What should i say to my husband?

Question

My husband left for Iraq. He wanted to join the national guards. I was completely against it. I decided i will stay by his side and since we are a married couple, we discussed him joining. i finally agreed because i wanted him to be happy and make his own decisions. Well, i found out that he lied to me before we agreed on him signing up and went ahead and did it anyway with out discussing it with me. I feel betrayed. When he arrives, i want to tell him thati feel this way. We are a marreid couipe and are suppsed to agree on life altering decisions like this. How should i word it to him?

and i also found out that hes been acting like he had to work but didnt.

Answer 1

You have every right to feel the way you do. When it comes to feelings there isn't any "right" or "wrong" to them, they just ARE. Even if you were not correct about this being a partnership in which communication and both being a part of such decision processes, you would still have a right to your feelings on any matter.

He went behind your back and made a huge decision before discussing it with you. He may have believed you would come to agree with the idea of him inlisting into the service, but that does not change the fact he went ahead and did this prior to a full discussion in the open between the two of you. That was unfair and rather decietful of him. He made a decision which would not only affect his life, but your too, without regard to input from you.

Such huge life altering decisions are to be taken carefully, especially when a decision affects more than one. He did betray you and your trust. Life with a military man is difficult in the best of circumstances and this is by far the best. You are now left with unresolved anger, and feelings of betrayal you must deal with in addition to the feelings of loss, and loneliness of being the one left behind.

This may be all a huge adventure for him, even a way for him to make a difference for our country, which is great, but still, he acted as though he were not married when he made this decision without you. That is not how a married couple should deal with each other.

I think you should alway express your feelings and emotions with your partner. Communication is key to a healthy and vibrant marriage. When a partner does not discuss issues, but rather stuffs them, the marriage begins to rot from within. Often, the person will find somebody to talk with and if it is not the partner it has to be somebody else. When we start discussing our marital issues with a third party, trouble soon follows. There are no answers to a marriage, outside of that marriage.

I think you need to discuss this with him as soon as possible. I think you should consider writing him a letter, give him a heads up to where you are at emotionally regarding what he did. He may think he has alll this time for you to "calm down" and then it would be easier for him to deal with it. I don't think you should allow him to get away with that.

If you wait until he returns and you have calmed down, or rather come to accept he did this, that it is a done deal, he will do it again, and the next time wlll be even easier for him as your marriage will now have a precedent of such behavior.

Write to him and tell him how betrayed you feel, that he made a decision behind your back which affects your life as well as his. Explain to him what you believe marriage means, how it is a partnership, not a dictatorship, and that open communication is extremely important to you, and the health of your marriage. Tell him how sad you feel that he did not take into consideration your feelings or even give you a real opportunity to come to the decision together, as a married couple should. Explain how alienated this makes you feel from him, and how it has broken your trust with him.

Broken trust is difficult to recover from. From now on you will be asking yourself if he really is giving a mutual decision the rightful place it should be within the marriage, made between the two of you, or if he went ahead and did it before he "discussed" it with you. Explain exactly how you feel and why. Use a lot of "I" statements, and not blame statements.

Say, "I feel betrayed, because you made a decision without consulting me, and I feel a lack of trust because in doing so you lied to me. I feel discounted because I was not included in the original process of disicion. I feel reduced as a viable partner in our marraige because I was not consulted, which took away any power I have in my own life. I feel my thoughts, feelings, experiances, don't matter, and this hurts me deeply. I trust you and love you and don't want our marriage hurt because of this incident. I need to know if you value me and my opinion, and not taken for granted. I need to feel valuable and that I matter. I need to feel needed, and by making this decision without me it seems I am not needed, or my opinion matters.

This is just an example, use your own words, but express clearly to him exactly how you feel and why. Try to avoid accusations, and finger pointing, stick to how you feel and why. It is much more difficult for a person to react in anger when confronted with real emotion and real reasons behind those emotions. Practice what you wish to say, read it over several times.

This is how you can tell if a sentence is a "I" statement of emotions, feelings, or if it is a attack masqurading as an "I" statement: If you can insert, "think" in between, "I" and the emotion, and it makes sense, it is not an "I" statement of feelings.

Like this: I feel you betrayed me when you.....(insert "think" between "I" and "you": I think you betrayed me when you....

See how it makes sense?

Now this: I feel betrayed when you....)insert "think" between the "I" and betrayed: I think betrayed when you......

See how this no longer makes sense? It does not sound right does it? That is how you can tell an "I" statement of ownership of how you truly feel, from a personal attack. Practice it and you will get it right.

