How should I handle my Stepson when he gets in the Middle of my wife and I?

Question

I have been married for 2-1/2 years and my wife has a son who is 14. Every time we go out in public he gets in the middle of my wife and I. If I am standing or walking next to my wife he just walks right between us. If we are at the store and I am trying to dscuss something with my wife he gets right in the middle. If I ask him to move he refuses and gets nasty. If I complain to my wife she never gets involved or tells me to grow up. I am very hot tempered and I don't always handle it correctly. Any suggestions on how I can handle the situation better before and after. I know this sounds like a little problem but it really hurts my feelings when he constantly gets in the middle.

have been married for 2-1/2 years and my wife has a son who is 14. Every time we go out in public he gets in the middle of my wife and I. If I am standing or walking next to my wife he just walks right between us. If we are at the store and I am trying to dscuss something with my wife he gets right in the middle. If I ask him to move he refuses and gets nasty. If I complain to my wife she never gets involved or tells me to grow up. I am very hot tempered and I don't always handle it correctly. Any suggestions on how I can handle the situation better before and after. I know this sounds like a little problem but it really hurts my feelings when he constantly gets in the middle.
I do not dicipline him in any way. I tried it at first and it didn't work. If I have a problem with him I go to my wife and let her deal with it 95 percent of the time. I also realize this is a childest problem on my side and I need to grow up. but it still hurts.

I do not dicipline him in any way. I tried it at first and it didn't work. If I have a problem with him I go to my wife and let her deal with it 95 percent of the time. I also realize this is a childest problem on my side and I need to grow up. but it still hurts.

Answer 1

Oooo...you two better nip this in the bud fast. Right now, your wife is allowing her son to run the household. He is manipulating her and is showing you that HE has power over her, not you. He is resentful that you have stepped in and took over and is taking away attention from him. I would suggest doing activities with him, just the two of you so that you can build a trust between you.
I find it incredibly immature and insensitive of her to tell you to grow up. This is a very common scenario with couples who have step children. I really urge you two to get counseling so that you can work through this. It appears to HER that there is no problem. She absolutely needs to back you up. If she feels you are being unreasonable, she should tell you in private. I

Answer 2

I myself have a boy son who is 14 so I understand that this can be a very difficult age and time for your step-son. So I,ll be blunt and honest, and give you my opinion, and you may not like it and theres a good chance I might be wrong, so here goes- My opinion of what is happening here is your step son is a little bit shall we say, jealous, Its very typical when you marry a woman who has children from a previous relationship that the child will become confused with the question of where he or she fits in, so this is his way of telling you to back off, his mom belongs to him! And in some ways he is right. If he wants to be #1,let him be, but dont let him get out of hand, I mean you dont want him sleeping in between you and your wife at night, but do give him some control and my guess is he will out grow this, as my son had a similar problem, and I take the blame in full, you see I made a serious mistake, I married before my kids were ready to leave the nest. So I always recomend to my friends and family , think before you leap! dont re-marry before your kids are grown and out of the house! As this causes many, problems with the children of divorce. So the blame for the situation of your step son goes to his mom, not you and certainly not your step-son, while your wife thought marrying you was a great thing, Im not to sure your step-son was mentally ready for a new dad, and his actions are proof. Good Luck! Your journey has just begun.

Answer 3

Why not let your step son be affectionate toward his mother ?

You have to realize that at one point, your stepson's parents were divorced. Children of divorce have experienced a LOT of emotional pain and the reason he gets nasty with you is because you are a threat. One minute he had two parents, next minute here you come, some strange guy.

It hurts YOUR feelings? You are an adult, he's the child. Let him and his mom be close for the few, remaining years he's at home with her.

Just let him have a relationship with his mother. He is 14, but you act 14.

Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself to grow up.

Answer 4

He is intentionally trying to make you angry in order to gain sympathy from you wife. He does this in public to gain additional sympathy from strangers. Your wife needs to work with you to discourage this behavior. My guess it that she expects you to control her son.
On the other hand, he is resentful of you replacing his father, even if he never knew his father.
I had a similar problem with my stepdaughter. She learned how to "push the buttons" to make me angry, and to gain her mother's smpathy.. Here is a strategy that worked for me. First, learn to recognize his attempts to make you upset. Knowing that he is doing this intentionally gives you the upper hand. It is now very important that you understand that he is putting on an act.
Second, prepare and practice three different responses to his behavior.
a)Think of a funny joke so it appears you find this situation funny,
b) Ask him to move and when he gets nasty, ignore what he says and answer either "What Ever" in the same tone that most teens use today, or in a very serene voice while smiling say "I know", or "Bad hair day, huh?"
c) polite say to him "Excuse me son, I was talking to you mother: then ignore his rants.
These type of responses will not only cause his strategy to backfire, but will also make him look bad to the strangers in public.
Third, and this is very important. after such an episode, decide which way to respond the next time he does his routine. I used this method:
I would toss a coin to choose between the two remaining responses that I had not just used. The bit of randomness makes it impossible for the kid to predict your response and adapt his strategy to it.
For example, I realized my stepdaughter was trying to anger me, and used response b. after the dust settled and I had a minute or two, I pulled out a quarter, and thought heads a, tails c, flipped the coin and remembered which way to respond the next time.

