Does saving the family "for the kid's sake" justify the price?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have a 3 year old son. Our relations have deteriorated beyond repair: there are no more feelings left besides sadness for the lost years (at least on my part); I am not even angry any more...our relations continued through cheating (on his part), moving across the country (I followed his job moves and was able to find jobs everywhere we went), his multiple job losses, infertility treatment, his affair, his "business game" and the loss of most of our savings...and now his other "dream": he wants to become a cop in NYC and he is not exactly 22 years old anymore...I couldn't handle it anymore and filed for divorce...I can afford to support my son, but am I making a mistake? I am so miserable and unhappy...I trully believe I will be better off on my own...

Answer 1

15 more years of this.....does it answer your question?

Answer 2

You have already admitted your unhappy, miserable and the marriage is beyond repair, so what's the problem? Do you really believe your son will be better off with miserable parents?

I will say this:

Your marriage is over, to continue this marriage will do nothing but make your life even more miserable and your child will ultimately pay the price for that as well.

A positive upbringing is what your child needs, not to be shoved between two parents in a loveless marriage.

When this does end, try to step outside of your own hurt and have good relations with the father (if he's willing) when it comes to your son, it will help smooth the transition for everyone.

Don't delude yourself into believing that if you remain unhappy, you're doing something positive for your son, you're not.

Answer 3

Most people think that we live in a throw away society that we willing give up on our marriages is taking a easy way out. But it all but easy. We don't have all the answers at the start of the relationship which is why we see such a rise in divorces.

You stated that you are not angry anymore, this is very important if you can work out a "fair shared parenting schedule" with your husband having two houses and two loving parents your son will fair much better than to live in one household with two very unhappy parents. You should put your needs second to your son needs of having two loving parents in his life.

Its hard to end a relationship with children involved. I stayed too long in my marriage and tried the counseling route to save it but what helped me was to do a time-line of the relationship and realized that I have done everything and knowing that made it easier for me to make that decision to leave. My child is now 14, I think that she is happier that she knows that she has two loving parents without the fighting and sadness before I divorced.

Good luck remember your son deserves all the love he can get from both of you regardless whether or not your marriage ends.

Answer 4

I know it's normal to be afraid to make such a big decision, in many aspects..... financially, emotionally, etc. There's always fear to the unknown and to being lonely. But I think you will be soooo much better off without him. As someone else said, you're just beating a dead horse and this will only build up as time goes by, you will become more and more frustrated, resentful, and this will eventually hit your son too. Kids are the #1 reason/pretext people use in order to remain in a marriage for the wrong reasons..... but believe me, your son will suffer even more to see you guys being unhappy with each other than seeing you living apart. He's too small, he won't suffer very much for this. Better now than later. Go for it and leave your fears aside, we only live once, don't waste your time and pursue real happiness because we all deserve it. Good luck.

Answer 5

From what you are telling us you will be better off without him. It sounds as though you have tried long and hard to make this marriage work but after awhile...you just figure when something is broken, whats the point of trying to fix it anymore. I know you and your son can make it on your own..In the beginning it will be hard but I think the two of you will both be better off. A child needs stabilty and he is not going to get it if one of the two of you don't give it to him. Later in life when he is an adult and he does this same thing in his life, you will sit back and wonder why...I think it is okay to save your son at the expense of your marriage...I know you do well. All women are very very strong..Just look out for the little fellow, he will reward you with all the good things in "HIS" life later...

Answer 6

i think you've already answered your own question, you've said that your marriage is beyond repair. Your husband sounds like he has always but his needs before you. You've said you're not happy, and it doesnt sound like he'd change for you. PLEASE dont stay together for the sake of your son, my parents stayed together unhappily for the sake of me, and as soon as i had grown up and moved out, they ended their marriage of 32 years. most of those years were unhappy, and now they both feel alone, and scared to go out and meet other people at their age. I wished they had done it when I was little, so that i was oblivious to it, and my parents could have had other chances to meet other people. You've said you can cope, and i expect he help support you (he should do), be strong, not all women need to lean on a man for support. Good luck!!!

Answer 7

Hey,
You are doing a right thing. You perhaps have two choices, either stay with him because of your son and then you are going to have miserable life and you never ever going to be happy and when you are not happy then how you are going to expect to make your son happy, you teach him the worth possible lesson in his life. On other side, you can have your own life with your son, of course it is harder at the beginning but you get used to it gradually but you will be happy and your son will be happy. And by the end, I am sure that there are lots of other good ooportunities out there for you.

Answer 8

I'm a firm believer that kids will always know the parents are miserable and will most likely take it upon themselves and think they're the cause. Cut the losses, make sure he knows he's not the reason, and work with the ex to make sure he grows in loving environments, in your separate lives.

I'm sorry. It's hard when you realize the fairy tale ending isn't going to happen, but there's still time for both of you to find happiness. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

I went through the same decision process. My nlife was completely miserable but, I was staying for my son. Finally I decided my son was more important and we left. I regretted it at first and considered going back. I am glad now for what I did as I know my life would be unbearable at this point if we had stayed.

Also, she has disappeared and not seen her son for almost 5 years. She just never really cared.

Answer 10

If you are miserable and unhappy, then do what you have to in order to change things for YOU and the child. Children pick up on these things, quite readily.

Your son is only three, so the impact of divorce won't be quite as devistating to him now, vs. when he is older.

I believe you'd be better off on your own, too. You tried, and the marriage hasn't worked. Time to take care of you now.

hugs. and all best wishes.

Answer 11

Honestly, you will be better off on your own. Yes you've been through alot, but it would be senseless for you to continue with him. Take care of your son, don't worry about the dude. You'll find someone to help you out. If I may say according your picture, you're a good looking woman. Somewhere out there is a lucky man. I don't mean me, I'm already involved.