Help! im afraid im ruining my marrige?

Question

okay my hubby and i have been together a little over two years and we have a 12 month old and im 21 hes 26 we both love each other but i have issues, jelously ones, that he wont help me with, such as until june when our cell phones got cut off he'd lie about who he talked to and messaged at work until he got caught, he doesnt understand why i dont trust him, i think until he can prove himself i have a right to be suspecious and look at phone records. i also dont like that he keeps gifts from his ex like a watch and his x box and our tv in our bedroom! he wont give them up he says if he sells them hell go out and buy another exactly the same and these are expensive items and we dont have the money for the exact ones! i guess i just want to know how i can trust him and not get so jealous! i try and do good for a while and then i get these thoughts and the only thing i can do is stop thinking altogether and that can only last so long. i also search his exs online bc im so crazy!

Answer 1

You search for his exes online? You ARE crazy and you ARE ruining the marriage. You need to chill the hell out.

Answer 2

You need someone you can talk to!! A therapist would be ideal, but if you don't have insurance or money for one - go to a church or group therapy! (By yourself)! You need to stop trying to control him by worrying, It does not work!! Even if you worried and was the most jealous person in the world - it would not make him stay faithful!! Believe me it has nothing to do with you!! The stronger you get, (by talking with a professional) the less you care about controlling him!! You will feel so much better about yourself and your self esteem goes up! You are not the only person that has had these jealous feelings, it is quite normal! // You need to keep the goods!! It is totally ridiculous to get rid of the t.v., and game, and etc. Just to have to turn around and buy another one!! Just forget where it came from!! You need to try and mature some, (I am not trying to be ugly when I say this!!!!) You started a family way before you were ready!! Believe me, I did the same thing- I was 20 when I got married and had a baby! I had a lot of growing up to do, like for instance outgrowing jealousy issues (and that is only one thing, there are tons of other things you will outgrow as you get older)!!! I remember how I used to torture myself and check up on my husband and look through his car and just being totally untrusting!!!! Once you stop worrying about this stuff and truly- truly don't care, not because you don't love your husband but because you know you can't change a thing even if he starts to stray, You will start enjoying all the little things in life, It is such a relief when you let go of things that you don't have control over!! Good luck to you!! I hear myself in your post!! I hope you have a great life and marriage!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

He may be lying because he feels interrogated and has no sense of personal space. If my wife was as jealous as you sound, two things would happen over time:

1) I'd keep more and more of my life private, just because I'd resent her constant jealousy, spying, and mistrust. Getting married is a promise to love and honor the other, not give up anything and everything that happened before that point.

2) I'd eventually break down and do something to earn the mistrust and jealousy. I'm not proud to say it, but if I'm constantly accused of doing things that I'm not doing and I still can't earn the trust, I'd be easy pickings for a woman who was compassionate, independent, and not on my case all the time.

I would suggest that you have an honest, calm, conversation with your husband about YOUR feelings about his phone conversations, texting, etc. Let him know that it makes you uncomfortable and give him a chance to explain.

I also agree with all the others. Before you walk out, or he does, get some help from a good counselor. You can make up all sorts of excuses - it costs too much, I don't want to tell anyone about our problems, it will never work, etc. - but NO ONE wins when a divorce happens. You'll end up spending more money, talking with more people about your problems, and going through lot of hassle and misery along the way. Seeing a counselor can help - I've been there. If he won't go, go without him - for your own benefit and the sake of your child.

Answer 4

I am a pretty jealous wife too, but as long as there is no sentimental meaning in the gifts, like the x-box, then you shouldn't worry about that. If it were me I would probably feel better if the TV that was from the x was in the living room and would get a new one for the bedroom. That way when y'all are having an intament moment 'she' won't be in the room with y'all. The watch might have a little bit of 'feelings' behind it so I would buy him a new one and make him give it away or sell it.
To answer your real question... there really isn't a way to stop being jealous until he gains his trust back. Every month or so give him a little bit of slack and see if you can trust him that much more. After a couple of months or so if he keeps showing you that he isn't going change and be honest with you (about who he talks to and what he does) then you have no choice but to leave! It is alot easier said than done, but you don't want to live your life like that! And you really don't want to put the baby through that!
Hope I helped you out!

Answer 5

If you keep up with your constant jealousy you will end up driving him to do what you think he is already doing.

You have to forgive and forget if you truely love him and truely want to make it work. Why should he give up gifts he originally got from his ex? Maybe he feels they are the only good thing that came from the marriage. He is with you now isn't he and not her and it was his decision to be with you. Just enjoy the things she had given him and know that she probably regrets giving them to him how since he is gone.

As for having the right to search the phone records, well you are right you have the right but do you want to continue to show him how much you distrust him? Sometimes people get so tired of being accused of doing something they think they might as well go ahead and do the deed.

You said you have a 1 year old baby. Could it be you are suffering from the new baby blues? Maybe you need to get a babysitter and get out some and renew that love and passion that brought you together in the first place.

Don't give up on him - give him a chance

Good luck to you

Answer 6

Okay, you need to step back or you are going to drive your husband away! A person can only take so much and you are pushing the limits. Sure, you do have a right to be suspicious of him since he was busted lying. But in order for him to gain your trust back you have to give him an inch to try. Also, it's completely unreasonable for you to ask him to get rid of such expensive gifts like a TV and an x box. They are not emotional gifts in the first place. It's not like whenever he watches TV in the bedroom he's going to be thinking of who gave him the TV! That's not how the mind works. If it was something ornamental or sweet then yeah, he should get rid of it but it's not. It's electronics. You need to come up with something constructive to put your mind into instead of picking your relationship to pieces. If you don't have a job get out of the house and get involved in some activities with your child. You have too much time on your hands and on your mind.