You will also need to look into family counceling, It might be covered by insurance.

Answer 5

It sounds like your wife needs to make him feel more secure about their relationship. Both of you should never express your feelings about this in front of him. If he sees that he can split you on this matter he will continue. I am sure he doesn't mean harm. He just doesn't see his role in your family and is maybe feeling pushed out. You also may not want to show as much affection toward your wife in front of him. Many people may not agree but this obviously makes him feel uncomfortable and he needs to be more eased into it.Also when he does get in the way ignore him part, of it is the reaction/ attention it gets. So let it go. Sooner or latter he'll move on to a new thing. It's okay to let him win the battle sometimes. It makes him feel like his opinion matters.
Good luck..

Answer 6

This step-parenting stuff is tough. No doubt about it.
There are a couple of ways you could handle this-
1) Ignore it and maybe he will stop if he sees he cant get to you.
2) Tell your wife that you will no longer tolerate her son being disrespectful towards you. What she is allowing her son to do is just plain rude.
3) Do something really off the wall and silly, like next time he is determined to stand in between you during a conversation, stop and give him a hug, or start braiding his hair or something strange that is equally awkward . If he insists on walking in between you and your wife, hold his hand or link arms with him that will make him uncomfortable. Maybe try something really strange like "family hug" and make a joke out of it, and tell him " well you obviously want to be so close to us, now we are!"

Overall, I think your wife is not very respectful of you. Sure, you might not handle it well, as a step parent, its really difficult to handle things correctly. The biological parents rarely see this, even when they try. But if it bothers you, then she needs to respect that and control her kid. 14 years old is most definitely old enought to know basic manners. Sounds like she's wanting to raise a boar, not a respectful young man. shame on her.
Good luck.

Answer 7

Well to be honest and straight its up to you to Put up with it.
He's a 14 year old kid, insecure, dealing with his own issues,protective and possessive of his mother.Its not personal.
Talking to him,if u say even one thing wrong,or he perceives u did,it'll make it worse.
Plus your missus wont be happy,he's her son..
Take a back seat on this one,he'll grow older,chill out.
You're the adult here, I dont give a dam if you're hot tempered..deal with it.
We're talking about a child here.I dont expect a 14 year old to handle it maturely,he's a youngster.I do think u should, even if he's the one acting the baby.
Be a man,and ignore it,your wife is in an awkward position if u two are arguing..let her see u are the man in her life, after all he's the boy in her life.He needs lookin after,u shouldnt.
Control your temper.A hot temper is easy,it takes a man to step back and be rational.

Good luck man!
Paul

Answer 8

You're not the first guy this has happened to!

Try to have a discussion with your wife at a time when you are not angry. In some way, she needs to understand that, as the parent, she not you is responsible for the discipline of her son.

He misses his father, and probably resents you trying to take his place. Remember, in a couple of years he'll have other interests. If you love your wife and want to preserve your marriage, ignore the boy's actions now and chances are the two of you will have a better relationship when he is older and better able to appreciate what you have added to his mother's life.

Answer 9

Unfortunately, you are in a no-win situation. Unless you can conveince your wife to show a united front (with you) to her son, he will continue to "get in the middle". Try speaking with both, at the same time, about this issue. Make sure that as you speak, that you stay on point. If there are any other issues, you can address those later. If this doesn't work, suggest a family counselor. If they refuse, then you have a decision to make.

Good luck.

Answer 10

He is trying to be the "man" since you have moved in on his territory. He is actually trying to compete with you. The best thing you can do is not loose control and try to calmly talk to your wife about it. Tell her that you are concerned about your relationship with her and the boy and you feel like he hasn't really accepted you as an adult in his life. You both need to then go to the boy and tell him that you both are going to be united in the decision to end all disrespect toward you and her by butting in the middle of things. Bottom line: Disrespect cannot be tolerated from a stepchild to a parent. You both need to intervene. He needs to see that this is not acceptable to you and his mother. But don't loose control. The worst thing you could do is fight or yell at him.