How do you deal with a Wife that.........?

Question

…refuses to see that her friend is causing undue stress on our marriage?

Some points regarding their relationship:
-he is an ex-boyfriend, and ex-boss
-he is her current boss who asked her back to work and she took the job after I explained I was uncomfortable with the situation
-I surprised her at work one day with lunch, walked in and found her sitting on his lap (2 yrs ago)
-when I was deployed to Afghanistan, her sister told me the night before I came home on emergency leave she went to the bar with him and other coworkers and didn't come home until 4 am. she lied about the situation but eventually came clean. Says nothing sexual happened (1.5 yrs ago)
-when she told him she was getting married to me, he didn't talk to her for a week (1.5 yrs ago)
-we tried hanging out, all three of us together numerous times, put simply we do not get along despite trying to for her

I told her that I either don't trust you and demand you don’t take the job and our marriage is a fake, or I trust you to make the right decisions and live with the stress that it will cause. I told her the decision was hers. She insured me it would cause no stress. 1 month into the job, the marital stress is starting.

She now wonders why I upset when she said she was going to his house to drop off clothes for his daughter. She can not understand how their past relationship is influencing their current one and how it affects her marriage. I have no problem with her having her own friends, nor deep rooted problems with jealousy, but with regard to this particular friend, I have both. Anything that could help me deal with the situation, or any help trying to make her understand this would be appreciated, thanks.

she would like me to to add that they were friends for 5 years before i met her. does this change the way i should feel?

am i forcing her to drop her friends?

or am i forcing her to see how their friendship affects our relationship?

am i controlling?

just some points she brought up before she left me.

any advice?

Answer 1

It sounds to me like she needs to think about who comes 1st in your marriage, husband or friends. It should be husband. In my book it should be the husband.

Answer 2

First of all if you think that there was nothing sexual going on at some point you are a fool.Her sitting on his lap was completely out of order.You are not being unreasonable.She realizes that this situation bothers you greatly and she doesn't give a dam.You are her husband and your feelings should come first.
This is in no way a little thing,in many ways she is putting this man first.You know that this is killing your marriage and stressing you out.Confront her and lay the law down.This guy has got to go.

Answer 3

You know, I feel for you, because, the way I see it, there's no convincing someone who's decided that they don't want to be.
It's like you're spitting in the air!
You should have done something when you found her on his lap, so that they both get the message.
Right now, she's making a fool of you and is domineering the marriage and yourself and make things go her own way only.
It looks like, she is the queen and your her foot man.
I couldn't give you the answer you asked for, because, as I said, to me, it looks like she wants her own way.
So, personally, I'd have to make a tough decision if I were you.
I'd say to her that it's him or me. And she might well surprise you and choose him.
Honestly, you need to grow and show some backbone as she is walking all over you and having HER way.
You'll end up cuckold and with nothing, if you let her keep having her way!
Sorry, but it definitely sounds like that to me.

Answer 4

The situation is clearly bothering you either she doesn't care that it's bothering you or her friendship is worth that risk.

Ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed. If you were hanging out with an ex-girlfriend or if she saw you sitting on her lap. There's something deeper going on, he would not be upset upon hearing that you two were getting married except if there were extenuating circumstances, meaning they still have something going on.

If you don't like her response or her continuing actions, you are better off without her. She's definitely hiding something from you and it's not fair to you. Find someone that cares about your feelings and both of your relationship.

Answer 5

Great Question! The best answer I have concluded (because I wonder about this same issue myself) I to freak the F out! I am the calmest person ever in relationships and any girl I've ever dated will tell you that. You just need to try to talk to her calmly and if she doesn't listen, freak out. Don't beat her or threaten her but yell so loud you almost black out. You know, when you eyes are bugging out and your voices is out of control... Then she'll say "I didn't realize hwo much this bothered you" (which will ony make you more angry since you just tried to tell her how much it bother you) and then everything will work out from there. Maybe not the best sounding advice but it gets results. I am 2 for 2 with this method.

Answer 6

be assertive but not nasty, tell her point blank that this is hurting u, and she needs to make a choice here, u or the job. there are plenty of jobs but this one isn't in the best interest of your marriage. u have a right to feel this way, this should not even be in your marriage, if she won't see it your way u may need to leave the marriage, and start over. its just too hard to deal with someone else in the marriage. u have to stand your ground on this because he obviously has no respect for u or your marriage.

Answer 7

It sounds as though she has no respect for you or your marriage. A marriage is about comprimise and it seems to me that she has done nothing. She seems like a very selfish woman who is only thinking of herself.
Give her an ultimatum: Your marriage or her friend. If she chooses her friend, you know where u stand. If she chooses the marriage, councelling is a must. But my opinion is that the marriage is already over.
Good luck

Answer 8

She seriously needs to stay away from him. She needs to find a different job and stop dropping things off for his daughter. She should be able to have friends but for them not to cause disruption in your marriage. She is lucky to have a husband like you with every thing you listed above. She must put her marriage first to make it work.

Answer 9

tell her straight up that she married you for a reason and he's her ex for a reason and if she wants to be with him then that's what she needs to do... but she can't be with you and wishing or playing that she's with him... and sorry to say but if that night she went out to the bar with him was all innocent and stuff then why did she have to lie about it in the first place? If I were you I would honestly prepare to move out and leave her butt... you should really put your foot down... how would she feel if the situation was reversed????

Answer 10

Maybe you should tell her you can't continue the marriage like this and she needs to chose between you and him. If she chooses you, then she needs to find another job and no longer have any contact with this guy.

You can't control what another person does or doesn't do, all you can do is get yourself away from the situation if you really can't deal with it.

Answer 11

You have plenty of reason not to trust the two of them together. You have not said anything indicating that they can be trusted alone together. I am sure this is not the only issue in your marriage. Get marriage counseling, or you will find yourself seeking divorce papers soon.