Need help. Think hubby is having an affair....what r the signs?

Question

He doesnt want ANY THING to do with me. Won't even try to kiss me...nothing. We havent had sex in 5 months!! Now, he did have a heart attack in May, but he was doing this long before that. He's 43, and I'm 36. We will be married 3 yrs. this month. Im so sick over this. He works ALOT! He DOES work, I know that. He comes home maybe 2x a week, cause he works far away. Then when he comes home, its not even a Hi. Ive tried talking to him......and thats a joke. What would be the signs of an affair? Thank you

Answer 1

i dont think he's cheating. i think he has developed a phobia that he will die when doing strenuous 'exercise' like sex because he had a heartattack so young.
and he knows you want sex and he's too ashamed to admit all the scary stuff to you so he hides his head in the sand. he has this huge middle life crisis.
hm, but you said he's doing that before the heart attack right? so before the heart thing he was perfectly healthy in every way or very stressed about everything?
and he doesn't want to communicate too?
i still think he's having a middlelife crisis and if there is somewhere an affair ... it's just a side effect.
heart attacks make ppl revaluate their lives in a different light and want some big changes. it could be possible that he feels you can't understand him. can you?
of course there is a faint suspicion that he's in love with somebody else, not affair only for sex. cheaters also have sex with their spouses to keep everybody 'happy'.
and really if he's working so much, especially after the attack, what do you expect? wouldn't you be crushed? feeling old etc?
to me it sounds like some psychological problem and the worst part is he doesn't want to share. i think he needs a vacation or something, probably alone.

Answer 2

This doesn't mean he's having an affair...but it does mean maybe he's not so "into" you anymore. (No pun intended)
I will say I am the same age as you and my husband is the same age as your husband, and I am in the same boat.
Signs of cheating are: Starts dressing differently or putting more efforts into his looks, phone calls strange hours of the night, spending more time on his computer than in the real world, multiple email addresses, protective of his personal space like his cell phone, less sex (or even more sex) with you...there's just too many to name.
The bigger issue here is not WHY he's doing these things, but what are YOU going to do about it. Obviously, you're already tried talking to him, and he blew you off. Probably more than once. This now puts the ball in YOUR court again. You cannot change a person, and you cannot MAKE them do what you want them to do, including "having something to do with you", but you CAN control YOUR destiny. If you're not happy, perhaps you should think about THAT. If he won't have sex with you, show you respect, give you affection, or otherwise "be a husband" to you, then maybe it's time for YOU to end it and go out there and take what you deserve and need. I guarantee you SOMEONE out there will appreciate that you want to "romp in the sack", laugh, go places and see things, and have fun in this life. For every moment you wait on change, you lose a moment YOU could have been bringing about a change.

Answer 3

Sounds like the signs are there. You need to have long talk with your husband about your issues. If he does not want to talk, you need to seek counseling, with or without him. It may be that work is really taxing on him and he may need to slow down, or you could find a way to be with him while he is a way a couple of times a month.

I hesitate recommending spying on your spouse, because that usually creates more problems that it solves, but you need to open a dialog with him. Communication is what makes or breaks a marriage. If he does not want to communicate with you at all that would be a sign, not necessarily of an affair, but a sign that your marriage is in serious trouble.

Answer 4

Personally, yes I do think this is a sign. Im young and never been married but graciuos....no communication at all in a relationship let alone a marriage is not a good sign...being that he only sees you twice a week and is that distant I would say either he is having an affair or he is just not happy anymore

Answer 5

His heart attack was most likely a major life stress for him. That kind of thing can send a guy right into a midlife type crisis.
The lack of sex after the heart attack might be related more to the heart attack. Some people get scared of something happening to his heart, or even worse for most men, that he will fail sexually. New medications might also be causing him some problem sexually, and many men will not bring this up to their MD.

You need to make your needs very clear. He only comes home twice a week? You all need to move closer to his work. Distance does not make the heart fonder, but just the opposite over time, it allows you to drift further apart.

Look into getting some help for your marriage. Insist he do this with you, or there will be consequences. Find a counselor who is certified in couples counseling.

If he isn't having an affair, your marriage is at risk for one, either of you as you both are not getting much from this marriage the way it is now.

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

Signs of an affair

Following are a number of things. Not that they mean that there is an affair, but these are common things that people report after finding out there was an affair. Hindsight is really clear. If you are having these problems, then something is wrong and you need to start really working on the relationship.

IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT. Trust you gut and follow up.
The wayward spouse will deny and tell you it is all in your head.

Excessive use of internet/email, increased request for privacy.

Working late, or even going in early when that was not a regular part of their job before, with no increase in income.
A change in routine.

Unaccountable time loss. Or, even more attentive than usual, they need to keep track of your activities.

Restlessness or increased irritability at home. It takes a lot of effort and energy to keep up a secret life. Picking arguments, it helps them feel less guilty. Increased critical or sarcastic comments.

Protective of cell phone, bills, bank statements. Hang up phone calls if you answer. Deleting phone logs and messages. Unexplained charges or cash withdrawals.

Increased mileage on the car.

Making excuses to leave home, picking arguments in order to leave. Saying they "need space", even talking of separation.

New friends that they keep from you. Friends of the opposite sex that they spend lots of time with or confide in, especially if they are keeping secrets from you. "Just Friends" is a common way to describe an affair partner! Making reasons to be alone with the coworker, such as business trips, lunches, etc.

Sudden increased interest in appearance, clothing, exercise, hygiene.

Change in sex life, either increased or decreased, new techniques.

Stopped wearing wedding ring, lots of excuses.

Find birth control that you don't usually use.

Sometimes, an increase in gifts. A guilt thing.

Answer 6

that's a hard one to answer.
my husband works offshore & got sick last summer with heart/ lung issues, and he's now on so much medication that he's tired out all the time
he's the smae way, no HI BYE, glad ot see ya, kiss my hind foot, NOTHING...
just wants to lay in recliner & watch the Tv
i know he couldn't even if he tried but just doesn't try anymore probably out of embarrasment
yes we've tried viagra & other things
some men believe they will die during sex, after their heart attack
please ask him, a letter might get you the answers you're looking for
sounds more like a medical / mental issue than an affair

Answer 7

Ouch this sucks..There are alot of signs and this may just be one.Specially not being home hardly at all and not saying hi or anything.I would have a talk with him and mention marriage counsling.If he dont show any sign he wants to try then i would think about leaving.There is no reason to stay if your the only one trying.

Answer 8

You just listed signs of an affair. I'm not gonna lie i've cheated before. And if the person i'm cheating with is someone i've really come to care about i don't want anything to do with my real man. I just feel obligatied to stay with him because of our daughter(were not together anymore. This is just was happening at the time) so i just snuck around. And all though i lived with my man i only wanted to be with my other guy

Answer 9

Its hard to say without knowing the man,but it looks pretty suspicious.Then again some men get very depressed after a heart attack,maybe thats whats up.
You should tell him unless he starts talking you will be looking for a divorce.

Answer 10

Im sorry but it sure sounds that way.. Did you try counciling? If you want to be sure you may want to follow him around and see what he's up to. My husband and I are going through tough times too right now, but there is one thing I do know for sure, he ALWAYS wants me, and is always home, and I always know where he is when he's not. Best wishes.