I wish you all the sucess in communicating how you feel with your husband. I do not think you should wait until he comes home. That is what he is counting on. In the meanwhile he will send you all these letters filled with how much he loves and misses you and you will miss him and after a while you will begin to forgive him just because you miss him. That is not healthy for your marriage and it will not resolve this issue. It will cause resentments down the line which will fester and grow. This is not good for you or him, or your marriage.

Good luck and much success and please try to have a good day.

Answer 2

Well, it's all in the delivery.

Make it less about what he did, and more about how you feel. That is the real problem, isn't it? You FEEL betrayed. You FEEL irrelevant because he made this decision without you.

So, you don't start yelling "How dare you!" Instead, you should wait for a time when things are quiet and you have privacy. Then tell him how you feel about him (love, affection, etc.). Then say that you discovered recently that while you two were still debating whether he should serve in the Guard, he went ahead and joined without your knowledge. Tell him that obviously in the end you agreed with him, but that thinking about what happened has made you feel that your whole participation was irrelevant and that you feel betrayed by him.

Tell him that things like that affect you deeply, and that you were sad and tearful for quite a while. Tell him that if he does that sort of thing again, it will hurt you terribly. Then ask him if he will promise you that he won't do a similar thing again. Get him to verbalize out loud that he won't do it again.

Then drop it. Leave it alone. Do not rehash it. It's history.

Answer 3

I know you are upset that he lied to you about the decision that was made w/o you. Is this the first time he did this, made a decision w/o you? If this is the first time I think that you should sit down with him and let him know how you feel...the reason why alot of marriages do not last is because lack of communication, but do not do it when you are angry either, just talk to him, he should understand and tell him that you would rather him telling you than going behind your back, and you know that he really wanted to join the service, let him know you love him and you are no longer 2 people but you are one when you got married. Also tell him that he should never feel like he has to hide anything from you that you and him can discuss it...

Answer 4

Whatever you say to your husband --- be direct.

Men prefer to hear straight talk. We don't particularly like having to listen to a barrage of emotionally charged explanations, while you try to make your point. Tell him how it is. Tell him that you feel betrayed. Tell him that you are angry with him. Tell him that his life altering decision should have been discussed before he made the commitment. How would he like you joining the National Guard or becoming a surrogate mother without discussing it with him?

Answer 5

Tough one!
You are right about making JOINT decisions.
But... Space is critical in any CLOSE relationship or marriage too!

Perhaps... he was OVER excercising his Space???

It will be your job to figure out if this is the case?
or simply he was just testing his waters on HOW much control he has on your relationship!?

Do you have kids?
Do you go out??? have fun?
If so... articulate exactly what you do... and see if he reacts to your
going out with friends...
Does he respond with jealous remarks or simply starts doing things like going to IRAQ???

don't really know what you can do... but talk?

good luck

Answer 6

this is tough. my husband is in the navy and he has been to the gulf twice. when he gets home there will be an ajustment period for both of you. he lied to you and i absolutly agree that you should say someting to him, but with him coming home timing is everything. i would give it a couple of weeks, or a month, but when you do talk about it just tell him the truth. that now that you are married what one of you does effects both of you and that if really upset you that he lied.

if you want to talk more just email me.

Answer 7

It's not that deep or important! But I would specify without discussion the next time if there is to be a life altering decision please discuss it with me before making rational decisions! If that's to strong of a level of respect for me then let me know because I don't want to waste my time or my life with someone that thinks treating me as that less of respect! I don't want to waste my time supporting someone who has that less of respect for me as well!

Answer 8

i think of its significant to look at what shop the receipt is from besides as what became into offered. it would desire to offer you clues to no count if he became into skipping paintings to do some thing he shouldnt have been doing. If its some thing uncomplicated, like groceries, according to danger the time became into incorrect. attempt and picture lower back to whilst he offered the article on the receipt. according to danger its from a furnish shop and he had to %. some thing up for his workplace? If that doesnt help, i could call, or circulate to the shop, and ask the cashiers if the time is many times ideal and that i could enquire with regard to the article that became into offered on the receipt. as quickly as lower back, if its some thing minute, I wouldnt difficulty approximately. yet needless to say if its some thing that he shouldnt have been figuring out to purchase then you definately could quite convey it up.

Answer 9

He did not care what you thought he was in this for himself. He should not of done that behind your back. What happened already happened. You should talk to him and tell him you are upset that he went ahead and chose to join before you two ever talked.

Answer 10

Hi! what do you think or expect to resolve by confronting him? You are not going to get an answer you want to hear so be ready. But it shounds like you are married to someone that is not mature yet. God Bless