How do you forgive someone who has hurt you so much?

Question

How do you learn to forgive someone who has hurt you so much in your past. Lets say it was someone you loved. In my case my ex and my daughters father. This person was the most abusive person in my life. Both physically and verbally. I tried working it out, but the relationship couldnt be fixed anymore. Everything pretty much turned into hate. I want to let go of that but its hard to forgive him. Any tips on where to start??

Answer 1

Never give anyone that much power over your life. If you give them the power, you'll end up miserable and that person will be moving on with their life like you never existed. Do you think that he is sitting at home moping over you? Hell no! Don't make a person a priority in your life if you're only an option in theirs. The way he treated you showed he didn't care or respect you as a person, so why you should hold on to the hurt and pain that he caused you. Let it go and move on. Find someone that will treat you the way that you're suppose to be treated. Say a prayer for him and ask God to release all the hate in your heart so that you can move on. If you don't, you'll never be able to trust another relationship or open your heart to one. You're allowing someone to steal your happiness and they don't deserve that type of victory. Forgive and move on and be thankful for the experience....in fact thank him for showing you what not to look for again and thank him for showing you what not to look for in a real man. Tell him that now you know the qualities you want in a relationship and the ones you don't want. Once you confront him, thank him and forgive him for how he treated you, then move on and enjoy your life!

Answer 2

Let me start by saying that it isn't going to be easy. Now, reflect on this: You will be judged by what you do and what you fail to do in this life. You will not be judged on what others did or did not do. So, whether or not you forgive this person cannot be based on what this person has done, is doing, or what you can reasonably expect they will be doing.

First, get on your computer and make a list of the things that are causing you the most pain, that is, the actions that this person did to you.

Now, once you have the list made, expand on each point. For instance, you might have as a point that he always criticised how you kept up the yard. Now, go into specifics. He said that I left tools all over the place, he disliked every plant, the place the plant was put, the color of the fence was wrong, etc. Let it out. Type on that computer until you fully vent your feelings.

Now we have something concrete to work on.

Now, take some responsibility. Did you ever do something like paint the fence bright pink just to make you ex-father-in-law mad? Did you have a part in making sure that he generously heaped his abuse on you? Be honest now. Put this in the essay you are typing.

Now, you should have a clear picture of a few issues that he was most abusive about and your role in possibly inciting the man.

Now, here is where you might think I am losing my mind but give it a try anyway.

Get a sheet of paper with lines on it, you know, regular note book paper. Now, every day for the next two months, write something like the following 50 times:

I, Joe Bob, forgive my father-in-law, Harvey, for always criticizing the gazebo I built in the back yard, using profance language,. I will not habor ill feelings about this incident because I am only hurting myself and I cannot change their behavior.

In other words, structure your affirmation like this:

I (state your name) forgive (who - state their name) for a specific incident. I am doing this because (state your reason).

Write this affirmation time after time and do it for quite some time. It's not quick and you have to spend some time on this because writing 50 sentences is not quick.

However, I think it will help you and it is something you can put into practice right now. What do you have to lose except a little time and hopefully the feelings of anger and frustration that are sapping your energy and happiness.

Good luck. I bet that there are a lot of us out here that are wishing you the best.

Answer 3

I have been told that it takes time to forgive, I am trying to forgive my soon to be ex for having an affair and moving in with the company tramp after 30 years of marriage. My friend says that there will come a day when I don't care anymore, she has been through it. I hope she is right, I hate feeling this way. It is as though my life stopped on April 1st, 2005 (good timing don't you think) and I have been in a nightmare since then.

Answer 4

Cynthia, I come at this question from the other side. As a very young man, I once had a girlfriend whom I treated Shamefully. After exposing her heart and soul to me, making like and making love, working and playing together, I unceremoniously DUMPed her for selfish career goals and "greener pastures."

A couple of years later, I mentioned her to a mutual friend who, without a moment's hesitation, pointedly Urged me NOT to contact her. Without asking for details, I took his advice at face value and never called her.

