Unusual swinger problem?

Question

My husband and I are swingers for 3 years now. A situation has evolved that I am not sure what to think of.

Although the people we play with are happy with both of us, my husband is such a spectacular lover that word amongst our social group and the club we go to has got out and the women are simply nuts over him. I am starting to think that some of the couples we play with are only there because she wants him and he is OK with me, but not hugely interested.

Trust me I get mine from these playdates - I am very happy. But I know I am not as good a lover as my husband and it makes me feel a little weird that these women think he's just awesome. Any advice on this?

Besides not swinging, as I'm sure many of you will say?

Answer 1

You can either accept the fact that your husband is a stud among the swinger community, or you can wallow in jealousy and self loathing.

To me the answer is clear.

Answer 2

Oh for crying out loud, people! How old are we all here?? HOPEfully all over 18 for discussions like this, but anyway...

As for all the warnings about other women stealing NiceLady's husband away, or about how these are the "consequences" of "playing with fire", go soak your heads. You obviously don't know the first damn thing about it, so you should be the last people to offer advice or - worse yet - admonitions.

It's my personal observation that jealousy is NOT a normal emotion. It has been so commonplace in society, so accepted, that it has now become a part of our social dynamic. And so, to see jealousy for what it really is - personal insecurity - is to remove a cornerstone from the structure. No one wants to do that, because it might mean having to tear down the now-obviously-screwed-up engineering of the thing. And starting over from scratch would be a long and painful process that, frankly, most people feel they don't have time for. So they leave jealousy in its place, covering up the otherwise noticeable flaws.

People often go far out of their way to avoid jealousy because they see it as a problem. But jealousy is not the problem; it's just the symptom of the problem. It's the red flag that the heart waves when something is not right. 9 times out of 10 a sincere, honest, thorough conversation cures the problem.

I agree with RacerX! Smile, woman!! I know I would if I were you. It's one of the reasons I love sharing my husbing with other women: I get to say, "See? Told ya he was good..." ;)

But I think I know what you're talking about. One thing that many people outside of the lifestyle don't see is just how equal this renders the sexes. It doesn't matter if it's the wife who is better than the husband or the husband who is better than the wife. The situation is exactly the same, and so is the advice. That you happen to be a man or woman is beside the point. You are a PERSON first and foremost, and your gender won't get you any particularly special treatment. If you want to be in the lifestyle, you can expect others to expect you to stand up for yourself, and give as good as you get. While you will be recognized as part of a couple, you'll still be expected to be responsible for yourself. It's a strange but very refreshing thing, this attitude.

So you're finding yourself a little sour at his sudden popularity, eh? I guess I couldn't blame you. We all like to fall back on that vanilla ego-stroking security blanket, where we soothe ourselves with the fantasy that we're the best lovers in the whole wide world. You see your husband has a particular talent for making the ladies happy. But does this actually mean that you suck at sex? I doubt it. It just means he's especially talented. The only thing that hurts is your ego. Is this okay with you? If it's not, you may have to take a bit of a break until either you ARE okay with it, or you're able to "compete". Whatever you do, don't let the competition be anything but friendly. It just isn't worth it. I'm more inclined to say that when it comes to sex, within limits of course, there is no good or bad; there is merely "different". And if there is still a question of "good" or "bad", it may have more to do with the physical chemistry between you and your partner. Sometimes it's just not there.

Answer 3

I'd say be happy your hubby is that good! You have bragging rights girl!

Besides that, I'm not sure I see what your actual question is? Or maybe you haven't explained how it makes you feel well enough.

That said, how do you know you're not as good a lover as your husband? Some people click and some don't. With some men you may be the best they've ever had and with others you may not. Some you have massive chemistry with. Also, sometimes the men can be distracted by what their wife is doing, or they are afraid to be too complimentary or overly enthusiastic about you for fear they may hurt their wife's feelings. Also, many men are not as vocal as women, like showing that they are really enjoying it will be construed as a sign of vulnerability or not being "manly" enough.

There could be many reasons that it doesn't seem like you're all that... but you are. My wife has commented before that she wasn't sure she was really doing it for her partner because he wasn't really vocal. I simply ask "Did he keep it up? Did he do you well? Well there you go... He was into you." :-)

Guys just show it different, especially when they are trying to be macho.

For some really good advice, take this question over too The Swingers Board Forums and ask some real swingers what they think and if they've ever run into the same situation.

Answer 4

So, you are sayng your husband has acheived Prom King like status for playdate gatherings. Good for him. Is there a woman at these gatherings that the men have given Homecoming Queen like status? My guess is NO.
The reason they haven't is because if they did the first thing that will happen is their wife will become irate and make it dfficult for him to practice approved cheating. If it happened again she would become livid and unbearable to live with.
Women will not stand for being number two in any area of their relationship with their spouse. Having it publicly known she is sexually deficite is humiliating and a living nightmare.
A man will never show the world his humiliation when he is chosen second by his wife. The macho in him will cause him to smile, shake his head and schrug his shoulders to prove his wife is a fruit cake.
You can never win this competition with your husband because the other men will never vote for you or for that matter anyone.
I would be very curious about what he does to mezmerize these women. If the rules do not allow you to be presant during his part of the swing I would call for a rule change or find a group that allows you to be presant.
It might be tme for a new hobby.

Answer 5

What makes you think that you are not the lover he is? Is there even a way to compare? Have the men acted less than thrilled to be with you? I think you are basing much of this on your own perception and it might not even be correct. Have you been in the same shoes where you were attracted to a man but your husband was so-so about the wife....did that make you question things? I think to live a lifestyle like this takes an awful lot of confidence and trust. If you are feeling "weird" maybe it's time to visit the rules again and make some adjustments. Good luck :)

Answer 6

How do you know this to be true. Not about your husband, but about you. Your husband may be a great lover, but don't sell yourself short. If you feel you are sub-standard in comparison then what things do you think you could work on to make yourself better? In all of your sexual escapades (which I am supportive of your lifestyle choice), have you ever talked to any of these men to find out where you could improve? Not like a survey, but just in small talk? Are there certain things that you don't or won't do that maybe could play a factor in this? Chances are when you get down to the nitty gritty I bet you will find out that you are wrong and you are just as wanted, and it is merely the differences in male and female showing their desires for different partners. Good luck.

Answer 7

As long as these women are not crossing the line and trying to meet up with him on their own, be happy that you get to have him anytime you want and all to yourself.

Talk this over with your husband and maybe take a short break from swinging, see a counselor, and work things out for yourself and your relationship before you get so insecure it's no longer fun for you. I guess I can imagine how it would feel weird when your partner is the main attraction and you're kind of along for the ride, but make the most of it and maybe see if you can pick up a few tips to improve your technique as well.

Answer 8

Not as a weird question, but what makes him so exceptional. Other than a good foreplay there is not a lot for guys to do. So whatever he does you should be able to do also. Maybe he is aggressivly interested in them having a good time. Try taking that approach with your guys. make them really want you rather than just "ok you're there". My advice for whatever it is worth. Good luck.

Answer 9

Humm this is a weird question, well i think that you want to get the same attention he is getting from the girls you might want from the guys. Ask your husband to teach you to be a better lover. It seems like you have a pretty open relationship, no pun intended. Anybody can be good at sex with practice. Good luck.

Answer 10

If it's damaging to your self-esteem and your self-confidence, then you do seriously need to revisit whether or not it's something you want to consider doing.

Swinging is hard enough on a relationship where both partners are stable and secure. When insecurities start coming in, that's when things start to fracture.