cheap husband driving me crazy?

Question

i work 3 jobs - work from home full time - babysit 3 days a week for afterschool kids - also work friday, saturday & some sundays at a furniture store - keep a spotless house, dinner's made almost nightly, etc.....my husband has the nerve to ***** about me buying a new book or buying my daughter a red bull drink. While he hasn't changed anything about what he does daily, he still buys his $5 cigs and sodas, eats out nearly every day, buys rc cars that sit on a shelf, has a harley that sits in the garage but has a payment for. I can get him to see that everyone is giving up and sacrificing, except for him. this has gone on for a long time but it's getting worse - any suggestions on how to handle this situation and get him to see that he's being unfair and selfish?

I really do all these things to those who don't believe it! And, my husband works as a home improvement contractor.

Answer 1

As a man, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my wife was doing everything you do and I was still basically living like a single guy. Your husband still spends a lot of money, so I wouldn't say he's cheap. In fact, he's far from cheap...he's spending a ton of money on himself. He ain't cheap, he's selfish.

You might think he married you, but he's not treating this like a marriage. You called your daughter "my" daughter, so I assume your husband is not her father. Well, that doesn't mean he can just live his life without a second thought as to her needs. When he married you, he married the total package...you AND your daughter. Unless you were keeping your daughter a secret from him at the time (which I doubt) then he knew what he was marrying into. If he didn't want the total package, he shouldn't have married you.

This doesn't sound like an equal partnership at all. If I were you, I'd try a little role reversal. Stop working weekends at the furniture store and then start complaining to him that he's not providing well enough. JUST KIDDING! That's maybe the worst thing you could do. That's just setting him up for a fight, and that wouldn't be fair.

It's time to sit down and have a serious talk. You need to be prepared to list, in a calm and organized manner, everything that you do and detail how much time it takes up for you each week. You need to tell him HOW it makes you feel when you see the Harley in the garage or the receipts from all the restaurants, HOW it makes you feel when you smell the $5 cigar smoke, HOW it makes you feel to be surrounded by expensive RC cars at the end of the day when you are exhausted from working at home, babysitting, cooking, and cleaning.

I can't promise it will all turn out well, but you sound like someone who will work hard for something she wants, so I think you'll get the best you deserve if you keep on being the kind of person you know you can be. (Cripes, sorry, that sounded like an army slogan.)

Best of luck.

Answer 2

There is not a lot you can do now because you have enabled him to be this way for some time. You might try becoming cheap yourself for a while. Put the money for baby sitting and at the furniture store in a separate bank account as well as perhaps some of the money from the full time job at home.
since he eats out almost every day, stop making dinner
but have a large lunch and make it the meal of the day, or perhaps an after school brunch - and tell him this is your way of saving money. Or, you could just divorce him since you sound like you might be better off on your own without him.
Good Luck!!

Answer 3

They don't sound JUST cheap......they sound unmannerly and rude. Who the hell goes to someones home, demands the best, brings nothing and does not even offer to clean up? If it were me I would not care if they hated me because if they did they would not be worth my time. If your husband does not mind this so much tell HIM to shop, prepare the food and clean up and see how he likes it after that. The next time I was asked to host a family party, I would politely say "Well, I was just hoping that this time I could enjoy it too. I don't mind being a cook and cleaning sometimes but I was wondering if someone else could take on that task sometimes".

Answer 4

I freakin hate when people answer questions saying: I don't have any suggestions" PUT A F'IN SOCK IN IT THEN.

I think your husband may be suffering from tunnel vision honey. lol.

One person did suggest a list idea, and I like that one. If you two sit down, in a neutral convo, and make a list of things you see as unnecessary that add to your budget, perhaps you can get him to see his own mess.

Also, you can try to have budget goals, try to set a dollar amount, monthly or bi monthly, that you want to reach in savings. That way you can use the list to see how you can achieve the goals, and you will actually see growth too. :)

Answer 5

you don't say in your question whether he works or not.....that can really change my answer.

Either way, I think you guys need seperate checking accounts and one joint one. Both of you should put the same amount of money into the joint one. This one is for things you HAVE to have as a family--- rent/house payment, electricity, phone, water bills, groceries, etc. After you both put that agreed amount into the joint account, whatever is left of your checks goes to your seperate accounts and is extra for whatever....his goes to his eating out, bike payment, cigarettes, sodas, rc cars, etc. Yours goes to your books, treating your daughter, etc. When the extra money in your personal account is gone, its gone. Maybe then he'll see who is actually spending all the money when his account is drained and yours isn't.

However, if he has no job at all, I'd just stop paying for everything for him. Stop paying his bike payment and let it get repossessed. Stop buying his cigarettes and let him have a nicotene fit. Stop letting him eat out and make him live on Ramen noodles for a month. See if that helps things!

Good luck!

Answer 6

Whoah....your a very PATIENT woman!

I really think you need to put your foot down. See many women do EVERYTHING (hence, cleaning the home, raising kids, working). Are you kidding me?? No way. leave the house a mess, stop doing everything, let some things go and he will realize how much work you are doing and how unfair he is being.

Answer 7

Is this a new situation? Or has he always been this way? If he's always been this way, it's going to be hard to change that about him. If this is a new development, you take the reigns and simply say "I am using the money I MAKE for these items. You can use the money YOU MAKE for yours. There is no argument here. Leave my decisions alone unless they directly effect you."

Answer 8

Make a list outlining the toys and useless things he has purchased. Ask him to do the same for you.
If your husband doesn't respond to the list idea, set up an appointment with an economic advisor. Your husband needs to have his selfish eyes opened.

Answer 9

WOW, you sure seem perfect!

What is his side of the story?


Good luck, I give it another 2 years then DIVORCE!

Thanks for the additional info! As a contractor my guess is that the hubby works 60+ hours a week???? AND probably is a little tired when he returns home????? No wonder the Harley sits in the garage he doesn't have the time or energy to ride it!

Answer 10

You do enough. Make sure you pay the bills together.Then take any amount extra. Divide by half.
Offer - I am willing to pack you lunch, you eat out its from your "extra" .
Harley pay should be part of his "extra" so should cigs.

He needs to appreciate you. talk it out, fight it out, but work it out. He can no longer be a selfish teen.