Answer 7

You are far too jealous to be married. Has he cheated on you already? I can't really tell becuase you just rant and go on and on.

Unless you've already caught him cheating, it sounds like you need to get your priorities straight. Trust him. It's impossible to prove that someone is NOT cheating, because even if you can't find any evidence, you won't trust him no matter what. Even if he never even looks at another woman, there's no way to PROVE it to you. Rather than trying to convince him to sell a tv, xbox, and watch, and then buy new ones "exactly the same," (which I think is what you're suggesting), why not focus on paying the bills you already have, like when your "cell phones got cut off."

If he's already cheated on you, then divorce him. I know you have a baby, but you're only 21 and you have your whole life ahead of you. No one wants to divorce, but would you rather find someone new and let your baby have a good role model, or stay married and have one who's a cheater?

Answer 8

You are an enabler. You are giving him the right to do what he's doing. He'll figure, "Hmmm...she suspects me already, so why not do it!"

Also, by searching constantly, you have created doubt that may not need to be there. Let it go for a while. See what happens. If something comes up that makes him irrefutably guilty, THEN start with the questioning. The more you look for something, the more you'll begin to believe you're seeing it.

As for hanging onto things that were given to him by other people - if it were a card that said something absolutely romantic and loving - that'd be understandable. I would tell him to burn it. A watch, television and XBox? Those are expensive things, and it's best to just let it go.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I learned to pick my battles quite some time ago. Once you begin to focus on your marriage and your child, you might notice that things begin to turn around. However, if something comes up, and you know he's guilty without doing all of the "research", you then have grounds to ask him to go to a marriage counselor or a divorce.

Trust is a two-way street. You have to give it to get it. Once trust has been broken, it's difficult to regain.

Hang in there! You are young. I turn 34 tomorrow, and I know for a fact that there are bigger issues out there. I know this one may seem huge to you, but you may possibly be making something out of nothing - pure paranoia.

A note to the person that said go get a haircut: Um, sorry. I have to disagree. You don't need to tell yourself that you are prettier than anyone. Going to get your hair done isn't going to solve the paranoia problem - just feed it. This has nothing to do with what you LOOK like and everything to do with how you ACT.

Answer 9

Okay, I know the feeling of overpowering jealousy. I had a similar problem years ago with my bf who was cheating on me. But let me tell you, now that I look back on it I never want to act that way again.

So as far as the phone thing, you never said who he was speaking/texting to. If it was a chick or the ex gf, well then yes you have a reason to be concerned.

I can see his point regarding the X Box, tv, etc. I know to you they are a constant reminder of this other girl, but they are only possesions and it shouldn't stand as a symbol of anything between them. He has a point, why go and buy a new TV just because? It would be a waste of money. I think with this you just need to work through your feelings and try to remember they are only things.

Jealousy is a very evil thing and with time it will ruin your marriage. I know it is cliche, but most people are jealous because they have some issue with themselves or some fear that the other person in question is better somehow. So you just have to work on dropping those horrible thoughts and remind yourself that he is with you for a reason.

If you think for real that he is cheating or he did in the past, then that brings us to the trust issue. Him actually cheating is a whole other issue. If it's in the past, he should be trying to earn your trust, not just assuming you will have it for him. Once it's broken, time has to pass before everything is back to normal. If you love him and he gives you no reason to not trust him, then just put your faith in that. Your jealousy issues and your trust issues are connected, so to get rid of one you need to get rid of both.

You mentioned that you look up his ex gf's online. Honestly, I think that is just mere curiosity to a point, but again notice that it ties into the jealousy thing. You probably want to see these girls to compare yourself to them in your head, and you have to understand that this is a negative thing for you. It just fuels the "Am I good enough?" questions, so you need to just tell yourself that YES you are good enough!

I hope you can work out your issues for the sake of the relationship. Another suggestion is to see an individual couselor or marriage couselor. If you cannot solve this on your own, you may need suggestions from someone who has experience with this. Good luck.

Answer 10

Girl you should have thought about this before you married him!! I know he was doing the same thing then as he is now and you being all paranoid is only going to anger him and he will feel like if he is already being accused of something he just as well do it. If you put more focus into being a good wife and mother and meet his emotional and physical needs then you won't have to worry. Do yourself a favor and read Love and Respect and Cracking the Communication Code (both Emmerson Eggrich) You have a long way to go you better turn yourself if the right direction you can't have marriage without trust.

Answer 11

being in a similar situation as this and representing the male perspective. you have to relax and believe he is doing the right thing, by having supportive and non confrontational fights...they don't solve anything honesty is the best policy. you have to trust him regardless...but being so suspicious and over reactive will only cause resentment on his part. i don't believe you should have to go through his documents, emails phone records etc. you have to just put everything out there like this. ask him if he is over his past...exs relationships etc. when problems occur in your relationship you can bet he is telling someone else and not you...so bridge that gap...if you cant trust him now you never will and that destroys relationships. tell him to change his phone number on cell...and specifically state tell no ex's this number...this is your first test. it costs 25$ to do for your piece of mind. next as for his ex's gifts...all things that are personal in nature get rid of...things that can be thought of as fragrences, wallets, little sentimental things....all others can say that are nessecity. final all ex pics should be destroyed if there is any resentment on his part....then you know you have a problem and he has a problem. if you cannot reach an agreement then throw the towel in....and move on sister. this is just a glimpse of what is still to come in the next few years......disclosure brings happiness....he has to be upfront....have a forgivness moment....where in 5 mins he can admit to anything that he is hiding from you without you ever getting angry this will be forgiven...if he doesnt disclose and you find out...state this is my first reson why i will be leaving you because you list.....you reasons... good luck.