That's been, what, almost THIRTY years now. I still think of her and Hope that she is doing well.

I Hope that SHE has Forgiven ME and has not carried the pain and anger with her all this time. And I also hope that she HAS NOT FORGOTTEN me, and has therefore Not Allowed Anyone else to treat her with the same disrespect which I afforded her.


Now, having said all this, for all I know, she DID forget all about me decades ago! She is out there, somewhere, living a happy, healthy, usefull and fullfilled life. But I, on the other hand, have Always carried this Regret in my heart. Our sins always spiral back to eat at our souls.

And, I'll never really know.

Peace.

Rick


Note: After reading and rereading everything I've written here, I'm not sure I answered Your question. Just shows you what a tricky proposition the whole Forgive/Forget issue is.

Answer 5

You don't have to forgive him. Just cut contact with him and move on with your life. The less you see this person the better. Now, I realize that this might be hard having in mind you have children together, but try to limit the contact you have with him. And well, try to forget, for your own sake. Try to take the thoughts of the bad past away from your head.

Answer 6

I was sexually abused as a child from age 10-12 by my friends step father and another man. Then again by a boyfriend for months.

Awful things happened to me & there are times I look at my oldest daughter who 11 and I wonder how in the world someone can do that to a child! Then my boyfriend who knew I was raped as a child for years and he used that against me then made me feel guilty about being abused.

Now I have been able to forgive my abusers. How?? Most of the Lord has helped me. Also I am HUGE fan of Joyce Meyer. She taught me that "hurting people hurt people." Rape isn't just about sex and stuff like that. It is anger and control. It is hate. So I first had to learn that who ever hurt me had to be hurting too. It took years and this won't happen over night.

So the first step is to know that someone hurt your ex. He was hurt some how and he hurt so bad inside he had to get it out. He's way hurting others. He took his pain, anger and hate and hurt you with it. It was wrong and he shouldn't have done that. But you need to think about that.

One of the next steps I took was asked God to help me forgive the people who hurt me. I also asked God to forgive them. I followed Jesus who while dying on the cross he said, "Forgive them father for they know not what they do." While dying and in pain Jesus relized that the men who hung him on the cross needed to be forgiven and he did it. So I did the same. I cried and cried and as hard as it was I asked God to forgive these men. I then myself forgave them.

Now forgiving someone doesn't mean you forget. I still feel some anger and pain inside. I mean these men hurt me. They stole something from that I will NEVER EVER get back. But I have learned from it and it has made me who I am today.

Good luck. Check out Joyce Meyer's site. She like a female Dr. Phil. I use to say she'd slap me into shape every morning. lol She herself was sexually abused by her father for years till about 17 I think. She married young and like you she was physically and verbally abused by her husband. She has been there.

Hugs.

Answer 7

Start by knowing and say "you deserve better". It would be easier for you to move on if you focus on what would make you happier and stop thinking about him. Do the things you enjoy doing and get a more positive attitude about "you". Just from my life experiences... when one door closes, another one opens. And if your not ready for it, you'll miss the opportunity to make your life better. The second thing to do... is stop carrying the blame of thinking you could something to prevented it. Looks to me... it was meant to be. And in time you find out it was the best thing for you and your daughter.

Answer 8

You don't need to forgive, per se, just put it behind you. Continuing to be angry gets you nowhere but upset.

Get strong for the sake of your daughter. Hate is not healthy. Just consider yourself to be better off away from this jerk and get on with your life. Counselling if needed....

Answer 9

Try to remenber that it's his problem not yours.Remember,forgiving means just that forgiving, not forgetting.Try to understand why he was like that. Was he brought up like that? Not that he should use that as a excuse.But it might be easier for you to forgive him if you know that he learned that by being hurt himself.

Answer 10

1st you ahve to love your self.just forgive i know how much he hurt u. but u dont want to hate somone thats bad and plus ur putting so much time into hateing him. wih that u could go and do something for your self. go out go get another man or something stop wasteing your time on him forgive and forget about him and hes out of your life