Ok so i just had a baby 3 weeks ago she came 6 weeks early and i am LOVEING every min of being a mommy. The only problem is, is my mother-in-law. She trys to be the mommy she want to feed her and change her etc.. Not that i dont apprceate the help but she has other intentions. I feel like she is trying to take the mother role away from me. My sister in law is thinking about not having kids because of how she is. Please give me advice i need to know how to tell her to back off a bit. Thank you
2007-10-15 04:45:43 · 14 answers · asked by mommy092107 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
I'd try something along the lines of, "could you come watch the baby every Tuesday morning while I go grocery shopping? I'd love for her to have someone familiar to be with while I'm away." That way, Grandma's guaranteed some time with baby. Or, if your hubby won't talk to her, try the 'ole, the pediatrician thinks that the baby's not bonding very well to hubby and me because we have so much company and so many other people holding her. I love how much help you've been giving us, but the pediatrician recommends going it alone for a bit. Then use the Tuesday grocery shopping as a way for Grandma to see her--make it seem like you're doing her a major favor by giving her Tuesdays (or whatever day).
2007-10-15 05:13:15 · answer #1 · answered by Sit'nTeach'nNanny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She obviously is loving having a grandbaby. Maybe even thinks she is giving you a break, when she is there visiting. A lot of new moms are very tired and could really appreciate a break when the grandparents visit.
But.. I sure understand your feelings about this, as I remember feeling exactly that way, especially with my first. I really wanted to make sure I bonded with my baby and that I was confident in how I cared for my baby. I didn't really want to give up even a second of being a mom.
You don't want to ruin your relationship with her though, just as you are beginning this new phase of your life and your baby's with it's grandparent. There will be times when the baby will need to stay with them probably and you want them both to be comfortable with the situation.
Is there some way you can limit the time she spends around the baby a little bit more ... or have her visit a little less? Or maybe pick some things you wouldn't mind her doing ..like feeding her when she is around. You could make ask if she would like to feed the baby. This shows you are in control and granting permission. Then you take control and say something like.. " I need to change her now." and take control again. That way your showing her gently you are in charge. I hope it works out well for all of you:) You sound so happy with your little one:) Congratulations:)
2007-10-15 12:37:25 · answer #2 · answered by treedle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm curious, do you live with your mother in law? If you do, it can make it very tricky to keep her at bay. If not, has your husband tried to speak to her about it? (Coming from him puts you out of the situation, which is good for relations between you and your MIL.) If simply speaking up doesn't work, I would cut your visits to a few hours per week. Perhaps she can watch baby while you do errands one day, or watch the baby while you and your husband go out for a much needed break on a Saturday night. The rest of the week, that is YOUR time as a family, with you, the baby, and your husband. If she watches the baby by herself, you're not there to see her "take over" (which of course she has to do if she's the one babysitting) she gets to feel needed, you get a break, and baby gets to bond with Grandma. If she can't respect those boundaries, dig in. This is YOUR child. No one has the right to step on that relationship. And if Grandma does come over during the week for a visit with the both of you, be firm. Say "no, that's ok, I will change her...etc". It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do....you're a new mom of a beautiful little baby after all!!
2007-10-15 12:14:16 · answer #3 · answered by saxcat00 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation and I'm afraid there is no right answer to this question.
Here are a couple of suggestions:
1. Be patient...
2. Don't take offense to everything she does - she only wants to do those things because she loves the baby SOOO much.
3. Try and take her in short doses... if she gets on your nerves after ____ mins/hours. Don't let her stay that long (tell your husband!)
4. Make sure your husband is aware of this issue and try to get him involved. He needs to say something to his mother
5. And again, be patient... I was the same way when my son got here... and now he is a year old. I love him more than anything else in the world, but as they get older, and/or as you have more children, you'll appreciate the help. (Only hindsight helps you see this... but trust me.)
Good luck!
Again, just remember that she loves your baby... and its always better to have this problem than grandparents that aren't interested or don't want to be bothered with a baby!
2007-10-15 12:34:41 · answer #4 · answered by amber 18 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In a quiet moment, thank her for all of her help. Explain that you really feel like you need to bond and form a routine with your new daughter, so you want to be sure to do all of the primary care for her (feeding, bathing, changing, etc.).
Tell her that her relationship with the baby is very important too, and how great it is to get a break now and again. Ask if she would be willing to watch the baby for scheduled periods (decide those in advance and propose them during that conversation). For example, ask if she would be willing to watch the baby after she is fed in the morning for an hour so that you can shower and do laundry.
Be tactful, thankful... and if needs be, firm but respectful. You are the mommy, and this is important bonding time for you.
2007-10-15 11:54:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
Everytime she offers to help or starts to take the baby, say thanks for your offer but I'd like to do it myself this time. In the meantime, ask her to help you with the laundry or with the cooking. You should take advantage of her helpfulness so you can nap during the day and get your energy back. Your mother in law may feel that she's helping you by taking care of the baby so well and she may not realize that you feel that it's intruding on the mommy/baby time. She may also be simply mad for the new grandchild and wants to spend every moment with the baby. Start by slowly assuming more of the baby duties and ask her to help you with the grocery shopping or the laundry or the cleaning. Every time you start to feel annoyed - close your eyes, count to ten and repeat "at least I have help, at least I have help".
2007-10-15 12:01:16 · answer #6 · answered by Susan G 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you. My mother in law is like that. I wish I could say it gets better. Talk to your husband, he needs to be the one to tell her to back off some. And remind your mother in law that at this time you need to be bonding with the baby. If she wants to help you out she could throw in a load of laundry or clean up the kitchen or run the vacuum cleaner. Right now, you need to be learning how to be a mother. If she keeps butting in, you will probably just have to limit her visits. Tell her you are too tired for company.
2007-10-15 11:53:35 · answer #7 · answered by kat 7 · 7⤊ 0⤋
Give her little "chores and assignments" to do, if she really just wants to help out she will gladly do them. Enjoy all the help you can get and just be grateful that she is enjoying being a Grandma so much. She knows you are the Mom, don't be so worried, trust me, the novelty will wear off and then you will be missing all the extra help.
2007-10-15 12:00:15 · answer #8 · answered by Angela C 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the best way is to ask your husband to do it. It might be easier for him to talk to his mom than for you to talk to MIL...If she came from away I'd say let her do her thing and you'll take over when she's gone if she lives right next door putting your foot down as soon as possible is the key. As to how to tell it to her tactfully I'm no good at that I'd just go and tell her like it is...That's why I send my husband on missions of that kind... = )
2007-10-15 11:53:31 · answer #9 · answered by delina_m 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Is this her first grandbaby?? My mother did the same thing to me with my son and i was sooo upset because my mom would get him to stop crying and i couldn't. That used to make me sooo mad because i wanted to learn how to soothe my son. I told her listen i need to learn how to be a mommy so you need to back off. and she did, but that was my mom it might be a little harder with his. You need to stand up, that you are a first time mother and you need to bond with your baby. Congratulations on the new addition!
2007-10-15 11:52:04 · answer #10 · answered by xaviersmommy 3 · 9⤊ 0⤋