unhappy with your marriage do something about it! Work at it each and every day. Talk to your wife!

Answer 7

while i don't think telling her you have feelings for her is a good idea at this time, you should ask her for advice and let her know how unhappy you are. if your good enough friends she will be a good support for you, if and only if you are leaving your wife! i think you should since it sounds like your feelings for her are not good. but... if there is a chance at all to save your marriage spend your energy on that at distance yourself a little from this friend at work, a crush always makes it seem easier to leave.

Answer 8

Keep your feelings (and your hands) to yourself. You're a married man. If you don't like your situation, then get a divorce, but you aren't free to tell anyone "your true feelings" until then.

Answer 9

Keep them to yourself. Once you get divorced you can bring them up but until then, keep them in check.

Answer 10

Yeah sure tell her everything that way she can take it the wrong way and slap you with a sexual harrasment suit.